D. It is written

I feel like writing; its been a very long time since i wrote last. After a long time, I'm feeling indifferent. I've always refrained from writing when sad, and been too busy to write when happy. Indifference, I like.
I've spent most of December with Shrey and Ashish, and some time with Satish. Now I am unable to construct sentences without swear words. This will change when school begins, and I interact with more members of the general population. Hope that happens soon..

Merry Christmas people! I have been too busy over the Christmas ... My holidays till now have passed faster than I had thought they would. Now, the speed has slowed down. I've had enough of TO by now :) . Very mean of me to say that, but well, it's just true... I am no longer excited for the coming New Year celebrations either... It is just going to be a regular day, which will fly by. I have reasons to be pissed off...

Apart from that, I had a great deal of fun on TO. I am almost ready for my next semester - charged up and all set to go back :).

Now that we're talking about New Year, it is but natural to talk about resolutions too. As I said somewhere last year, new year resolutions are like a fashion of the past. At least for me. I am past new year resolutions. I do not like to make them, and then break them anymore. Someplace just reminded me what I wrote on New Years last year ... "... I got to live once again"... And as the year 2008 is coming to an end, I've started doing that.

Looking back at 2008, I did not lose anything over this year, although I spent time repenting my losses. This year was a year of gains for me. Nothing more I could have asked, nothing more could I have done to make my life better. There have been downs, and a lot many ups... I am thankful to God for making the year 2008 a good year for me. It lacked nothing, absolutely nothing...

And finally talking about a new me, as RC, SB, SK wanted to see, I have changed, somewhat... I think they'll vouch for it too :). There have been some positive and some negative changes as well. But it's ok, I do not have any regrets :)

The year 2009 - I haven't thought about it, because I do not want to. I do not what to want and expect out of it. End of story.

That my friends, again is my story :) Happy New Year to all! May the coming year shower you with all the very best that life has to offer you :) God bless!!

Express it!!

General observation has led me to believe that it is easier for guys to express their feelings than girls. Be it Bollywood movies or real life, it is the same. Can anyone please help me understand the reason behind this? And yes, I am not talking about crying here :P ... Girls definitely hold the first place in that :).

I am talking in more general terms. Gentlemen find it easy to speak up their mind (or heart), but ladies do not. I think gentlemen reading my blog are not going to be of the same opinion as me. I would really like to know peoples' take on this topic!

Longgg time!!

I have been missing for the longest time now! And where have I been? In a world where all that I literally saw was a bunch of assignments, papers, presentations and exams... It sure is a crazy world! CRAZZZZZZZZZY!!
And finally, I am done with my first semester. Can you believe it? It has been a huge change in my life. And positive one at that. Yes, there are days when I go without food :) but I guess it's all good! There are days when I choose between cooking and working, and between sleeping and working. My health hasn't been fine for the longest time either, but I guess it's still all good! And I am luvin' it. I am all set to go home, take a month long break, and hopefully come back revived and refreshed. I really hope my trip home doesn't have any surprises, if you know what I mean! ;)
And the new year is fast approaching as well. 2008 wasn't necessarily a bad year for me. It wasn't. Part of it was, but overall, there have been worst times I can say. I've taken my time to do my part of learning. I am now taking time to do things I want to do, before life starts sucking again :)
A list of stuff is awaiting my attention before I leave for home - from laundry to cleaning to returning library books to filling some crucial number of forms to talking to my supervisor to filing claims to.... urghhh - it is stuff that hasn't been taken care of for more than a month now; I guess I need a to-do-list and start crossing items I need to get done one by one.
I haven't blogged for the longest time either. Call it lack of time, or some contribution of laziness, it will both be true. There were times when I had an urgent need to blog. There were times when I wrote stuff to post it, but haven't done so. My walks, although became infrequent, were still very much not affected by the cold whether (was due to the workload). I feel the need to walk, and Ottawa's cold weather still hasn't come in the way! Oh well, it's not even half as cold as Ottawa gets. It's decent - negative 7 is how far it is as of now and has just snowed two times till now. Ottawa's like my boyfriend - I am always praising it, regardless of the downsides =). Talking about downsides, well there's funnily none! I miss my friends in Toronto, and I miss home. I miss telling my family that my health has not been good and I miss their care, but Ottawa does seem to cover it all up!!
The Mumbai massacre left me in pieces, as it did to a humongous lot of people. And not surprisingly, I got emails about people taking pride in the "spirit of Mumbai" to move on. And about signing some form. Tons of questions I am sure walked around, some answered, some responded to with mugged answers, some, or most, left unanswered in a hope that they will soon drown and die out, as have numerous other questions overtime. It is sadly pathetic. A very bizarre thought comes to my mind - how come the extremely brainless lot of people are ALL being born in the Indian sub-continent? It's disastrous. The everyday humdrum doesn't however, come to a complete hault. Yes, Mumbai has to move on.
That, I guess is it about me! Wasn't that a potpourri? And ppl, I haven't heard from a lot many of you for the longest time as well. Please do tell me how life's been with you all :-).

