Main aur meri philosophy

50 Questions - 50 Answers (by Rahul)

2009-08-18T17:16:00.004-04:00

01. What time did you get up this morning?
11:00 am

02. How do u like your steak?
Not in my plate

03. What was the last film you saw at a cinema?
Kaminey

04. What is your favorite TV show?
one of That 70's Show and Seinfeld

05. If you could live anywhere in the world, where it would be?
Mumbai maybe, then again...there's a lot of places left to explore

06. What did you have for breakfast?
nothing, ate lunch straightaway:$

07. What is your favorite cuisine?
Hakka Chinese, Indian, Thai.

08. What foods do you dislike?
lauki,tinde,kaddu ki sabzi

09. Favorite place to eat?
Gupta ji's bhel stall outside Andheri station, Brar in brampton, and The Works in Ottawa

10.

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Hyosung GV 250 aka Laila

12. What are your favorite clothes?
cotton tshirts and shorts for summer. Motorcycle riding gear any time of the year :)

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
BC, Newfoundland Labrador, Sweden, Austria, Greece, Dominican Republic(lodging boarding funded by Khare bhaiyya). Nepal is next on the list though, hopefully during the December trip.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Depends on whether the cup contains alcohol or not

15. Where would you want to retire?
Too early to decide

16. Favorite time of the day?
Morning. I value it more just because i see it so infrequently

17. Where were you born?
Veraval, Gujrat,India

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Cricket on tv, Baseball at the stadium

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?

20. Person you expect to tag back you first?

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?

22. Bird watcher?
Yes

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night person

24. Do you have any pets?
No

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I will finish this VR project report tonight, aye meri pratigya hai :)

26. What did you want to do when you were little?
Doctor, since always.

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Playing dark room in my grandmother's house with my cousins, playing cricket with cousins every morning. Annual day at school, and the month-long preparation leading up to it. There was a one-hour practice period for drama/dance participants. I would act in Hindi drama, practice period was fun :D.

28. Are you a cat person or a dog person?
Cats and Dogs are evil.

29. Are you married?
No.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Always, even in India.

31. Been in a car accident?
no

32. Any pet peeves?
Having my stuff rearranged by family, bad driving

33. Favorite pizza toppings?
Tomato, cheese, black olives

34. Favorite flower?
There was one in my front lawn this summer that I loved, don't know the name though:$

35. Favorite ice cream?
Butterscotch, Mango

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Pizza Pizza, Falafel hut

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
3...4 maybe?

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Huxia...VR project partner asking for status of our project report:)

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
ThinkGeek maybe, or a motorcycle accessory store

40. Do anything spontaneously?
Travel:)

41. Happy with your job?
Very happy :)

42. Brocolli?
Great with pasta

43. What was your favorite vacation?
Summer 2008 was great in parts. I've also had some very memorable 2-3 day visits to Ottawa.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Pandit, TJ, TP, KevinXu

45. What are you listening to right now?
Aj Discowaale Khisko - Dil bole hadippa.

46. What is you favorite color?
Blue.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
None.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
None.

49. In what time did you finish this quiz?
Didn't check

50. Coffee drinker?
No

the 50 question tag

2009-08-18T12:01:00.005-04:00

This one's from delhidreams. Long time since I even blogged. But I somehow like tags.

01. What time did you get up this morning?
at 9:45 a.m.!!!

02. How do u like your steak?
No stake on steak

03. What was the last film you saw at a cinema?
watched Kaminey yday :)

04. What is your favorite TV show?
Not a big fan of TV. But if I spot Friends running , I am surely going to watch it.

05. If you could live anywhere in the world, where it would be?
Right where I am at the moment. The place which has given me a life back.

06. What did you have for breakfast?
A granola bar, and a slice of bread with margarine.

07. What is your favorite cuisine?
Indian. Nothing beats it! Then Italian, Hakka Chinese.

08. What foods do you dislike?
Healthy foods :)

09. Favorite place to eat?
A lot of them... Pizza Hut for Pizzas, Aahar for Indian food, Lingarden for Hakka Chinese...

10. As Adee pointed, there was no question number 10!

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?
A bike (LOL read bicycle). Also trying to drive a car.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
PJs and skirts for summer, Sweaters for winters, Saris for parties/weddings

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Everywhere!! Italy, Paris, Switzerland, The Caribbean, Dalhousie, Vancouver, Nova Scotia, Srinagar, Ooty, Kodaikanal, Kerala.... you name it and fund me!!!!

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Umm 1/2 full...

15. Where would you want to retire?
In Canada!

16. Favorite time of the day?
Night... Other than that, evenings and chai sessions :)

17. Where were you born?
India

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
I'd rather play than watching. Chess. But cricket in bits and pieces. May be live badminton...

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
I donno. What a person chooses is entirely their choice...

20. Person you expect to tag back you first?
Donno.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Anyone who continues. Humans are more interesting than one can ever imagine.

22. Bird watcher?
No.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Totally a night person.

24. Do you have any pets?
Pet animals, no. Pets yes :)

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
Stay tuned for one... There's none at the moment, but this life makes us anticipate... and I am anticipating some soon

26. What did you want to do when you were little?
I wanted to be a teacher, and then an environmentalist...

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Of ours being the only house surrounded by farms far and wide, of the gas station, of random people lifting me and taking me out, of a swing in the verandah of my house, of a lot of pictures of mine, of the most loving parents, of an extremely happy, lucky and carefree childhood.

28. Are you a cat person or a dog person?
Both. Actually more of a cat person, coz not all dogs are cute.

29. Are you married?
No.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Mostly. Wouldn't like to be fined you see :)

31. Been in a car accident?
Touchwood, no.

32. Any pet peeves?
:)

33. Favorite pizza toppings?
Cheese and tomatoes. Even pineapple. Green pepper and onions are OK. Olives, mushrooms, jalapenos are a big NO-NO.

34. Favorite flower?
Tulips for their beauty, sunflowers for their happiness, red roses for their passion.

35. Favorite ice cream?
Chocolate.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
I donno. There's not one "fast food" place here that sells all kinds of fast foods...

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
LOL. I canceled it coz I knew I would fail it :p, and I am waiting to give my first one sometime soon.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Honey P.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Since it's not happening, I would like to choose the Bay. Actually I don't think I can do that at just one store. I can do it in one day, at a number of stores.

40. Do anything spontaneously?
A lot of things. Eat out, watch movies. I am also an impulsive buyer, so shopping counts too.

41. Happy with your job?
Yes :) :p

42. Brocolli?
No. It's healthy!

43. What was your favorite vacation?
lol. The entire summer of 2009!

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
MP, RV and NM.

45. What are you listening to right now?
Some gora music been playing in this coffee shop.

46. What is you favorite color?
Blue, in a lot of its shades.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
None.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
Four.

49. In what time did you finish this quiz?
Close to 45 minutes, just coz I was multi-tasking.

50. Coffee drinker?
Yepp, totally. Can have upto 3 coffees a day, and still be able to sleep peacefully in the night.

PS: Would like Apsy, Peenuts, Rahul, Satish to please respond to the tag ...

The Catch Up Session

2009-06-13T12:12:00.006-04:00

It's been forever since I have been away from Blogger. My life's moving faster than I can take it. I still haven't caught up with myself... let alone catching up with my blog... I really have no time to catch up with myself - life's taking me on a zooming rollercoaster ride. And I'm totally loving it! I've never been happier, never been more content. I don't have a spare moment to sit and think - the past and the future isn't there. It's the present, and has really come like a present in my life.

But I do miss writing. There are times when my mind's so full of ideas, there are times when I know I want to write, but, well, I don't have the time...

So anyway, a brief update of my life-at-the-moment follows. In terms of work, have been able to complete two successful semesters, and am starting up with my research. Besides that, my time in the day gets spent in cooking. Evenings are for tea and samosa-and-the-likes-of-it sessions. Weekends are abuzz with friends or partying or with traveling here and there, including home. I go for occasional Shiamak Davar dance classes. I've also got a bike (read bicycle) and go biking in the evenings these days. Ottawa is extremely pretty and scenic, and has a biking route along the Ottawa river. I'm loving the summer in Ottawa, although it rains quite often here. Also included in the plan is to get registered for a Beginner's French course in July-August. There's also been a decent amount of addition to my zoo. I'll post the pictures of my lovey-dovey animals some other day I guess.

That I guess is the extremely brief summary of the current happenings in the life of Chunky. Adieus world, I am off to biking very soon =)

Mood of the moment: Chirpy

Song of the moment: Chalte-chalte hu hi ruk jaata hoon main (Mohabbatein)

Time of the moment: 12:45 p.m.

Expression...

2009-04-08T01:56:00.005-04:00

Not until lately have I understood the importance of expressing. It is important to express your confidence and knowledge in an interview. It is equally important to tell someone you love how much you love them. Actions speak as well, and words do so too. Don't be like the Suri Jee of Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi and assume that your Taani ji would know how much you love her. On a side note I think it would have been perfectly fair for Taani if she chose to go away with her Raj partner. Telling and doing something for someone you love makes them feel really special. It's an on-top-of-the-world feeling, and I don't think that there is a reason why the feeling shouldn't be conferred upon the one you love...
I don't mean I have to be told everytime that I am being loved... it's easy to see when there's something to see...
There's a peculiar kind of satisfaction that one gets by doing something for someone they love. I am writing on this topic after a long time I think... too early? too late? should i? should i not? oh well! life's a weird mystery isn't it? and love takes the top spot in the list..

I'm luvin' it!

2009-04-08T01:52:00.000-04:00

I love my life. It cannot be better than now, it was as good ever. It feels like "living a life" - precisely what I asked from The One before I moved here.

It feels like being on top of the world starting a lazy morning, taking my own sweet time to get ready and prepare and/or have meals, walking to the Timmy's close by, watching the falling rain sipping a cup of awesome coffee. It feels equally awesome not knowing when and how my day comes to an end.

I have a family away from a family - people that are very much responsible for giving me everything that I have wanted. There's also another family that I have built in Ottawa, take a look!! It will be the cutest of families you'd look at :-), and proudly yes, it's my family :-)

Janu

Jina and Jojo

Chinu

Chiku

Chiku, Chinu, Jojo are indirectly related to me... I also have Chiki and Daku and Snowy, of which I don't have a picture at the moment... :) My roommate correctly calls my room a zoo, and says she doesn't need to get a ticket to see animals anymore! :p

blah blah

2009-04-03T04:40:00.000-04:00

Dear World!

Hope life n times are treating you nicely and sweetly. Love has
n't decreased for you due to recession :-)

I talked to a lot of important people in my life today. Have been missing so many o
f them. I wasn't very successful at being able to steal everyone's times. Thanks to you who talked to me...
Sometimes, just knowing that there's someone to listen to you when you feel like you want to talk crap is so very comforting. So many are still in line - I get stuck with "what do I start with?" I am trying to avoid the inconvenience of not talking for the longest possible times...

3rd april 2009

I am still missing people. This post was started 10 days ago... It is strange - I have so many people around me, a lot of times in the day. But still... I have been sick again recently, people have cared for me treated me back to health again.
Life's kind of ironic. Maybe it is the fear of losing what I have right now is what makes me blue. I know it all, but still...

I am going to make an attempt writing a poem today after ages. This was a very kiddo style post written all haph-hazzardly so that I can just post this...

