Colors

One of the many magnanimous shades of the fall. I got this picture from a transit station. Fall presents the prettiest, if not the most liveliest shades.



As the autumn is drawing to an end, I am guessing these are all the "colors" of fall that I could gather :(. I have some more pics, but they aren't really nice. I wanted to have a post full of the different colors I saw in this fall. But anyway, as a bonus :) check these ones out -

Could you possibly count the number of colors these pics have?


Yes, these are very much clicked pictures, and have been taken by a friend of mine.

It's almost time for the winter to step in graciously. And from now on, all you'll get to see are white pictures on my blog :). It's going to white very soon!

Winter Sun

Spread the warmth in my life
The winter sun.
Smile, for that blesses me
Smile, for I need to smile too.

Come, let's walk together
Come, take me, take me away
To a land where
Sunshine is the only way

Missed you have been, winter sun
For the icy pathways of life
And the chilly winds alone
Have had me numbly frozen

The Echo

Song of the moment: Shaam se aankh mein nami si hai

It was like the dust was scratched off the top of the trunk of memories to reveal the lock; it all came back like the dark cloud from the Pandora's box. It's been a year. One goddamn year, can you believe it. It is strange how everything including the pain comes alive the moment you start talking about something. And it wasn't passive this time. As well. I am so amazed at myself for being yet so under the influence. 

And apart from the opening of the memory box, I am getting to hear extremely familiar phrases: 

"...kitni vehli ho"

"...sharam naam ki toh koi cheez hi nahi hai"

"...nakhre hi bahut hain"

Do you know what that means? I haven't changed! I am partly happy about it, but partly sad as well... I do not want to be me anymore... I want the me to disappear behind a smiling face forever to not to be able to be reminded myself about me... 

Song of this moment: Maine dil se kaha dhoond laana khushi... 

Zindagi (Life)

Kal ki hi sab baat lagti hai jab
Zindagi thi, mai zinda tha tab

Kisi ki muskurahaton se hi
Zindagi thi, mai muskurata tha tab

Kal hi tanhai mei yaad ayee jo, woh
Zindagi thi, mai aabaad tha tab

Woh saath-saath mei chalti hui
Zindagi thi, mai zinda tha tab

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all seems like yesterday when
Life existed, I was alive then

Someone's smile was the reason
Life existed, I used to smile then

Yesterday, the memory in the solitude
Was life, I used to be befriended then

What used to walk along with me
Was life, I was alive then

The Zahir

I just finished reading "The Zahir" by Paulo Coelho on Adi's recommendation. And I now do know why you recommended me that book Adi. I can identify with each and every word written in the book. I mean it is a very strange coincidence - did Coelho write it for me, for I have the exact same questions as he does? Is Coelho the hero, or is Coelho me? No, well, the novel is written for the likes of me, and for the likes of him. It ended up telling me exactly why my Zahir wasn't disappearing from my life, and what I could possibly do to make it disappear. I have realized that it feels like exactly how I was feeling for what seems to be forever, when the life is occupied by something more correctly referred to as obsession, and when the Zahir takes over every moment and every space of your life. Zahir, the word in itself means "clearly visible". As Coelho explains in the beginning of his book:

Zahir, in Arabic, means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It is someone or something which, once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else. This can be considered either a state of holiness or of madness.

It did not take me quite a lot of effort to understand the Zahir. It did not take me quite a lot of effort to understand what I needed to do. What is taking a lot of effort was to understand how a person who talked about the freedom to follow our dreams could think of things like being affected by what people would think about him. Yes it is humane, but what his books refer to is not humane. You have to be above humans, or at least decide to go against the crowd. And if you decide to do so, why would you care in the least as to what people think - they would already think you are mad enough! Or is it that it wasn't him - it was one of his characters who was being bothered by the Zahir. I do strive to write sometimes, and I know that what a writer does is manipulates most of her own life and experiences and of those around her to come up with a breathtaking work of non-fiction. And if that is how The Zahir is born, I find it very hard to understand that the author and the lead character of the story is the very same, extremely humane person.

Apart from the confusion, The Zahir is an extremely engaging novel, something that I could not get my eyes off from ever since I started reading it. It teaches you to realize that there's stuff that holds you back, that prevents you from moving on, it teaches how everyone of us is capable of leaving our "personal history" behind, at the same time carrying with us just a story. It teaches you how love is not meant to be possessed, and how distance at times, is important to be able to rediscover love. It talks about the love minus humanism... I have no problems agreeing to the rupture of a variety of social taboos in the book. And I have no problems identifying with "sects". People in his novel are usually able to find people from whom they could "learn", if you know what I mean. Where can I find such a guru? Or such a sect? Why does it never happen to me that people talk to me about that Energy? or The Lady? or the numerous different ways of becoming closer to the One?
Perhaps it will be a while before I portray one of his characters in his book - remember, I hope to be free someday!

On the Walk - II

Ego

The "I" consumes a lot more space in our lives than it should. Yes, I always say that happiness is what "I" want, and that still holds. But the ego is the darker side of I, and it comes into existence because of the ways of the world. A free world would be one in which there are no expectations of anyone. But our world doesn't fit into that definition.

How does expectation have anything to do with ego even remotely?

The way it works is this: Part of the life involves creating contacts - and there are some that are God-given - as we are "social animals". We do favours, and as a return, expect from people. It's very humane to expect for what we've done, although that's not what is right, even on accounts of declaring this act as humane. When the expectation is not fulfilled, there comes a time when my ego comes in, and I stop doing my part. There comes a time when I am so used to getting favours done for me, that I forget to do my part - assuming that I have all the right in the world to be treated in the kingly manner.