False my life
False is the strife

False my action
False is the reaction

False my want
False is the wont

False my love
False The One above?


P.S.: No I do not doubt The One. Not again, yet! The question is for you :)

A peek at the University Campus

OK, that is the most beautiful part of my University!! It's sad that the winter's approaching so soon... How does it look?

I just love the sonance of flowing waters...

Ottawa's given me enormous opportunities to get the most beautiful pictures in the world, and to be able to enjoy these scenic views... I am in love again!!

Wait, don't think too much - I am in love with Ottawa :) :) :)

Love me, love me not?

Love me, love me not?
I am but mind with a fear besought...

Love me, love me not?
I am but a heart that's distraught...

Love me, love me not?
I am but a gently fading illusion...

Love me, love me not?
I am but the burnt wick of the torch...

Colors

One of the many magnanimous shades of the fall. I got this picture from a transit station. Fall presents the prettiest, if not the most liveliest shades.



As the autumn is drawing to an end, I am guessing these are all the "colors" of fall that I could gather :(. I have some more pics, but they aren't really nice. I wanted to have a post full of the different colors I saw in this fall. But anyway, as a bonus :) check these ones out -

Could you possibly count the number of colors these pics have?


Yes, these are very much clicked pictures, and have been taken by a friend of mine.

It's almost time for the winter to step in graciously. And from now on, all you'll get to see are white pictures on my blog :). It's going to white very soon!

Winter Sun

Spread the warmth in my life
The winter sun.
Smile, for that blesses me
Smile, for I need to smile too.

Come, let's walk together
Come, take me, take me away
To a land where
Sunshine is the only way

Missed you have been, winter sun
For the icy pathways of life
And the chilly winds alone
Have had me numbly frozen

The Echo

Song of the moment: Shaam se aankh mein nami si hai

It was like the dust was scratched off the top of the trunk of memories to reveal the lock; it all came back like the dark cloud from the Pandora's box. It's been a year. One goddamn year, can you believe it. It is strange how everything including the pain comes alive the moment you start talking about something. And it wasn't passive this time. As well. I am so amazed at myself for being yet so under the influence. 

And apart from the opening of the memory box, I am getting to hear extremely familiar phrases: 

"...kitni vehli ho"

"...sharam naam ki toh koi cheez hi nahi hai"

"...nakhre hi bahut hain"

Do you know what that means? I haven't changed! I am partly happy about it, but partly sad as well... I do not want to be me anymore... I want the me to disappear behind a smiling face forever to not to be able to be reminded myself about me... 

Song of this moment: Maine dil se kaha dhoond laana khushi... 

Zindagi (Life)

Kal ki hi sab baat lagti hai jab
Zindagi thi, mai zinda tha tab

Kisi ki muskurahaton se hi
Zindagi thi, mai muskurata tha tab

Kal hi tanhai mei yaad ayee jo, woh
Zindagi thi, mai aabaad tha tab

Woh saath-saath mei chalti hui
Zindagi thi, mai zinda tha tab

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all seems like yesterday when
Life existed, I was alive then

Someone's smile was the reason
Life existed, I used to smile then

Yesterday, the memory in the solitude
Was life, I used to be befriended then

What used to walk along with me
Was life, I was alive then

The Zahir

I just finished reading "The Zahir" by Paulo Coelho on Adi's recommendation. And I now do know why you recommended me that book Adi. I can identify with each and every word written in the book. I mean it is a very strange coincidence - did Coelho write it for me, for I have the exact same questions as he does? Is Coelho the hero, or is Coelho me? No, well, the novel is written for the likes of me, and for the likes of him. It ended up telling me exactly why my Zahir wasn't disappearing from my life, and what I could possibly do to make it disappear. I have realized that it feels like exactly how I was feeling for what seems to be forever, when the life is occupied by something more correctly referred to as obsession, and when the Zahir takes over every moment and every space of your life. Zahir, the word in itself means "clearly visible". As Coelho explains in the beginning of his book:

Zahir, in Arabic, means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It is someone or something which, once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else. This can be considered either a state of holiness or of madness.

It did not take me quite a lot of effort to understand the Zahir. It did not take me quite a lot of effort to understand what I needed to do. What is taking a lot of effort was to understand how a person who talked about the freedom to follow our dreams could think of things like being affected by what people would think about him. Yes it is humane, but what his books refer to is not humane. You have to be above humans, or at least decide to go against the crowd. And if you decide to do so, why would you care in the least as to what people think - they would already think you are mad enough! Or is it that it wasn't him - it was one of his characters who was being bothered by the Zahir. I do strive to write sometimes, and I know that what a writer does is manipulates most of her own life and experiences and of those around her to come up with a breathtaking work of non-fiction. And if that is how The Zahir is born, I find it very hard to understand that the author and the lead character of the story is the very same, extremely humane person.