Mood of the moment: Blue, Confused, Homesick

Answer in Points

2009-03-18T03:12:00.003-04:00

There's a lot of people losing jobs. I heard from my buddy at the old job yesterday, they lost another guy. Man stayed with the company for 15 years, went on paternity leave for 6 months, got laid off on his first day back. Bad time to be at work, good time to be in grad school...especially when your education is being funded.
I didnt like Chunky's last post. My issues start with her user handle itself....'Chunky' reminds me of Chunkey Pandey....which instantly reminds me of Harry Baweja's 'Qayamat', an extremely traumatic experience that I went through in 2nd yr engineering, thanks to my cable guy.
One thing I loved about the last post was that it was written in points. As a TA, you tend to start liking things written in points....they're generally easier to mark than essay type answers. I remember how I always had issues writing answers in points for my science exam in school. I never seemed to have enough points, plus it was extremely difficult to bullshit through the exam. Anyway, heres a few things I wanted to write about, in points (in no sorted order) -

- Ram Gopal Varma was wayyy ahead of the times when he made Satya. The movie is a masterpiece!! Then he started taking a few/several steps back with each movie, and got with the times. Now he's plain mediocre, maybe worse(depending on whether or not you have watched AAG)
-Cute movies make me happy. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist was a very cute movie. I liked!
-I'm excited about the IPL. I hope it starts on time, without much disruption because of the election.
- Congress will win this election, I think. BJP needs to get over the Hindutva agenda. But then, would they have anything to talk about? Both parties need a charismatic leader. And we need a PM who is guaranteed to live for the next 5 years without going on life support through their term.
- They're publishing my research paper in 3 different magazines it seems. I'm hoping it helps me get some sort of scholarship for the next year.
- I definitely have to learn to swim this summer. I've also been thinking about getting a motorcycle license. I definitely can't afford a bike though. Won't the license be just a waste of money? :(
- Wanna go travelling this summer, even if for 2 weeks. Maybe to Vancouver....or eastwards (Newfoundland Labrador)......or UK.....or Brazil....or anywhere....theres a world out there that needs to be travelled!
- Technical research papers are full of shit. In a 10 page research paper, theres max 3 pages worth of information, the rest is just padding.
- I can't imagine how North America's auto sector is ever going to get better
- E. Ruppert is a genius
-http://desi-talkies.blogspot.com/2009/02/dev-d-2009.html#4
part 4 of the movie, start watching at 10 mins and 10 secs. I'm slightly in love with Kalki Koechlin. Dev D was nice, the love story was sweet. I liked.
- Want to volunteer this summer, just can't find an organization who's ideas I believe in. Might go out and plant a few trees this summer. Any other suggestions/recommendations?
- NEED to find a thesis topic before the start of summer. Wish me luck.
- The 'Answer in Points' idea reminded me of a joke i heard in school.
Santa , Banta and Kartar Singh went to write an exam at school. The invigilator handed them the papers, and went to get a cup of tea. When he came back, he saw the three students sitting with their pants off, and writing the exam. He yelled "Ye kya kar rahe ho!??"
Santa replied "Sir, yahan likha hua hai.... Answer in briefs :$"

Revision...

2009-03-05T17:47:00.005-05:00

The games of the One really are very tricky. He makes sure you learn. He makes sure you remember your lessons. He makes sure He is remembered. He makes sure you never figure out if really everything happens for a reason, and if it does, what is the reason behind a certain happening.
Things that happen are bound to happen.
Not all losses are permanent. A minority of losses are permanent.
You can always find something to be happy about or sad about, really depending on the kind of person you are.
Moments of sorrow last way longer than relatively the same length moments of happiness.
It is important to know what you are punished for, to realize your mistake.
You do not feel the pain as much if you are not the victim.
People are born to do masala-talking.
The left hand side and the right hand side of life do not always balance in the end for anyone.
Luck is a big factor.
I'll know what I have only after I lose it.

Some things I've always known… just a quick recap is needed at times :) He does make sure the revisions are timely!

The Month of Love

2009-02-12T03:57:00.001-05:00

The year just started and February is already here - the month that contains the day meant to celebrate love. Why is 2009 running so fast? Time is so dangerously relative... 2009 is the year that I think should stay on forever!

I realized sometime last year around this time, Valentine's day is just another day for people in love. Yes, they do something special that day, but they feel special throughout the year. Valentine's day leaves more of a negative impact and longing in the people who are love-deprived, even more for the people who have tasted the wine of love at some point down the memory lane... It's meant to make you feel the absence of love rather than the presence of love is my whole point. But anyway, apart from a sadist kind of a note there, I like the special "things" that people do or look forward for doing on that day. I like the planning process that leads to making that one day in the year extremely special. I especially like to see people all dressed up but covered by their winter jackets, and carrying a stem or a bouquet of brightly fresh red roses in their hands - either they received it, or are going to give it to their loved ones. I love it how businesses attempt to sell anything and everything on the pretext of Valentine's day. I love it absolutely how there are mushy mushy soft-toys, shops decorated in the colors of red and love. I love it how people's first Valentine's holds so much attention and excitement. I love it how that one day actually has love in the air in the very literal sense of the phrase.

Happy Valentine's Day people. May you be loved truly, sincerely and purely always... Love is a blessing, never take it for granted. You are special because you are loved. And yes, thanks for being there for me :). You all know who you are, and you all know how special you are to me. Lots and lots and lots of love :)

A day in his life

2009-02-04T00:04:00.005-05:00

His day begins when his loving mother shakes him to wake him up to begin his exceedingly long day. This thirteen-year old child does not have the privilege of a morning sleep on the pretext of a stomach ache so he doesn't even try, although much like the other children of his age he loves sleeping in. He dresses up in his khaki colored nikker* and half-sleeved white shirt colored in shades of black, grey and brown over the last three days and hops, skips and jumps for a good fifty minutes to get to Basant Chowk, one of the busy parts of Mumbai, even before the horizon turns light crimson. Once he reaches his destination, a chirpy "Namaste babu!" is uttered to the grave looking gentleman sitting at the counter of the chai ki dukaan and he's all set to hustle about the place taking orders and serving the customers.

The morning time is extremely busy as the Indian population needs to wake up with a refreshing cup of tea in order to make their teeny-weeny contribution to the nation's progress. Splitting the clientele of the area with the only other chai shop in the vicinity, the grave looking owner of the chai shop makes sure that he keeps Chhotu and the like on his toes. The morning clientele of the shop has become pretty much regular. Chhotu even remembers the orders of some of the customers by heart, and repeats their orders as a confirmation from them and proceeds with their orders. The weekday morning blues of a number of grumpy sleepy customers sometimes have Chhotu chided to hurry up for their orders. As the day proceeds, Chhotu's legs get relaxed too. In between serving people, Chhotu also has the responsibility of filling up the display trays, cleaning the tables, and helping the people in the kitchen with meager tasks. There are times in the day when he stands still and stares at the television screen meant for customers, and switches back to reality only when Babu's loud shrill voice pierces his ears.

The chai shop attracts a multitude of diversely cultured people to it - ranging from shopkeepers to call center agents to foreign visitors. Occasionally, some young modern enthusiast asks Chhotu why he doesn't go to school and goes on to explain the benefits of education. Chhotu shrugs and gives his marveled response that he's happy where he is, he can understand what's written on the currency of India, and he can tell fake money from real one and that is all he really cares about. Perhaps that is his way of consoling himself now. Perhaps he really is happy. Being of an observant nature, Chhotu gets to learn every single day of his life. The foreign visitors who go to the chai shop "to get the real feel of India" don't look down on him as a menial person - they are well aware of the dignity of labour. In two years Chhotu has learnt enough English to understand and get his message through to the foreigners. He has also realized that the gora people give more tips than the desi crowd. Occasionally, he sees families coming to the place, where spoilt children of rich parents show attitudes and obstinacy. It is very hard for Chhotu to imagine how that is even possible. But well, he learns - people are different. Life is different to different people too.

Chhotu is what people name him when they see him the first time and call him to place an order "Oye Chhotu! Idhar aa." He's small - he's just thirteen, and that is the most common name that a small working boy gets in India. Chhotu actually has a name that only people in his family are aware of - Ramesh. His world - his mother, his 15 years old elder brother and his 2 years old younger sister, is thankfully a loving family. After Chhotu and his brother reaches in the evening after their long day, their mother has already cooked for them, and they are all set to eat dinner. Chhotu doesn't get to play every day, but every week he gets a day off, and that is what he spends with his friends playing on the roads and the dusty cricket ground close by along with helping his mother take care of his sister and helping her get some bare minimum necessities for the week. Things have been harder to manage for the family recently because of the demise of Chhotu's father and the non-working status of his mother since the birth of his two-years old sister.

He dreams as big as his size. He dreams of owning a similar chai shop some day. He dreams of contributing to get his sister married - his mother talks about that a lot. He dreams of being able to play cricket with his friends everyday. His unrealistic dreams involve meeting Hrithik Roshan some day, and of being extremely rich so that he doesn't have to work at all. Nevertheless, he can separate the reality from his virtual world, and is leading a content life for the moment. He doesn't have the time to sit back and measure the contentment and happiness in his life - he has to do things the way they are now. He'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow shows its face...

*Half-pants/shorts

The Change

2009-01-23T00:02:00.003-05:00

It was for quite a while that everything in life was right or wrong for me. There was no third category where I categorized events - I tried to do things that were right and felt guilty for doing things that were in the wrong category. Most things in life are relative - so are right and wrongs. Things have changed now. The guilt has decreased for doing the wrong things now. As you grow up, the guilt takes a corner in the heart, or rather, we push the guilt to occupy one of the darkest corners of the heart. And once you are able to do this is when you lose your innocence and step into the world of adults.

Things are more "me oriented" now. I do things I "want" to do. Hiding is not lying. lol that is what I say to console myself... I do not know if that is a good thing or bad, but that is how it is now. Life is an ever continuing learning process, and I'm doing my part of the learning. And my part of the living as well. Oh well, the only thing that doesn't have place in my life is regrets, after cigarettes!!!

For the time being, people, listen to Delhi-6 (Masakali and Dil gira kahin par dafatan)... Masakali is amazingly mast and dil gira is an awe-filled song. Must listen I say...

P.S: @Satish, I haven't forgotten the post... I know it's taking a bit longer, but yea, trust me, I am going to get it done soon :)

The sun rose today!

2009-01-15T01:37:00.003-05:00

I got a chance to see the sunrise today after countably many days!! I saw the dusk turn into dawn and the dawn give way to morning. On the west side of the sky was the moon waxed to its three-fourths and on the east side of the sky the sun was cheerfully spreading its lovely red wings and gracefully coming up past the horizon. An amazing site to see... the very warm sunshine wanted a part of me to believe that it was pleasantly warm outside, but good thing our weathermen have more impact on us to make us believe that despite the tricky warm sunshine, the temperature outside is -34 degrees. Yes, and it was very cold outside! After a meager sleep of 1 hour in the previous night, I couldn't enjoy the morning freshness for a long time :).
And I am very tired at the moment, however, not sleepy :) The insomnia is back!!! :)

Just Another Day!

2009-01-11T22:45:00.007-05:00

I sit sharing my hot cup of large coffee with my loneliness at the Timmie's close to my home. Staring out of the Timmie's glass window has become my favourite, and in fact, the only past time these days. Everything's white outside, with the hillocks of snow been reducing in height everyday since the past three days - it hasn't snowed again since then in my part of the world. There's a transit bus shelter right outside the coffee shop which has been abandoned for more than a month now. One side of the shelter has a huge poster reading "Be part of the Solution - Take Transit". It couldn't get more ironic than this, specially at this given time when the public transit of my world has been on strike for more than a month and has crippled a lot of people and businesses alike.

A few cars are on the road - the area's quite and it's 9:40 p.m. on a Sunday evening. A very small bunch of people are out there too - it is minus 13 degrees with the wind blowing at 10 kmph afterall - either they must be bored or need urgent groceries and the transit's not an option. The Timmie's staff is busy doing their chores even if there are no customers in here except for me.

I like this time of the day because I am purely dedicated to my loneliness. We smile, we think, we talk. My companion loneliness hasn't left me ever. It's been there when I have been alone and when I have needed a friend. There have been times when it has been there with me even when I have been amidst people. I've grown so used to its presence and thank it for literally, always being there with me!