I also mentioned "the ways of the world" previously. The ways of the world have created tasks*, and have created certain people to be able to perform those tasks. If a man gets to think that a task is just not meant for him to do, there's nothing that you can do to get the man to accomplish the task, except try to break his ego.

There's also another reason for ego, which I haven't been able to figure out yet. A type of ego that couldn't be explained by either expectations or tasks... If any one can shed some light on another reason, it would be great...

And very funnily, the amount of ego differs between men and women - being so much more in men than in women. Women can forget it for a bit, but men will never do so. Men's pride** is their ego; it cannot be shattered by any living entity. The reason, for the difference, is probably a God's mistake in creation, and acts as another ingredient to the recipe of inequality-of-men-and-women... There's nothing for me to state as a possible reason for the difference.


Footnotes:

*Tasks here are not symbolic of the physical tasks. They' can be a word representing just about any activity, any possible verb.

**Pride is the end result of ego - an ego that swells so much that a person disrupts all contacts with realities, and creates a world of his own - he's the creator and the sole resident of his proud world.

Hidden Treasure

I just read "The Little Prince" written by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, and there are some beautiful thoughts in the novel. Here, I am listing some words that I really loved while reading:


Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.


And, with perhaps a hint of sadness, he added: "Straight ahead of him, nobody can go very far..."


If you were to say to the grown-ups: "I saw a beautiful house made of rosy brick, with geraniums in the windows and doves on the roof," they would not be able to get any idea of that house at all. You would have to say to them: "I saw a house that cost $20,000." Then they would exclaim: "Oh, what a pretty house that is!"


"You know- one loves the sunset, when one is so sad..."


It is such a secret place, the land of tears.


"... Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her..."


"The grown-ups are certainly very, very odd," he said to himself, as he continued on his journey.


"Where are the men?"... "It is a little lonely in the desert..."
"It is also lonely among men," the snake said.


"... Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."


"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."


"Only the children know what they are looking for," said the little prince. "They waste their time over a rag doll and it becomes very important to them; and if anybody takes it away from them, they cry..."


"The desert is beautiful," the little prince added.
And that was true. I have always loved the desert. One sits down on a desert sand dune, sees nothing, hears nothing. Yet through the silence something throbs, and gleams...
"What makes the desert beautiful," said the little prince, "is that somewhere it hides a well... "

On the Walk - I

Decisions

Decisions essentially depend on three factors in a non-ideal* world:

• The long term effect of the decision
• The number of people affected by the decision, and the intimacy** level with them
  
• The pros and cons weighed in a decision-balance***

One factor may be the dominating one depending on the circumstances. So the formula is finding the most dominating factor, and then analyzing accordingly. Simple, eh?

Confusion in decisions exist if the decision is really small or if it is a really big one. You'll mostly be fine for medium sized decisions. Think about it!


Footnotes:

*In an ideal world, a decision depends on one thing only - what is it that you want to do?
**Intimacy level with a person is a mixture of closeness to the person, the amount you care about the person, how much would it take to hurt the person.
***A decision-balance, is pretty much a beam balance, in which you place the pros of a decision in one pan and cons of the decision in the other pan. The side that is heavy would essentially make more sense.

On the Walk

It has become customary for me to go for a quiet walk on weekends when I am home. It de-stresses me, makes my lungs and body feel healthier, and ready for the week ahead. There's something in the air of Ottawa that reminds me of Dalhousie, India so much. It's such a similar fresh winter smell. It's the smell of the cold mixed with the smell of autumn leaves mixed with the smell of burnt wood smoke. And I love the amount of cold it is at the moment. And I love these walks.

I realized there's something that I am thinking during that walk, and have decided to try penning it down... as a series!! Let's see how far it goes (the winter's pretty close, so I do doubt it will not be a long series) :)!

The day that was...

And that day was really special. More special than what she had wanted it to be, more special because everything was so unexpected. It was the day that marked her arrival into this world, and every year but this she was extremely excited about it. This year the day was also to be "celebrated" as an anniversary. She had decided she would forgive everyone who forgot her birthday and wanted the minimum number of wishes possible - just because some of them are unavoidable. Despite no publicity and despite no want for wishes, she was actually very glad that people who meant a lot to her wished her.
Did she make a list of people who wished her? Yes! That was custom to count the number of wishes she got on her birthday. That was 39 sans belated and early wishes. Sure the number isn't even close to comparing to the erstwhile birthdays, but well, that's a biggg number for this time.
What made her more glad was that oh-not-so-close people wished her as well. And to top it all, some people she knew for just a couple of months arranged a surprise birthday. The surprise did pleasantly shock her, and it showed on her face. She is extremely thankful to these bunch of people for everything - from wishing her, to convincing her to come to the Dandiya/Garba so she doesn't feel alone, to organizing the surprise cake, above all, for making her forget her "birthday woes" entirely! She hadn't danced as much on any of her previous birthdays, nor had she ever been confronted with such a wonderful surprise.
Along side all the nice things that were happening, she was waiting. And hoping! She watched the clock strike 12 and after 24 hours she saw the clock strike 12 again. Can you believe it? The hope doesn't leave her side usually. And that does hurt at times. At times such as these. When it is more than evident that the wait is not going to be fruitful. And guess what? It wasn't fruitful. Why should it be? After all I am the bedard, ya?