Apart from the confusion, The Zahir is an extremely engaging novel, something that I could not get my eyes off from ever since I started reading it. It teaches you to realize that there's stuff that holds you back, that prevents you from moving on, it teaches how everyone of us is capable of leaving our "personal history" behind, at the same time carrying with us just a story. It teaches you how love is not meant to be possessed, and how distance at times, is important to be able to rediscover love. It talks about the love minus humanism... I have no problems agreeing to the rupture of a variety of social taboos in the book. And I have no problems identifying with "sects". People in his novel are usually able to find people from whom they could "learn", if you know what I mean. Where can I find such a guru? Or such a sect? Why does it never happen to me that people talk to me about that Energy? or The Lady? or the numerous different ways of becoming closer to the One?
Perhaps it will be a while before I portray one of his characters in his book - remember, I hope to be free someday!

On the Walk - II

Ego

The "I" consumes a lot more space in our lives than it should. Yes, I always say that happiness is what "I" want, and that still holds. But the ego is the darker side of I, and it comes into existence because of the ways of the world. A free world would be one in which there are no expectations of anyone. But our world doesn't fit into that definition.

How does expectation have anything to do with ego even remotely?

The way it works is this: Part of the life involves creating contacts - and there are some that are God-given - as we are "social animals". We do favours, and as a return, expect from people. It's very humane to expect for what we've done, although that's not what is right, even on accounts of declaring this act as humane. When the expectation is not fulfilled, there comes a time when my ego comes in, and I stop doing my part. There comes a time when I am so used to getting favours done for me, that I forget to do my part - assuming that I have all the right in the world to be treated in the kingly manner.

I also mentioned "the ways of the world" previously. The ways of the world have created tasks*, and have created certain people to be able to perform those tasks. If a man gets to think that a task is just not meant for him to do, there's nothing that you can do to get the man to accomplish the task, except try to break his ego.

There's also another reason for ego, which I haven't been able to figure out yet. A type of ego that couldn't be explained by either expectations or tasks... If any one can shed some light on another reason, it would be great...

And very funnily, the amount of ego differs between men and women - being so much more in men than in women. Women can forget it for a bit, but men will never do so. Men's pride** is their ego; it cannot be shattered by any living entity. The reason, for the difference, is probably a God's mistake in creation, and acts as another ingredient to the recipe of inequality-of-men-and-women... There's nothing for me to state as a possible reason for the difference.


Footnotes:

*Tasks here are not symbolic of the physical tasks. They' can be a word representing just about any activity, any possible verb.

**Pride is the end result of ego - an ego that swells so much that a person disrupts all contacts with realities, and creates a world of his own - he's the creator and the sole resident of his proud world.

Hidden Treasure

I just read "The Little Prince" written by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, and there are some beautiful thoughts in the novel. Here, I am listing some words that I really loved while reading:


Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.


And, with perhaps a hint of sadness, he added: "Straight ahead of him, nobody can go very far..."


If you were to say to the grown-ups: "I saw a beautiful house made of rosy brick, with geraniums in the windows and doves on the roof," they would not be able to get any idea of that house at all. You would have to say to them: "I saw a house that cost $20,000." Then they would exclaim: "Oh, what a pretty house that is!"


"You know- one loves the sunset, when one is so sad..."


It is such a secret place, the land of tears.


"... Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her..."


"The grown-ups are certainly very, very odd," he said to himself, as he continued on his journey.


"Where are the men?"... "It is a little lonely in the desert..."
"It is also lonely among men," the snake said.


"... Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."


"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."


"Only the children know what they are looking for," said the little prince. "They waste their time over a rag doll and it becomes very important to them; and if anybody takes it away from them, they cry..."


"The desert is beautiful," the little prince added.
And that was true. I have always loved the desert. One sits down on a desert sand dune, sees nothing, hears nothing. Yet through the silence something throbs, and gleams...
"What makes the desert beautiful," said the little prince, "is that somewhere it hides a well... "

On the Walk - I

Decisions

Decisions essentially depend on three factors in a non-ideal* world:

• The long term effect of the decision
• The number of people affected by the decision, and the intimacy** level with them
  
• The pros and cons weighed in a decision-balance***

One factor may be the dominating one depending on the circumstances. So the formula is finding the most dominating factor, and then analyzing accordingly. Simple, eh?

Confusion in decisions exist if the decision is really small or if it is a really big one. You'll mostly be fine for medium sized decisions. Think about it!


Footnotes:

*In an ideal world, a decision depends on one thing only - what is it that you want to do?
**Intimacy level with a person is a mixture of closeness to the person, the amount you care about the person, how much would it take to hurt the person.
***A decision-balance, is pretty much a beam balance, in which you place the pros of a decision in one pan and cons of the decision in the other pan. The side that is heavy would essentially make more sense.