But anyway, I am done with the last sip of my coffee and realize it is high time I get to home and have my dinner. Good bye world! It is 10:00 p.m.

P.S. The photograph is not related to the place I was at! It's a picture clicked on the snowy afternoon of 7th Jan 2009 outside my house.

The Cleanup

2009-01-11T22:14:00.005-05:00

And now it was the turn of her study room after her room's closet. She was cleaning up her study to determine which items she wanted to discard before moving out. She picked up one paper at a time from pile one and skimmed through its contents and then put them in the second or third pile depending on whether she wanted to keep it or discard it. She held the next paper in the pile, unfolded it and began reading "hmmm so the reply...". Immediately she froze adjusting her eyes to stare into the empty corner of the study. The paper had curved corners and the ink along the folds of the paper had almost washed off with time as well as multiple acts of folding and unfolding the paper. 2 long years and she still decided on continuing to read the reply. It was a two-page long reply that was never sent to the person it was written for. She had no trouble reading the washed off parts of the paper. With tears in her eyes as she read the last line of the letter, "Thanks for being there whenever you were", among other things she tried to think if things would have been any different had she sent the email. May be the agony of being in nowhere would have reduced for her for a couple of months and may be the recipient's agony of knowing the truth so bluntly would have increased for the same amount of time. She was amazed at how untrained and reminiscent her heart had been even now, after it had got a lot more love in the past two years and had loved too. Anyway, there was no point thinking about the right and the wrongs now, when life for her had taken a very peaceful and calm road. She folded the paper back again like it had not been touched in the near past and put it on top of the third pile and continued her chore of picking up the next paper from pile one and skimming through it. A short pause from reading and her glare returned to the empty corner of her present study room once again. While her right hand held the paper she was reading her left hand sneaked to the top of the third pile and slyly shifted the top of stack to the second pile. A deep sigh and the eyes got back to reading the paper in the right hand...

No wonder numerous move outs and move ins and ups and downs have not snatched the heart's ability to reminisce...

Random blah

2009-01-07T02:31:00.003-05:00

Everything moves on, they say, with time. And what doesn't move on dies.
And I haven't entirely died. However, certain things do not die, and do not move on either. It's the nature of memories I believe. They do their task - come. I do mine - relive them and die with them.

There's not much I want to say.
Should I? Should I not?
Is it right? Is it not?
Is it needed? Is it not?
Is it expected? Is it not?
Is it wished for? Is it not?
Is it understood? Is it not?
Should I? Should I not?

Songs of these moments:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeypOvsY91Q
http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=7E1xbX-QSGY

Dastak

2009-01-07T01:54:00.004-05:00

aaj toh dil ka darwaza khol de
ek arse ke baad aaj andar aane de

yaad, tumhari hi dastak ka intezaar tha
tum aaogi, poora poora aitbaar tha

aaj tujhse teri haalat ka hisaab lena hai
ek arse ke baad aaj jawaab dena hai

yaad, mera ek sandesa le ke jana hai
khush rehna, bus itna hi kehna hai

... and counting!

2009-01-07T01:09:00.003-05:00

nth number of days since a particular event happened... umpteen number of days for a particular something to happen ... and today is the day when a certain something happened or when I am supposed to do a certain something...

I don't think the counting and tracking ever stops! And I am tired of it! Why am I unable to live 7th January 2009 as 7th January 2009 instead of as 7th January? Why am I unable to realize that 7th January 2009 doesn't exist in history, and that nothing of the past needs to celebrate its anniversary today... Is it the same with everyone :) ?

One day at a time is how anyone should live. There's no future that we are sure about. There's no past that we can hold on to and live. Intangible is the word, my friend!

Someone asked me today, HOW can you bear to hangout with Mr. X!!! And I was reminded of a very old and extremely favorite quotation of mine: Life is too short to love, I wonder how people find time to hate... This, somehow, doesn't go with the flow of what I was saying. However, I put this down to be reminded about this one-time-favorite quote of mine and to incorporate it into my life once more - to not to spend time hating, to live my one day at a time loving :).

I love you people. You all are very special in my life in the date of 7th January 2009. Do not leave me. Do not leave me counting... x days since u been gone, y days since we talked, z days since it's your birthday again and I do not know what to do... Thanks for being a wonderful part of my life, and for being there for me.

Hum hain raahi pyaar ke, phir milenge chalte chalte!!!

D. It is written

2008-12-29T15:47:00.003-05:00

I feel like writing; its been a very long time since i wrote last. After a long time, I'm feeling indifferent. I've always refrained from writing when sad, and been too busy to write when happy. Indifference, I like.
I've spent most of December with Shrey and Ashish, and some time with Satish. Now I am unable to construct sentences without swear words. This will change when school begins, and I interact with more members of the general population. Hope that happens soon..

2008-12-29T00:56:00.005-05:00

Merry Christmas people! I have been too busy over the Christmas ... My holidays till now have passed faster than I had thought they would. Now, the speed has slowed down. I've had enough of TO by now :) . Very mean of me to say that, but well, it's just true... I am no longer excited for the coming New Year celebrations either... It is just going to be a regular day, which will fly by. I have reasons to be pissed off...

Apart from that, I had a great deal of fun on TO. I am almost ready for my next semester - charged up and all set to go back :).

Now that we're talking about New Year, it is but natural to talk about resolutions too. As I said somewhere last year, new year resolutions are like a fashion of the past. At least for me. I am past new year resolutions. I do not like to make them, and then break them anymore. Someplace just reminded me what I wrote on New Years last year ... "... I got to live once again"... And as the year 2008 is coming to an end, I've started doing that.

Looking back at 2008, I did not lose anything over this year, although I spent time repenting my losses. This year was a year of gains for me. Nothing more I could have asked, nothing more could I have done to make my life better. There have been downs, and a lot many ups... I am thankful to God for making the year 2008 a good year for me. It lacked nothing, absolutely nothing...

And finally talking about a new me, as RC, SB, SK wanted to see, I have changed, somewhat... I think they'll vouch for it too :). There have been some positive and some negative changes as well. But it's ok, I do not have any regrets :)

The year 2009 - I haven't thought about it, because I do not want to. I do not what to want and expect out of it. End of story.

That my friends, again is my story :) Happy New Year to all! May the coming year shower you with all the very best that life has to offer you :) God bless!!

Express it!!

2008-12-17T23:29:00.004-05:00

General observation has led me to believe that it is easier for guys to express their feelings than girls. Be it Bollywood movies or real life, it is the same. Can anyone please help me understand the reason behind this? And yes, I am not talking about crying here :P ... Girls definitely hold the first place in that :).

I am talking in more general terms. Gentlemen find it easy to speak up their mind (or heart), but ladies do not. I think gentlemen reading my blog are not going to be of the same opinion as me. I would really like to know peoples' take on this topic!

Longgg time!!

2008-12-05T00:00:00.010-05:00

I have been missing for the longest time now! And where have I been? In a world where all that I literally saw was a bunch of assignments, papers, presentations and exams... It sure is a crazy world! CRAZZZZZZZZZY!!
And finally, I am done with my first semester. Can you believe it? It has been a huge change in my life. And positive one at that. Yes, there are days when I go without food :) but I guess it's all good! There are days when I choose between cooking and working, and between sleeping and working. My health hasn't been fine for the longest time either, but I guess it's still all good! And I am luvin' it. I am all set to go home, take a month long break, and hopefully come back revived and refreshed. I really hope my trip home doesn't have any surprises, if you know what I mean! ;)
And the new year is fast approaching as well. 2008 wasn't necessarily a bad year for me. It wasn't. Part of it was, but overall, there have been worst times I can say. I've taken my time to do my part of learning. I am now taking time to do things I want to do, before life starts sucking again :)
A list of stuff is awaiting my attention before I leave for home - from laundry to cleaning to returning library books to filling some crucial number of forms to talking to my supervisor to filing claims to.... urghhh - it is stuff that hasn't been taken care of for more than a month now; I guess I need a to-do-list and start crossing items I need to get done one by one.
I haven't blogged for the longest time either. Call it lack of time, or some contribution of laziness, it will both be true. There were times when I had an urgent need to blog. There were times when I wrote stuff to post it, but haven't done so. My walks, although became infrequent, were still very much not affected by the cold whether (was due to the workload). I feel the need to walk, and Ottawa's cold weather still hasn't come in the way! Oh well, it's not even half as cold as Ottawa gets. It's decent - negative 7 is how far it is as of now and has just snowed two times till now. Ottawa's like my boyfriend - I am always praising it, regardless of the downsides =). Talking about downsides, well there's funnily none! I miss my friends in Toronto, and I miss home. I miss telling my family that my health has not been good and I miss their care, but Ottawa does seem to cover it all up!!
The Mumbai massacre left me in pieces, as it did to a humongous lot of people. And not surprisingly, I got emails about people taking pride in the "spirit of Mumbai" to move on. And about signing some form. Tons of questions I am sure walked around, some answered, some responded to with mugged answers, some, or most, left unanswered in a hope that they will soon drown and die out, as have numerous other questions overtime. It is sadly pathetic. A very bizarre thought comes to my mind - how come the extremely brainless lot of people are ALL being born in the Indian sub-continent? It's disastrous. The everyday humdrum doesn't however, come to a complete hault. Yes, Mumbai has to move on.
That, I guess is it about me! Wasn't that a potpourri? And ppl, I haven't heard from a lot many of you for the longest time as well. Please do tell me how life's been with you all :-).

False

2008-11-17T23:23:00.003-05:00

False my life
False is the strife

False my action
False is the reaction

False my want
False is the wont

False my love
False The One above?

P.S.: No I do not doubt The One. Not again, yet! The question is for you :)

A peek at the University Campus

2008-11-01T13:02:00.003-04:00

OK, that is the most beautiful part of my University!! It's sad that the winter's approaching so soon... How does it look?

I just love the sonance of flowing waters...

Ottawa's given me enormous opportunities to get the most beautiful pictures in the world, and to be able to enjoy these scenic views... I am in love again!!

Wait, don't think too much - I am in love with Ottawa :) :) :)

Love me, love me not?

2008-11-01T00:14:00.003-04:00

Love me, love me not?
I am but mind with a fear besought...

Love me, love me not?
I am but a heart that's distraught...

Love me, love me not?
I am but a gently fading illusion...

Love me, love me not?
I am but the burnt wick of the torch...

Colors

2008-10-25T22:58:00.004-04:00

One of the many magnanimous shades of the fall. I got this picture from a transit station. Fall presents the prettiest, if not the most liveliest shades.

As the autumn is drawing to an end, I am guessing these are all the "colors" of fall that I could gather :(. I have some more pics, but they aren't really nice. I wanted to have a post full of the different colors I saw in this fall. But anyway, as a bonus :) check these ones out -

Could you possibly count the number of colors these pics have?

Yes, these are very much clicked pictures, and have been taken by a friend of mine.

It's almost time for the winter to step in graciously. And from now on, all you'll get to see are white pictures on my blog :). It's going to white very soon!

Winter Sun

2008-10-24T17:09:00.003-04:00

Spread the warmth in my life
The winter sun.
Smile, for that blesses me
Smile, for I need to smile too.

Come, let's walk together
Come, take me, take me away
To a land where
Sunshine is the only way

Missed you have been, winter sun
For the icy pathways of life
And the chilly winds alone
Have had me numbly frozen

The Echo

2008-10-23T21:54:00.003-04:00

Song of the moment: Shaam se aankh mein nami si hai

It was like the dust was scratched off the top of the trunk of memories to reveal the lock; it all came back like the dark cloud from the Pandora's box. It's been a year. One goddamn year, can you believe it. It is strange how everything including the pain comes alive the moment you start talking about something. And it wasn't passive this time. As well. I am so amazed at myself for being yet so under the influence.

And apart from the opening of the memory box, I am getting to hear extremely familiar phrases:

"...kitni vehli ho"

"...sharam naam ki toh koi cheez hi nahi hai"

"...nakhre hi bahut hain"

Do you know what that means? I haven't changed! I am partly happy about it, but partly sad as well... I do not want to be me anymore... I want the me to disappear behind a smiling face forever to not to be able to be reminded myself about me...

Song of this moment: Maine dil se kaha dhoond laana khushi...

Zindagi (Life)

2008-10-16T23:42:00.006-04:00

Kal ki hi sab baat lagti hai jab
Zindagi thi, mai zinda tha tab

Kisi ki muskurahaton se hi
Zindagi thi, mai muskurata tha tab

Kal hi tanhai mei yaad ayee jo, woh
Zindagi thi, mai aabaad tha tab

Woh saath-saath mei chalti hui
Zindagi thi, mai zinda tha tab

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all seems like yesterday when
Life existed, I was alive then

Someone's smile was the reason
Life existed, I used to smile then

Yesterday, the memory in the solitude
Was life, I used to be befriended then

What used to walk along with me
Was life, I was alive then

The Zahir

2008-10-13T02:23:00.002-04:00

I just finished reading "The Zahir" by Paulo Coelho on Adi's recommendation. And I now do know why you recommended me that book Adi. I can identify with each and every word written in the book. I mean it is a very strange coincidence - did Coelho write it for me, for I have the exact same questions as he does? Is Coelho the hero, or is Coelho me? No, well, the novel is written for the likes of me, and for the likes of him. It ended up telling me exactly why my Zahir wasn't disappearing from my life, and what I could possibly do to make it disappear. I have realized that it feels like exactly how I was feeling for what seems to be forever, when the life is occupied by something more correctly referred to as obsession, and when the Zahir takes over every moment and every space of your life. Zahir, the word in itself means "clearly visible". As Coelho explains in the beginning of his book:

Zahir, in Arabic, means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It is someone or something which, once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else. This can be considered either a state of holiness or of madness.

It did not take me quite a lot of effort to understand the Zahir. It did not take me quite a lot of effort to understand what I needed to do. What is taking a lot of effort was to understand how a person who talked about the freedom to follow our dreams could think of things like being affected by what people would think about him. Yes it is humane, but what his books refer to is not humane. You have to be above humans, or at least decide to go against the crowd. And if you decide to do so, why would you care in the least as to what people think - they would already think you are mad enough! Or is it that it wasn't him - it was one of his characters who was being bothered by the Zahir. I do strive to write sometimes, and I know that what a writer does is manipulates most of her own life and experiences and of those around her to come up with a breathtaking work of non-fiction. And if that is how The Zahir is born, I find it very hard to understand that the author and the lead character of the story is the very same, extremely humane person.

Apart from the confusion, The Zahir is an extremely engaging novel, something that I could not get my eyes off from ever since I started reading it. It teaches you to realize that there's stuff that holds you back, that prevents you from moving on, it teaches how everyone of us is capable of leaving our "personal history" behind, at the same time carrying with us just a story. It teaches you how love is not meant to be possessed, and how distance at times, is important to be able to rediscover love. It talks about the love minus humanism... I have no problems agreeing to the rupture of a variety of social taboos in the book. And I have no problems identifying with "sects". People in his novel are usually able to find people from whom they could "learn", if you know what I mean. Where can I find such a guru? Or such a sect? Why does it never happen to me that people talk to me about that Energy? or The Lady? or the numerous different ways of becoming closer to the One?
Perhaps it will be a while before I portray one of his characters in his book - remember, I hope to be free someday!

On the Walk - II

2008-10-13T00:52:00.006-04:00

Ego

The "I" consumes a lot more space in our lives than it should. Yes, I always say that happiness is what "I" want, and that still holds. But the ego is the darker side of I, and it comes into existence because of the ways of the world. A free world would be one in which there are no expectations of anyone. But our world doesn't fit into that definition.

How does expectation have anything to do with ego even remotely?

The way it works is this: Part of the life involves creating contacts - and there are some that are God-given - as we are "social animals". We do favours, and as a return, expect from people. It's very humane to expect for what we've done, although that's not what is right, even on accounts of declaring this act as humane. When the expectation is not fulfilled, there comes a time when my ego comes in, and I stop doing my part. There comes a time when I am so used to getting favours done for me, that I forget to do my part - assuming that I have all the right in the world to be treated in the kingly manner.

I also mentioned "the ways of the world" previously. The ways of the world have created tasks*, and have created certain people to be able to perform those tasks. If a man gets to think that a task is just not meant for him to do, there's nothing that you can do to get the man to accomplish the task, except try to break his ego.

There's also another reason for ego, which I haven't been able to figure out yet. A type of ego that couldn't be explained by either expectations or tasks... If any one can shed some light on another reason, it would be great...

And very funnily, the amount of ego differs between men and women - being so much more in men than in women. Women can forget it for a bit, but men will never do so. Men's pride** is their ego; it cannot be shattered by any living entity. The reason, for the difference, is probably a God's mistake in creation, and acts as another ingredient to the recipe of inequality-of-men-and-women... There's nothing for me to state as a possible reason for the difference.

Footnotes:

*Tasks here are not symbolic of the physical tasks. They' can be a word representing just about any activity, any possible verb.

**Pride is the end result of ego - an ego that swells so much that a person disrupts all contacts with realities, and creates a world of his own - he's the creator and the sole resident of his proud world.

Hidden Treasure

2008-10-07T00:32:00.005-04:00

I just read "The Little Prince" written by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, and there are some beautiful thoughts in the novel. Here, I am listing some words that I really loved while reading:

Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.

And, with perhaps a hint of sadness, he added: "Straight ahead of him, nobody can go very far..."

If you were to say to the grown-ups: "I saw a beautiful house made of rosy brick, with geraniums in the windows and doves on the roof," they would not be able to get any idea of that house at all. You would have to say to them: "I saw a house that cost $20,000." Then they would exclaim: "Oh, what a pretty house that is!"

"You know- one loves the sunset, when one is so sad..."

It is such a secret place, the land of tears.

"... Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her..."

"The grown-ups are certainly very, very odd," he said to himself, as he continued on his journey.

"Where are the men?"... "It is a little lonely in the desert..."
"It is also lonely among men," the snake said.

"... Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"Only the children know what they are looking for," said the little prince. "They waste their time over a rag doll and it becomes very important to them; and if anybody takes it away from them, they cry..."

"The desert is beautiful," the little prince added.
And that was true. I have always loved the desert. One sits down on a desert sand dune, sees nothing, hears nothing. Yet through the silence something throbs, and gleams...
"What makes the desert beautiful," said the little prince, "is that somewhere it hides a well... "

On the Walk - I

2008-10-05T20:50:00.003-04:00

Decisions

Decisions essentially depend on three factors in a non-ideal* world:

The long term effect of the decision
The number of people affected by the decision, and the intimacy** level with them
The pros and cons weighed in a decision-balance***

One factor may be the dominating one depending on the circumstances. So the formula is finding the most dominating factor, and then analyzing accordingly. Simple, eh?

Confusion in decisions exist if the decision is really small or if it is a really big one. You'll mostly be fine for medium sized decisions. Think about it!

Footnotes:

*In an ideal world, a decision depends on one thing only - what is it that you want to do?
**Intimacy level with a person is a mixture of closeness to the person, the amount you care about the person, how much would it take to hurt the person.
***A decision-balance, is pretty much a beam balance, in which you place the pros of a decision in one pan and cons of the decision in the other pan. The side that is heavy would essentially make more sense.

On the Walk

2008-10-05T20:22:00.002-04:00

It has become customary for me to go for a quiet walk on weekends when I am home. It de-stresses me, makes my lungs and body feel healthier, and ready for the week ahead. There's something in the air of Ottawa that reminds me of Dalhousie, India so much. It's such a similar fresh winter smell. It's the smell of the cold mixed with the smell of autumn leaves mixed with the smell of burnt wood smoke. And I love the amount of cold it is at the moment. And I love these walks.

I realized there's something that I am thinking during that walk, and have decided to try penning it down... as a series!! Let's see how far it goes (the winter's pretty close, so I do doubt it will not be a long series) :)!

The day that was...

2008-10-04T18:25:00.006-04:00

And that day was really special. More special than what she had wanted it to be, more special because everything was so unexpected. It was the day that marked her arrival into this world, and every year but this she was extremely excited about it. This year the day was also to be "celebrated" as an anniversary. She had decided she would forgive everyone who forgot her birthday and wanted the minimum number of wishes possible - just because some of them are unavoidable. Despite no publicity and despite no want for wishes, she was actually very glad that people who meant a lot to her wished her.
Did she make a list of people who wished her? Yes! That was custom to count the number of wishes she got on her birthday. That was 39 sans belated and early wishes. Sure the number isn't even close to comparing to the erstwhile birthdays, but well, that's a biggg number for this time.
What made her more glad was that oh-not-so-close people wished her as well. And to top it all, some people she knew for just a couple of months arranged a surprise birthday. The surprise did pleasantly shock her, and it showed on her face. She is extremely thankful to these bunch of people for everything - from wishing her, to convincing her to come to the Dandiya/Garba so she doesn't feel alone, to organizing the surprise cake, above all, for making her forget her "birthday woes" entirely! She hadn't danced as much on any of her previous birthdays, nor had she ever been confronted with such a wonderful surprise.
Along side all the nice things that were happening, she was waiting. And hoping! She watched the clock strike 12 and after 24 hours she saw the clock strike 12 again. Can you believe it? The hope doesn't leave her side usually. And that does hurt at times. At times such as these. When it is more than evident that the wait is not going to be fruitful. And guess what? It wasn't fruitful. Why should it be? After all I am the bedard, ya?

Forgetfulness

2008-09-30T22:59:00.004-04:00

"I am going home tomorrow :) "
"?? Where is home? Where are you? I thought you go home every day after work."

"You are not in hospital by any chance?"
"Go figure!"

"Canada? Vancouver? You are in States? You are in India. Oh WAITTT! You came to India a few months back! And you forgot to call me! Yea you are here :)"

**************************************************

"Nice pic!"
"Thank you :)"
"Where did you click it? Montreal?"
"No! Toronto" *Is doubtful* "You know where I am there days, ya?"
":) Yeah! That is why I said Montreal."

**************************************************

"I am coming to Toronto over the weekend :) "
"WHY?? WHAT is the need? Isn't that your home now?"
"HUHHH???"

**************************************************

The New Look!!!

2008-09-30T22:41:00.002-04:00

:)

Changed the look of the blog and added some gadgets in the side bar! How does it look?
Good? Bad? Ugly? Better? Worse?

Well, I love it, for a change :) Whatsay?

An Ode to My Smile Fairy

2008-09-26T22:13:00.005-04:00

Whenever he comes, he brings loads of smiles for me. And when does he come? When I need a friend the most. He makes you feel like he's right next door, but really he's miles and miles and miles away. You do not have to tell him you are crying, or upset - he just knows. And he knows exactly what to say to make you smile. The cutest of things, the most natural kind of humor, and the best advice is what I get from him. And he thinks I am a "poori saddist beauty"! And rightly, he thinks he is my Smile Fairy. He told me that I was the one who brings out this funny guy in him, but I do not think I believe him. He's such a natural.

No wonder he works with words everyday of his life! He weaves his dreams with words, and hopes and prays that one day they'll be a big reality in his life. He's the kind of magician who takes every day objects and turns them into the most astounding kind of poetry. Impossible to believe, but very true. He believes his words like no one else. His spelling mistakes are attributed to the fact that he's in love! I am so very sorry that he's angry with very few people in life, and one guy adds up to his list because of me.

So this, my friends is the story of my Smile Fairy, The Adee and Ant of Dee - Adi! Thanks for being such a wonderful person!

By the way, he also thinks if you call up a guy friend in the middle of the night and tell him you are missing him, the guy is going to love it and will talk to you atleast for the next half an hour, no matter whether he has a girl friend or not! What do you guys think?

Song of the moment: Kabhi socha hai kya, barish kyun bhaaye, kyun geet bewajah hothon pe aaye ... :-)

Freedom

2008-09-25T23:17:00.005-04:00

Paani ki tarah beh jaane do mujhe
ki aazaadi ka doosra naam hoon main
roko mat, rokne ki koshish mat karo
chalte chale jaane ka hi ek naam hoon main
apna raasta khud dhoond nikalne ki
aadat  si ho gayee hai mujhe
baandhon mein padha sadhne lagta hoon
haathon ki ungliyon se bhi nikal jaata hoon

(Like the water, let me flow away
For I am the other name of freedom
Don't stop me, don't try to stop me
I am the other name of going on
Finding my own way has become
More like a habit to me
I start rotting in dams
I escape from between fingers as well)

What an irony!!!

Song of the moment: Jaane kya chahe mann, bawara, ankhiyan mere saawan chala ...

Life is beautiful!!

2008-09-25T22:10:00.004-04:00

Been a while since I last blogged... Had been busy with first, trying to adjust, second, a short trip back home, third, work, fourth, life!!

And talking about life reminds me of the quiet walk I had yesterday near the Rideau Canal. I am posting some nice pics that I clicked... And do you know what these pics tell me? They tell me - yes, it does get lonely at times, but loneliness has the nicest of colors... Don't believe me? Take a look for yourself!

Does this look like our world at all? My world's all tumultuous, but remains no longer so, when I become a part of this world! Amazing!!

I love the angular view in this pic ... This is such a serene picture ...

Too late for a pic I guess, but nevertheless, worth a try! The lovely Parliament Hill is what you see up here!

Another shot of the Parliament Hill... If you liked them, and want some more, go to my Facebook acct :)

Wake up! and blog!

2008-09-12T01:03:00.003-04:00

Sab jag soye, hum jaagein, taaron se karein baatein .......
Chandni raatein

Yesterday, as I was lying in bed, I had this very strong urge to get up, and blog about something. It was something that I cannot define at this moment as, precisely, I do not remember, but I can gather from faint memory that the characteristics of it were very philosophical. It was as if I really needed to give some treasured piece of advice to the world. And I lay tossing in bed trying to avoid waking up to "blog" at 2:00 a.m. in the morning. And I managed to stay in bed. The result? Well, the world is devoid of some treasured words! :)

Song of the moment: Main jahan rahoon, main kahi bhi rahoon, teri yaad saath hai....
Mood of the moment: Tired and sleepy (if there is such a type of mood!)

Freedom

2008-09-10T23:14:00.005-04:00

It is pathetic that, we, the inhabitants of this world, complain about not being free, where we are the ones who cover ourselves behind layers and layers of bondage, and continue to be bound... As I always say, we can, most often than not, choose. We choose worldly responsibilities, societal norms, over what's more important ... and as a result, suffer restraint. Sadly, I am one of this world as well...

It does not count whether the blue colored dress suits me more than the pink one; it doesn't matter what my neighbour would think if I have children that do not get married at "the right age"; it doesn't matter whether I loved and lost, or whether I loved again; it doesn't matter whether I cleared the GMAT test because my mum wanted me to. All that matters in this world is - AM I HAPPY DOING WHAT I AM?

Don't do unto others what you want them to do to you. STOP expecting. Do unto others entirely as you want to do with them. The book Illusions by Richard Bach gives a beautiful, very beautiful example of this. I'd recommend this book for anyone who's really looking at breaking free.

Another powerful and extremely well done book about following what you need to do most is The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho.

But I will be free, someday.

I strive for the day I would be free,
With not a soul to answer
With not a question in mind
With no hunger for love
And with no reasons, no pain

I will be the answer, the enigma
I will be free, someday

Incomplete

2008-09-09T18:45:00.003-04:00

A bird without a nest
A success without a test

A glass without water
A talk without laughter

A symbol without a meaning
A magic show without cheating

Ah! what a paired world
And what a symmetric existence...

Nasha

2008-09-07T21:56:00.007-04:00

abhi tak hoon choor main
ye kaisa nasha hai
utarne ka jo naam nahi leta
 
kabhi achcha lagta hai, kabhi bura 
ye kaisa nasha hai  
asar hi jiska samajh mei na aaya  

dhundli deewarein dhundle darwaze 
dhundli manzil dhundle hi raaste 
dagmagaye ja rahi hoon main 
kahin hai is nashe ka ilaaj yaaron
kya koi haqeem koi marham 
koi haqeeqat, koi sa bhi barham... 



Not-up-to-the-mark Translation:

I am still drunk
What kind of an effect is this
Which doesn't get off you

Sometimes it feels good, sometimes bad,
What kind of an effect is this
The after-effects of which are not understandable

Blurry windows blurry doors,
Blurry destination and blurry ways,
I keep on faltering
Is there a treatment for this drunkenness friends
Is there some doctor some medicine
Is there some reality, or any kind of false belief...

I, Me, and Myself

2008-09-07T00:17:00.003-04:00

I've often had people saying, "your blog is so much about you." There, you said it - "your blog"! Well, yea, it is MY BLOG, and I write about me, about stuff I hate, stuff I love, or stuff that has anything to do with me or my thoughts... If anyone has problems, I'd really like to confess I am not changing the way things are written on this blog; you might want to start liking it and continue reading it, or you might want to take a break for all this me-stuff, and blog surf elsewhere!

It is MY blog and will remain so FOREVER...

Memory lane

2008-09-06T23:34:00.003-04:00

aaj chand de gaya khidki pe dastak
de gaya beete samay ki phir se jhalak
de gaya phir mann mei ik kasak

kyun rooth sa jaata saara jahaan hai
kyun toote patton sa mann bemanzil uda jaata hai
kyun dard raat ke rangon sa roz roz ubhar aata hai

sochti hoon kya kabhi ye jahaan phir apna lagega
kya kabhi mann udaan ko koi manzil milegi
kya raat ka rang bhor mein ghul ke ghum ho jayega

the moon, today, gave a knock on the window
gave a snapshot of old times
gave an ache in the heart

why does the whole word turn its face away
why, like broken leaves the heart flies without a destination
why, pain, like the colors of the night, rises every day

i am thinking will this world ever feel like my own
will the heart-flying ever get a destination
will the colors fo the night merge and get lost in the dawn

This first anniversary (of something) wasn't something I wanted to remember ... But unfortunately, it will not go away without reminding me of it. I am good with dates.

Did you know?

2008-09-05T21:03:00.003-04:00

Did you know where the Governor General of Canada and the President of Canada live? Did you know that there was at one point of time a one dollar bill in Canada? Did you know Rideau river merges into the Ottawa river? Well, I now do know this, and a lot more! Today we had this fantabulous bus tour of Ottawa event sponsored by the Graduate Student Association for welcoming new grads. The bus took us around Downtown, Ottawa and showed us a number of places of interest, and also gave an idea of popular restaurants, pubs, etc. in Downtown... There's soo much water around Ottawa, and it's surrounded by three beautiful rivers - Gatineau river, Ottawa river and the Rideau river... There were so much greenery. We also got to take a peek into the Gatineau region - essentially a part of Quebec. I loved it absolutely. I think the events being organized by GSA are a great way for people from outside Ottawa to merge into the walks and ways of Ottawa. And the good part is that they continue till the end of next week :)

And the dreaded weekend is here. I'd be bored to death if I stick to staying home for both days... I donno where I can go... And I don't really know people yet...

I still haven't settled down quite for getting into the mood of studying... I should, though! My mum's glad Ottawa puts me to sleep early, and makes me wake up early as well! I am not too glad with that...

Where are you from?

2008-09-05T16:38:00.002-04:00

OK, the most common question that anyone is most likely going to ask you in your first communication with them: Where are you from?

What do I say?

Toronto? - that's where my parents are, that's what's been "home" for the past 3 something years
India? - that's where my roots are ... that's where I belong ultimately, but that is not where I am "coming from" at the moment.
Coming from Toronto, originally from India? - that's too long an answer for a question as short as "Where are you from?"

What do I say??

The beginning

2008-09-04T22:52:00.004-04:00

I am extremely tired. I know I haven't written anything sensible in the past some days. I haven't really been in the mood yet. Plus everyday I get so tired... I wonder why Toronto wasn't this tiring ever... And I haven't started studying as well... Grad school doesn't give vibes like those of an undergrad school... It seems much harder. There's stuff that I really need to get done ASAP, but I cannot even get to start them.

Anyway, besides the tiredness, there's so much that I want to talk about. I am missing Toronto a lot, specially today. It's one of those days today... I am so glad RA's been talking to me really really frequently, and listening to all the crap that I have to say. I am so thankful for having him around. I wish I made friends fast...

I think people in Ottawa a lot more friendlier and helpful than they are in Toronto. If they are unable to help you with reaching some-building, they feel so sorry, as if not knowing and not being able to help you was all their mistake (I experienced this a couple times...). They talk more, and smoke less... and they are not allowed to smoke in the approximate distance of 10 m from the entrance doors to uni buildings, which I think is absolutely amazing. The roads do not seem as simple and straight as Finch E or Finch W, and Yonge N or Yonge S. It might be a while before I get to understand the curves and turns. And yes, I am not saying Ottawa is better than Toronto - it isn't; it lacks my family and friends yet...

There was this trip to the Art Gallery that was organized by Grad Student Association today, and I went there. This Art Gallery is soooo much better than the Art Gallery of Ontario that they have in Toronto. There's also this bus tour of Ottawa tomorrow, which I may attend.

Coming to studies, well, honestly, I am most likely going to sleep right after posting this. Gawwwd give me some more time... Where is all the time one has as a student??? It will be a while before I adjust to everything...

Good night world!
11:12 p.m.

Mood of the moment: Homesick
Song of the moment: Hum rahein ya na rahein kal ...

Update

2008-09-01T14:41:00.004-04:00

I have moved to Ottawa finally. The sinking feeling is still lingering on. It is probably because I do not really have anything better to do at the moment. And it being a holiday today doesn't even allow me to get to someplace. I finished setting up my room last night, configured my shelf, setup my printer, woke up early this morning (well early, in my dictionary means 8:30), and went for a walk, made my breakfast, got my phone number changed, changed my address at a number of places. Wasn't I productive enough for two days?

There's a window in my room, that faces west and lets sunlight in after 2:00 p.m. till whatever time the sun is visible. Yes, room gets relatively large amounts of heated sun. But I am praying for the days to be shorter so that the winter sun from the room would look good :)

I have some stuff to buy, which I'll probably do tomorrow. And I still have the whole evening to pass... urghhhh

After effects

2008-08-26T02:16:00.006-04:00

Everything in this world has after-effects. Think about the after-effects of anti-aging creams to nuclear bombs to pregnancy to love.

Let's leave the after effects of anti-aging creams, nuclear bombs and pregnancy for the more eligible class of scientists to explore and prove...

I am just going to take a plunge into the after effects of the non-scientific thing - love.

Pyaar ke Side-Effects toh dekhi hi hogi. So, besides that, well, the first serious after-effect of love is expectation. The world is witness to the fact that expectations in love are the basic cause for a majority of blunders in love.

The second serious after-effect of love is that the love-birds fail to keep track of their friends... Friends cease to exist - friends are no longer inhabitants of the lovers' superior planet.

The third serious after-effect of love is comparison. The comparison can be between times gone by, and the present; or between someone else's lover and your own.

And of course, there is the "heart-break" part of love. Govinda rightly said, "Oye Raju, pyaar na kariyo... dil toot jaata hai". People deal differently with heart-breaks. There are people, who WANT to cry for their entire life, and not think of the future, of their friends' and family's happiness... I use the word "want" because humans are made of a very strong and powerful material. They have the ability to choose what to do with themselves. They can either choose to drown in self-pity or can choose various ways to come out of situations. They can choose to forgive and forget, or remember and regret... Yes, sometimes we do not have a choice, but we pretty much know whether the choice is there for us to make or not. And as if to continue the train of thoughts forward, it appears that heart-breaks themselves have a history of after-effects. I am not willing to get to them at this point of time.

But remember, choose... Choose on the basis of reasons. It's like putting the fors and againsts on a beam balance and weighing them, and seeing which side of reasoning is heavier... Well, at least, that is how I do it. And I think it helps...

We, more often than not, have a choice.

Un-expectations

2008-08-26T01:46:00.003-04:00

I have been talking a lot about expectations, and about people failing to meet them. And today, I have been disappointed by not one but two people. Two people, who meant a lot did unexpected things - one spoke something I wasn't expecting to hear i.e. "Stop pretending", and the other has not spoken anything.

This first gentleman, "middle man" as someone named him, was what I thought of as an exceptional friend. He's what almost a six year old friend... Probably he was trying to show me a side of me that didn't exist or that he thought I was aware of, but hiding from him... Probably he thought that my best interest was to know that I should stop pretending and that he had come to know I was pretending... Probably it's the distance that does quite a lot of things to you... I wish he knew what pretense was. Pretense is hanging up on the phone, and blaming it on the network, pretense is knowing someone called you, and never calling back, pretense is gaining sympathy of people when you are at fault. Pretense is smiling every day and chirping the whole day so mum-dad are happy; pretense is running away from everything with the hope to really run away from everything. My life, what remains of it is what I trying to improvise. I do not need comments that make me sit on my thinking chair, and re-picture the worst phases of my life. I admittedly do that without the presence of those comments, and that is something I see myself refraining from doing in the near future. I do not need friends who do not believe me, and of course think I am pretending and also expect me always to take that first step. I am extremely hurt and extremely disappointed.

This other gentleman, oh well, I don't want to say anything about him. He's disappointed me far too much to say anything about him. I am waiting and watching... still. It feels dumb and ridiculous doing so. But I guess his speaking up or not doesn't affect me to the extent that the "middle man's" comment does. I do not need friends who tell me that they are closest to me but when it comes to their-facts-of-life, I get to hear that from other people ... But as I said, I am not hurt - just disappointed.

I've lost faith over love, I wonder how much more will it take to lose faith over friendship someday. I earnestly hope that never happens ...

At First Sight

2008-08-21T11:55:00.004-04:00

"At First Sight" by Nicholas Sparks is very captivating, and is the latest book that I finished. Last night I couldn't keep the book down before I actually finished it. It is an amazing story of the ups and downs of relationships, and of love at first sight, and of how that love sustained. I would recommend people to read that novel. It's not an unrealistic romance. And the twist in the end was, I guess so unpredictable. They were focusing on the unborn baby and anxieties of the parents to be, that ABS (amniotic band syndrome) may be a potential danger to the baby, and the baby may end up born with physical deformities, and the extreme rare case, the baby may die! But who was to believe that, when a healthy baby was delivered, the mum would die because of what is called amniotic fluid embolism, and surprisingly, the two diseases are not related.
Another surprising thing was Doris being able to accurately judge the gender of an unborn baby way in advance, and also whether the baby would be miscarried. And her ability to judge so for 93 women under "controlled settings". It was pure intuition, but hey, it worked, always!!

The book mentions that somethings are inexplicable if trying to base their explanation on Science. I guess I have learned to believe that over time. Some things are just meant to be. But even after reading the novel, I do not know whether my belief for "love at first sight" has increased a percent more than what it was earlier or no. You can't have reasons for why you love a person if it was love at first sight. From my experiences in life, if love exists "just because" and there is just no reason why you love a person, you will end up not fighting for that person you love, you will end up not supporting that person. The mind needs a reason for everything, and it's those times when there is no reason that people oftentimes end up walking out of love. On the other hand, knowing why you love someone has you have a reason for wanting the person in your life and of course, fighting for the person's presence right where she belongs. It's plain simple as that. Yes it worked out for Jeremy and Lexie...

I am searching for a good book to read. I may as well read when I can :) Any suggestions anyone?

Mood of the Moment: Doubtful, Questioning

Song of the Moment: Ae ajnabi, tu bhi kabhi aawaaz de kahi se (Dil Se...)

Khali dimag = shaitaan ka ghar

2008-08-19T01:41:00.003-04:00

19th August 2008
1:47 a.m.

My first day off work is over. As RA said, "unemployed"! I missed work somewhat... and got bored and well, it's seems like it's been forever since I was actually idle for some time at a stretch.

Just finished watching Singh is Kinng. It was nice and fun, for a change, and for remembrances as well...

People come and people go, but only few leave footprints on your heart...

Aaj jaane ki zidd na karo, yu hi pehlu mei baithe raho
Haaye mar jaayenge, Hum toh lut jaayenge,
Aisi baatein kiya na karo

"What's the limit of true love?"
"Its like the limits of the ocean - limitless."
"Ah ah! There's borders that separates two of them; there's a limit to the ocean - it's not visible to the focuses of human eyes blinded by the vast expanse."

tanhai ki tasveer bana di kalakaar ne
zara mai bhi toh uski parchhai dekhoon
kya woh mere jaisi hai
kya saath mein do ghariyan bitayegi
ya sab ki tarah chhod chali jaayegi??

Translation:
(The artist made a picture of loneliness
I should catch a glimpse of its reflection
Is she like me
Would she spent two moments with me
Or would she leave live the rest?)

And by the way, the title literally means "An empty mind is the house of the devil!" Figured that already, didn't you!!

when the going gets rough...

2008-08-15T01:07:00.003-04:00

August 15, 2008
1:07 a.m.

Happy Independence Day India!

We're celebrating our independence by killing our tenants to prove that we can actually shoot as well as Abhinav Bindra - the guy who got us a gold medal in the 2008 Beijing Olympics. And by fighting over religions that actually teach us all paths lead to The One. How amazing can that be? It may seem ironical when I am writing about this from Toronto, and when I actually don't and can't do anything about it. It's the nationalists, the patriotics, that are responsible for the doom of a country.

But anyway, the world's turning an evil place with each passing day. And how people marvel at fooling themselves that the world is still good, and that not every one is a liar. It's the fact that I actually tell people upfront, "Every one on earth is a liar", and they cringe and think, "Oh my good Lord, she thinks like this about me!" I mean come on, we all know the truth deep down, why am I out of my mind when I say it?

Let me leave aside the political turmoil of life, and settle for a bit on the personal turmoil. It's my last day at work tomorrow. Well, actually today. I have mixed feelings. You are utterly comfortable in a niche for a while, when all of a sudden you plan to plunge into an altogether new world, new people, new everything. I have been there for a total of 17 months now, and have gotten used to the environment, people. This describes my state of mind better. Except the voice trailing off portion :-).

Anyway, it had to come, I guess. Better now than ever. And I had to do it this point in time... But yes, I am nervous, excited, sad ... and many more things at this very time.

"This too shall pass!"

Anatomy of arranged marriages

2008-08-05T23:09:00.001-04:00

I do not know whether there's any point in my exploring the dark and exceedingly diminishing world of arranged marriages. Dark because it's really, really dark out there. No one really knows what one has to end up with... Diminishing because, thankfully (some) people of my parents' generations have begun to accept the idea of a mutual understanding and feeling of love between the people getting married rather than a burdening alliance between two families.

It's two people unaware of the presence of the other on this earth, unaware that the other is going to mean their life for the rest of it, who meet over a cup of coffee, and decide whether this other is the person they really want to spend their rest of the life with. It's two people who come together not because they were attracted to each other because of so-and-so similarities, or not because they were attracted to each other because of their personalities differing like the north and south pole; it is two people who come together because their families are alike in status, money, and fame, and maybe, because they have a common connection to a third family responsible for the alliance. It is two people who decide to walk besides each other no matter what. And it turns out that in arranged marriages, no matter what" literally means that.

True that arranged marriages (usually) are more successful than love, but what that tends to mean is that people bound in arranged marriages are not divorced, and nothing above and beyond that. That is all the statistics count, isn't it? For one, there are no expectations from each other in arranged marriages just when the blissful years of married life start and thus, since day one, you take to observations and recording of reactions. It's most philosophical to claim that people with least expectations are the happiest. For another, there is also no comparison between the pre-marriage and post-marriage outlook of the other person, which I think avoids a fair amount of hassle. Those two reasons specially hold strongly against people who are tied by the strings of love marriage. In the latter case, there are mutual dreams about the post-marriage life, and definitely there are those expectations and comparisons.

At times, an arranged marriage drags on unhappily, for life, just because the word divorce was never introduced in our dictionaries... What a shame it is that two individuals (or at least one) are let to suffer for life because of mistakes made by their elders. And sadly, they have to endure it all - yes, quietly definitely works best. The world pities them, but no one really dares to take a step forward and free them of the superfluous binding. I mean, I am a believer of Dalai Lama's quote "The purpose of life is to be happy". What exactly is any one getting by torturing those poor souls and robbing them of THEIR life? Guys, you cannot benefit out of their lives!

Anyway, that was an extension of a semi-personal episode, which I have become familiar with recently. Every person should be responsible for what they do, and they should be given enough freedom to live the kind of life they want, and bear the consequences of their actions. People who get married aren't kids anymore dammit! And people who mistreat their "better-halves" should be screwed.

Not that I am against arranged marriages, but I am definitely not for them. They're extremely flawed. People who are responsible for these marriages' going hay-wire will never take the blame for it. And people who are not responsible, are the miserable sufferers. Other than that, life's more of an adjustment for ever, and there's actually less of the substance called life that remains when it turns out to be an adjustment...

For the sake of writing

2008-08-02T02:32:00.004-04:00

Song of the moment: Pehli Nazar, Atif Aslam

OK, an insomniac is once again back. It is 2:32 a.m. the 2nd of August. A friend from India tells me it's Friendship Day tomorrow. I was a fan of all Archie-made-days during the good old times in India. I miss the exchange of cards with the most intense feelings and quotations on them. But now, these days just make me realize what I lack, instead of celebrating what I have. The Valentine's day, needless to say, arouses a feeling welled with a dearth of love and well, the Friendship day, a dearth of (true, if I may say) friendship.

So anyway, I finished watching Kismat Konnection half an hour ago. Nothing special in there, except the regular Bollywood lucky people... Do I need say more :-) ?

It's the long weekend, and guess what? I have no plans :). I am almost at the end of the book Two Lives by Vikram Seth. I wasn't much impressed by the author's writing style. I felt it probably needed a better finishing. However, the contents kept me hooked right to the very end. As I was reading the novel, I had been thinking about whether Vikram Seth was married or not. Well, the book mentioned quite a lot about him as well, but didn't pick on the topic. Don't bother too much about this comment about Seth's marriage - it just came to my mind out of nowhere!! And the next book in my queue is Adventures of Tom Sawyers. I am actually dying to start that one. And then, comes Shakespeare. I hopefully would be able to finish these two before I get actively engaged in my future project.

Talking about music, my brother is of the opinion that I have lost my taste in music. Well, I have times when music annoys me to the extent that I don't want to have anything to do with it. But generally, I am pretty much in touch with what's going on in Bollywood music lately.

That seems like quite a lot of insensible jabbering. It's 3:04 a.m. on 2nd of August. Good night world!

Wishing everyone a Happy Friendship Day. May you get *TRUE* friends in life...

Song of the moment: Bakhuda Tumhi Ho, Atif Aslam

Of promises and trials

2008-07-29T23:59:00.004-04:00

Have promises broken your heart? Empty and un-kept promises? Promises that the maker knew she would be breaking at some point in time? Promises you believed whole heartedly on? Promises and words that meant so much to you that you actually failed to see the reality?

Have people ever told you how selfish the world is and how they hate selfish people, and have the very same people acted as the most selfish people on this earth?

Life sucks - sure it could suck more than now, but you know, human nature. It compels me to complain about the things that ought to have carried a different course than they actually did. Yes, even after reading about the Holocaust.

I realize how my writing has started to suck as well. There's no rhythm, there's no meaning any more. And poetry has been running away from me, as if there never was a relationship between us at any point in time. See how people and things run from you, run from the relationship, run from realities and brutalities? Nevertheless, it's like my fingers urge to kick the keyboard of my laptop and my mind forces me to jot down my thoughts on this piece of modern paper.

But yes, I am trying. I am trying every single way I can. And I cannot help but fool myself by running blindly behind the extremely bright streak of light left by hope, by believing that some day, one random day, I will be a happy soul with no regrets, sorrows, resentments, and dejection, offered as the gifts of life to all blessed souls...

Man and Wife

2008-07-27T22:09:00.002-04:00

And now I pronounce thee Man and Wife.

Thus begins the endless saga of expectations, devastations, frustrations and adjustments. Thus begins the tale of a man who expects his wife to cook and clean everyday for him, and for his children some years down the road, and thus begins the tale of a woman who has to give in to her man's (reasonable or unreasonable) demands, and who has to sacrifice and get subdued, who has to be the quick-fix of the relationship, and who will be responsible for everything that goes wrong, always.

Why is the system so deeply infected by the so called male-dominance? Why does the woman have to be sober enough to give in to her demands and feelings, and always do what the man wants to get done? Why is the woman too much caring and feeling for others and why is it not a man's duty as well to understand and accept his lady's wants sometimes? And men have to act haughtily should the lady choose to dictate her will, and that too, as a suggestion!

What we like to say, on the one hand is that in today's world, both genders are treated equal. But sad as I am when I have to say it, it still remains true - that is not the case. Can you drill down to the expectations that you have for your life partner, if I may say, to see where the difference is. On the other hand, we like to say that it's impossible to survive without the other. It shouldn't be called surviving. It should be called sacrificing because that is what it really is. I hate words depicting deceit.

Thankless??

2008-07-26T23:27:00.003-04:00

The Holocaust was so terrible - I didn't realize that until I read the personal experiences of people who underwent the pain. It was in the simplest of words, the most inhumane thing that must ever have occurred on earth, and it was truly the worst and the most disgusting of things that I have ever read. It made me sick and I felt like I should not continue reading "Two Lives" any more or at least, skip a few pages overwhelmingly filled with trauma. But regardless, facts seldom change.

And ironical that it's people like us who complain at the smallest of things that happen!

Oh, I have to wake up early to go to work, and I hate doing that!
Oh, I had to skip a meal today because of blah blah!
Oh, I have to cook food for my family everyday; I so hate doing that!
Oh, I felt hot in the office today - I wonder why they can't lower the AC temperature.

Imagine waking up every day not knowing whether it is the last day of your life or you still have to live with God-knows how much pain before a day is proclaimed as your last day. Or imagine living on a one time diet of very thin soup for a number of days, that too at the mercy of some people. Or imagine not knowing what's being done to your family and where they are, worrying about them each passing second. Imagine an endless craving for being in peaceful and happy times with your loved ones around you, cooking, eating, cleaning, laughing together. Or imagine having to sleep on the coldest of grounds with bare minimum clothing... My heart shudders to think about all this, and I really feel thankful for everything that I have.

What I've mentioned here about the conditions of the Jews is probably a very tiny speck of their endless misery during the Nazi rule in Germany. If you still feel like you have more to complain, I urge you to go find some material on the Holocaust and go through it - you'll probably find much more to be thankful about. And I think "Two Lives" is not an entirely detailed account, although it sheds light on some personal details.

And we say, ours is an adjusting life...

Two Lives is a book written by Vikram Seth, an account of a very interesting life of his uncle, whose wife is a German, and had family who were killed by Nazi atrocities.

Shifting gears

2008-07-17T23:12:00.003-04:00

"Life is not a movie... Good guys loose.. True love doesn't win... And love does not conquer all...."

LOL! A reflection? A mirror image? A shadowed thought? An identification? And have all words been said there?

And yes, I meant to portray sarcasm in my laugh... is it the same-sun-sign effect? can't be, can it? who knows... or is it the jinx, that RA's been talking about these days? Or the rahu-ketu effect that Shrey's talked about?

but regardless, i feel pity and i wished i was worth more... and that i was able to help somehow. As a matter of fact I know little about the root cause...

Life is about choices and preferences. An optimist is a person with a blindfold on her eyes... A pessimist is a courageous man who has the guts to say the truth of life... And to quote someone who's been added to the list of nice-ppl-i-know, "Hope is certainly not the last thing that comes out of a man!"

And yet, the foolish optimist people like to go on believing on the wonders of hope...

Popcorn, Movie & Masala

2008-07-10T00:00:00.003-04:00

I am writing today because I feel like it. I watched Jaane Tu... Ya Jaane Na today. Cute movie. And oh well, I did feel like Rondhu, when he mentioned he *too* wanted someone in his life, just like Jai had Aditi and Aditi had Jai.

And do I identify with Amit? His best friend, his sister had found other friends, and went too far away from him... I absolutely loved it when Aditi's brother advises her not to marry Sushant...

Everyone's parents were so cool - Jai's not rich at all - no vehicle, not even a cell phone, but Aditi's parents had expected him to marry Aditi, way before he or she even admitted to themselves that they loved the other. Yea, I know what you are going to say - it's a movie. Anything can happen. And to quote something I haven't forgotten, "Aisi baatein movies mein hi achchi lagti hain".

OK this is not to be taken as a review for the movie... Just a collection of my thoughts together with my emotions.

Soch zara jaane-jana tujhe hum kitna chahte hain,
Rote hain hum bhi agar teri aankho mei aansu aate hain
Gana toh aata nahi hai, magar hum phir bhi gaate hain ...

I have been reading "Magic Seeds" by V.S. Naipaul. An average kind of tale, darker than his "Half a Life", and somewhat broken. It seems like the author had no clue with what to do with Willie's life - he had wasted a majority of Willie's life! But I did learn this big word from there: phantasmagoria. The meaning - go figure!

On a side note, I wonder when Rahul would post something on this blog. And talking about Rahul, I hope these Athenian(?) guys are having a good deal of fun!!

Trying this from Firefox Add-on

2008-07-04T23:50:00.001-04:00

Ok I got this cool Mozilla Firefox add-on called Scribefire, that actually lets me write to my blog without actually going on to the Blogger website...

And on a side note, I am loving Ubuntu, except the everyday bugs that one comes across.... like the inability to resume properly after sleep =(

And from the toolbar it seems like it is going to let me add images directly from flickr and also youtube!

ok, that's it for now... 1, 2, 3 post ....

Forgotten words.

2008-07-03T00:42:00.002-04:00

ok, hi!
.
...
.....
...
.

Bye!

There was something I wanted to say. but like a lot of other things, let's leave this unsaid.

I am missing people

2008-07-02T00:47:00.003-04:00
I do not want to go to work tomorrow - nothing unusual about that. I am feeling low - nothing unusual about that too. I am missing tons of people in my life, at this very same moment. I do not think I wish to name all of them.

I so wish to talk to old friends, get in touch with them, find out what waters they are sailing in... I am not doing so for the fear of being questioned... "How's life treating you?"
Well... Period.

It is the awkwardness of that period and the silence after that period that seizes my want.

It's a lonely life, they tell me. And they tell me the truth. Can I bear the weight of loneliness on my frail shoulders? Time, someday, will tell. It's a long life, they tell me, no one can travel the journey alone. I do see a satire, a pun, an irony in there! There are two things - with and without, with referring to not lonely, without referring to lonely.

Rahul, Satish and Shaks are gone as well... Shr isn't here either. Someday, I will not be here too.

us musafir se poocha tha maine
jis raah jaana na tha, uska pata diya mujhe
main bhatak gayee, kho gayee thi
meri duniya hi tabaah ho gayee thi

raste se bhi poocha tha maine
kya koi guzara tha aaj yahan se
jhoot bolna usko bhi khoob aa gaya
bola arsa hua, koi yaha se jab gaya

Valentine forever...

2008-06-19T23:47:00.007-04:00
He wrote his name on a piece of paper that lay besides the old Linux machine in the Computer lab that he was using to jot down a rough draft of his proof for the Math question. She read it, pronounced it very slowly. She looked at him after finishing, and he had a disappointed look in his eyes at the same time as he was nodding his head as if to say "Yea!".
"Oh! I guess I got it all wrong! I am sorry. How is this pronounced?"
"No ... it's okay ... It's just that ..."
"No what is it?"

How in the world could I have guessed that the letters "ll" together could ever be pronounced like "kh" and not "ll", she thought.

Oh she actually cares, he smiled sheepishly as he thought.

What she didn't think was that he would take her gesture to be really thoughtful, and what he didn't think was that was just her nature ...

That was the first meeting of these two vividly opposite individuals - Him being not-so-quiet not-so-intelligent-but-hard-working short-statured guy and her being the smarter, taller, shyer kinds. He was from England - the part where "ll" is read as "kh", and she was from America, where "ll" written is taught as "ll". Regardless of these minute differences, the Math course provided the medium for them to interact, for her to teach him stuff that she felt so at home with, and for him to pretend that he didn't know stuff so he could spend some more time with her - her continuously talking and him, well, disappearing into his magical world, sheltered by the cocoon of her words. He was well aware of the state of ecstasy that he was in when he was with her, and the intolerable pain of the time he wasn't. He was in a fix as to whether he should tell her about those inexplicable feelings? Was she in the same boat as him? After all, she cared how she pronounced his name; she put effort teaching him the Taylor's series and the Chi Square test; she made him not miss home as much as he would have otherwise.

It is weird how a human being - one single entity - holds two different opinions about one thing at the exact same time. He was going back to Wales at the end of this semester regardless of whether he told her or not, and regardless of whether she accepted his proposal or not. He did not want to miss the one chance of asking her to be with him for their entire life.Given the assumption that she accepted him as her life partner, would he move to US or would she move to Wales with him? After much debating, when being with her and controlling his emotions was proving to be no less agonizing than the desire of possessing her, he decided to throw the ball in her court, and let her take control of it.

It was almost the end of the term, and he had about a month before he was leaving for Wales. She was heading towards the library after the class ended at 4:00 p.m. He invited her for a coffee. December approaching, there was a warm kind of chill in the wind. She was blabbering about how the Vietnamese Math TA of her section was a meretricious guy when she noticed him unexceptionally quiet and thoughtful. She calmed down, and waited patiently for him to talk.

"I am going back on 20th December."
"Hmm. All set?"
"Uh. Umm."
Her eyes did the questioning for her this time. What is it?
Gravely came the reply, "Will you be my Valentine forever?"
She went blank for the longest two seconds of her life. How? Why? Now? I mean, isn't he going away for what's called forever? Was I supposed to tell him?
His voice cut through the voice of her mind. "You do not have to answer this. It's okay.I have been thinking about you for a while now, and the feeling of being so much in love has forced me to walk upto you and ask this question. I do not even know that if you choose to say yes, what vision should I hold of our future. It's just that I felt like asking you and ..."
"May be I ought to have told you, or I thought I did tell you - I am sorry if I didn't, I am married."

Halka Halka Suroor ...

2008-06-16T23:42:00.004-04:00
Song of the moment: Ye Jo Halka Halka Suroor Hai (Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan).

I've always found this one singer absolutely amazing. And now I find him convincing. I realized the amount of liveliness he brings to love. The love's worth the pain, he tells me.

This sensational Qawwali of 23 minutes and 4 seconds is one of his many wonders and one of my many favourites. I am sure he'd not fail you if you chose to listen to this one.

tera naam loon zuban se, tere aage sar jhukaoon,
mera ishq keh raha hai, main tujhe khuda bana doon

(I speak thy name, I bow my head in front of thee,
my love's advising me to make thee my Lord)

And what's even further fantastic is that majorly the additional ingredients he uses to prepare the "soulful" music are the Tabla and Harmonium, and ofcourse, the wonderful, wonderful raagas... I cannot just stop tapping the table or anything at hand when I listen to him.

tera naam mere lab par, mera tazkara hai dar dar
mujhe bhool jaye duniya, mai agar tujhe bhula doon

(Your name's on my lips, every door thus, has my mention
Let the world forget me, if I choose to forget you)

This Qawwali ends rather beautifully, as Nusrat ji goes on to highlight (I guess) that love doesn't really have a happy ending...

... Mei kehta reh gaya khata-e-mohabbat ki achi saza di
Meri dil ki duniya bana kar mita di

(I kept saying that you've given me a good punishment for committing the mistake of loving,
You made my heart's world and shattered it as well ...)

Sheer amazing beauty. I wish I had a chance to go to this man's live concert...

Mood of the Moment: Romantic

Ifs and buts

2008-06-11T23:56:00.003-04:00
The easy conditions. The easier blames. Sometimes just, sometimes just the easiest ways out. Make what you want of it - It's my life...I got my problems

Each one of us learns the language of ifs and buts - and pretty fast. And I just love the if else loops in programming so much. In conjunction with the if loops walks a conditional life of ours.

"If you do not drink milk for the first 16 years of your life, chances are you might not be as healthy."
"I drank milk for 20 years of my life but uncontrolled amount of oil caused heart attacks".
Did you notice the condition in the first sentence? An incomplete if else statement that is. Most of our life's conditions are deficient... They're buggy!
And the second sentence, an effortless blame... I did what I was told to! The requirements were not clear!
*Yo techie ppl, identify with me?*

How very very easy it is to discredit someone with the use of the tiny, tiny word if. If Mr X had done a certain something, we would definitely be out of this mess. The sayer might as well be doing the same thing consciously had he been in Mr. X's shoes.
*shrugs* Regardless, I am not in Mr. X's shoes.

And how can I forget relationships when talking about conditions. True that something called "unconditional love" is more of a dying myth on our planet now. (On second thoughts, did it ever exist???) But conditions have to be just and justifiable as well. How many of us will be forced to refer and revisit their relationships - past or preset - just by the mere mention of conditions in relationships being mentioned here? I've revisited my connections, but I wasn't the one at fault!

Oh well, who cares!
If only I worried about what I wrote, I wouldn't write what I've written!

Parting and Meeting

2008-06-04T00:00:00.003-04:00
I wish I had a way with partings. I was never good with them. It doesn't matter I leave people and places or people leave me... it's just the same. Even people who are least important matter only during the parting time. I've parted physically as well as emotionally with tons and tons of people in the past some time. Surprisingly, I am not used to them even now. There's a favourite quotation: To meet and part is the way of life, to part and meet again is the hope of life.
For some, I have no regrets but happiness, for others I have no regrets but sadness prevails, and yet there are those others that dooms me to the highest level of regrets and sadness.

Anyway, with experiments comes learning, and with learning comes experience - if that makes any sense at all. With time comes the need to write all that you know, all that is there to say.

But somehow, there are times that do not allow you to say whatever you want to. There are things, that for your best, should be left unsaid. What and when is up to you to decide. I hereby decide to not to say something at this point of time. I choose, however, to say that I miss a lot of people. I miss the lovely warm moments that I have spent with a lot of people. I miss...

Can I choose to say that my voice trailed off at this point of time?

Trip to Central Island

2008-06-02T00:20:00.005-04:00

This was the place we were at over the last weekend. Centreville Island. There's a ferry that takes you down to the island from Toronto. It was thankfully a bright warm and sunny day. There's an amusement park on the island, tons of picnic spots. And yea, beaches on the meeting place of land and water.

A view of the Toronto City from amid the lovely island. The CN tower really stands out from everything else that constitutes Toronto.

Now, now, can you get a better picture than this? This was from the ferry on the way back to Toronto.

A view of the amazing beach on the island. The water was comfortably cold and the sand comfortingly warm. It was perfect.

Updates

2008-06-01T23:53:00.004-04:00
Monday, 2nd June 2008
12:00 a.m.

Long time!! I was out of a working laptop for almost a week now. And not to mention, was busy with guests as well. Have been having a blast over the weekends for some time now. Visiting just about anywhere and everywhere. But this past weekend was uneventful and quiet. No outings and really no where to go. Had to catch up with tons of chores to be done at home :) but i haven't accomplished much.

Have been reading Curious Lives by Richard Bach. Very cute. Also just started on "A Suitable Boy" by the renowned Vikram Seth.

By the way, there's something missing. It had been there. Always.

Song of the moment: Kyun chhod gaye raste, kabhi saath chale the jinpe - Atif Aslam

Introspection

2008-05-21T00:19:00.003-04:00
Mood of the moment: Very sad
Song of the moment: Lambi Judai (Jannat)

There are the sunny days and there are blue days. There are happy moments and then there are the dismal moments. Why does life have to be this topsy-turvy?

It is usually these moments of introspection that I do not like at all - specially now - I'd rather love to have a vacuum in my mind. Or is it the heart? Well, it doesn't matter. I need vacuum around me. I want to breathe in vacuum now... Plus, these introspections do not lead me to anywhere. I am where I was... Sickly soiled in the sandy areas of the quagmire dragging me, with each passing moment, deep into its center.

raat jab paas se guzarne lagi
subah ki toh ab bhi koi surat na dikhi
aye subah kab tak tarsaayegi mujhe
ke teri aahaton ka intezaar hai kab se..

woh sucha moti jo hatheli pe ja tika
ab woh bhi rehna chahta hai mehfooz
ke hui uski kadar na kahiin bhi
kis ke liye baar baar tu barasa karta hai..

Bluffers Park - 11 May 2008

2008-05-11T21:19:00.008-04:00

This was the place where I spent my weekend. Not as alone as I could have wanted to be, and not as accompanied as I would have wished to be.

It was colder than we thought it would be. Nevertheless, it didn't stop us from going near the scintillating waters of the Bluffers Park. The waves were serenading, and the wind was excited. Go take a look for urself!

The best part was the waves coming and hitting the rocks. And I was so close to the phenomenon - it often felt like the water from the wave would splash on me as well. I simply loved it.

I call to thee
Make me free
Free like thyself
Far from filth
Far from the corrupted crowd

I call to thee
Make me fresh
Like thyself
After injury on injury
From the unfeeling rocks

I wish...

Matches and matched thoughts!

2008-05-10T03:21:00.000-04:00
As I said earlier, the reason I made a comeback in blogging is Meiyang Chang's blog. I was reading this guy's ph-antastic blog, and came across this post

http://buddhasoliloques.blogspot.com/2006/10/shaadi-karwa-do.html

I am sure a lot of people of (about) my age are going to identify with Meiyang's thoughts in this post. Hell I mean, just as he says "As if we have nothing better to do in life!"

Anyway, certain things for us can never never change. I wish live and let live was a mandated rule in God's kingdom ;)

And yes, apologies phor the weird phantasy I am having these days oph typing an eph instead oph an eph and ph instead of a ph ;)

Lose Control!!

2008-05-10T01:58:00.000-04:00
Let life take its own course
Let it walk now
Stop holding its hands
It ain't a child any more -
It learns - from mistakes
It trips, but well, moves on
Lose control...

Feel the fresh morning dew
And watch the serene sunset
Experience the horizons
Of hopes and faraway futures
Lose control...

Want not and care not
For the world is a lot, yes lot
better otherwise
Love not and be loved not
For that's none but dangerous
Whatever it be, do not forget to
Lose control...

Let the tear drop fall
Let the pain walk out of life
Smile, reason or none
But over and above all
Lose control...

The Coffee Shop

2008-05-08T23:34:00.000-04:00
She had to work at this coffee shop whenever they had an extra slot to fill in. She really needed the money that she was making. It wasn't an inexpensive living there.

It was summer time and she was working a night shift. The clock was almost striking 15 minutes past 3 when Ken walked in. He was a regular at the coffee shop. They had a brief chit-chat for a few moments. Ken's forehead depicted those extra lines, typical of a worried mind.

"So what's up? Are you OK?"

"Umm... Oh... Yea. I am fine. I am fine. Just a very trying day."

"Oh". Meanwhile, she prepared his extra-large black coffee with two sugars. As he was paying his eyes welled up.

"I am sorry - I have no money to give you as tip today."

She smiled. "That's absolutely fine."

"The job market is pretty bad. People out there make you work more than what they pay you for, if you find a job that is. I have had to sleep in my car for the last one night, and I have no more money on me".

"Oh! I am very sorry to hear that. I hope things turn out to be better for you".

A long pause. A very silent tear. And finally words to shatter the silence.

"I feel very bad at having to ask you this, but would you happen to have a $20 bill? I promise to pay you back once I get money. This guy 2 blocks south of us has offered me a job, and I hope to get the money in a couple of days from now."

She just could not say no. "Oh! That's OK. If at all I can be of any help". She goes inside the small room that was meant for employees to keep their belongings and reached for her wallet.
Was he lying? Is he making it all up? Will he return her money ever? Is he tricking her? Will he ever come back to the coffee shop?
And not to forget, those were the queries of a bewildered thinking mind. Hers was a mind that was well trained to take over her decisions. But there were also those few times when her heart convinced her to overrule the decisions of her mind. Today was just one of those days.

Worse comes to worse, she would need three more hours of work to get those twenty dollars back. She had a job, and her employer wouldn't say no to her willingness to work for an extra three hours a week. She wasn't as much in need of the twenty dollar bill that was lying idle in the wallet in that small room at the moment.

Alright, so it was all decided. She grabbed the twenty bucks, went out and handed the bill to Ken. "It's OK. Things are going to get better soon. Do not lose hope. And keep the money till whenever you feel you are not in a position to return it".

His voice was breaking down - Kindness wasn't all kicked out of this world. "I cannot thank you enough. I will pay you back in two days from now, and if you aren't working, I will give it to whoever is working here". Saying that, he walked out of the coffee shop.

A week went by. She had begun to forget that she had given twenty dollars to some guy who seemed to be in need. She was still deciding whether it was strange that he hadn't returned to the coffee shop ever since, or was it so obvious for every one except her.

Anyway, the missing twenty bucks hadn't changed much in her life. Life continued as usual.

Business was booming at the coffee shop. The summer sun was on the verge of drowning and autumn was setting in. One day, as she went back to her usual job, her co-worker handed her $22 and a piece of paper. She was surprised, "What is this?"
"Oh! A tall guy with a strong build and a blondish beard came a couple of hours ago and told me to hand this to you. He said it was yours and left you this letter."

The letter read:

Hi There!
Hope life for you is as beautiful as your heart is. Thank you so much for the money that you lent a stranger in his times of need. I had ended up with a job in Winnipeg, and there was really no time to make you aware of my changed circumstances. I was in Toronto for a family affair, and thankfully, hadn't forgotten to repay you. And if the extra two dollars surprise you, it's the tip for the coffee that I got from you on the night of my supposed-doom. And for the light of hope that you lit around me. And for the most cheerful smile on the most needy day of my life.
Perhaps, your faith in the righteousness of your heart might have shook because of no news from me. I still hope that this letter of mine will find your faith in heart's decisions revived...
Lot's of prayers your way from a person who'd be in your debt forever...

I return

2008-05-08T22:43:00.000-04:00
I have decided to return to my love. You heard it! It was a very painful departure. It was a very lonely journey. And absolutely yes - I chose it. I chose to quit writing because I thought my words wouldn't be the same anymore. I want all that magic back now.

Believe it or not, but indirectly, Meiyang Chang - the very very cute contestant of the Indian Idol show is my inspiration for getting back to writing this time. I happened to visit his blog while doing a search for his new song. And his poetry somewhat reminded me of mine. He writes beautifully.

The bottom line is I am back.