Expression...

Not until lately have I understood the importance of expressing. It is important to express your confidence and knowledge in an interview. It is equally important to tell someone you love how much you love them. Actions speak as well, and words do so too. Don't be like the Suri Jee of Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi and assume that your Taani ji would know how much you love her. On a side note I think it would have been perfectly fair for Taani if she chose to go away with her Raj partner. Telling and doing something for someone you love makes them feel really special. It's an on-top-of-the-world feeling, and I don't think that there is a reason why the feeling shouldn't be conferred upon the one you love...
I don't mean I have to be told everytime that I am being loved... it's easy to see when there's something to see...
There's a peculiar kind of satisfaction that one gets by doing something for someone they love. I am writing on this topic after a long time I think... too early? too late? should i? should i not? oh well! life's a weird mystery isn't it? and love takes the top spot in the list..

Revision...

• The games of the One really are very tricky. He makes sure you learn. He makes sure you remember your lessons. He makes sure He is remembered. He makes sure you never figure out if really everything happens for a reason, and if it does, what is the reason behind a certain happening.
• Things that happen are bound to happen.
• Not all losses are permanent. A minority of losses are permanent.
• You can always find something to be happy about or sad about, really depending on the kind of person you are.
• Moments of sorrow last way longer than relatively the same length moments of happiness.
• It is important to know what you are punished for, to realize your mistake.
• You do not feel the pain as much if you are not the victim.
• People are born to do masala-talking.
• The left hand side and the right hand side of life do not always balance in the end for anyone.
• Luck is a big factor.
• I'll know what I have only after I lose it.

Some things I've always known… just a quick recap is needed at times :) He does make sure the revisions are timely!

Random blah

Everything moves on, they say, with time. And what doesn't move on dies.
And I haven't entirely died. However, certain things do not die, and do not move on either. It's the nature of memories I believe. They do their task - come. I do mine - relive them and die with them.

There's not much I want to say.
Should I? Should I not?
Is it right? Is it not?
Is it needed? Is it not?
Is it expected? Is it not?
Is it wished for? Is it not?
Is it understood? Is it not?
Should I? Should I not?

Songs of these moments:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeypOvsY91Q
http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=7E1xbX-QSGY

... and counting!

nth number of days since a particular event happened... umpteen number of days for a particular something to happen ... and today is the day when a certain something happened or when I am supposed to do a certain something...

I don't think the counting and tracking ever stops! And I am tired of it! Why am I unable to live 7th January 2009 as 7th January 2009 instead of as 7th January? Why am I unable to realize that 7th January 2009 doesn't exist in history, and that nothing of the past needs to celebrate its anniversary today... Is it the same with everyone :) ?

One day at a time is how anyone should live. There's no future that we are sure about. There's no past that we can hold on to and live. Intangible is the word, my friend!

Someone asked me today, HOW can you bear to hangout with Mr. X!!! And I was reminded of a very old and extremely favorite quotation of mine: Life is too short to love, I wonder how people find time to hate... This, somehow, doesn't go with the flow of what I was saying. However, I put this down to be reminded about this one-time-favorite quote of mine and to incorporate it into my life once more - to not to spend time hating, to live my one day at a time loving :).

I love you people. You all are very special in my life in the date of 7th January 2009. Do not leave me. Do not leave me counting... x days since u been gone, y days since we talked, z days since it's your birthday again and I do not know what to do... Thanks for being a wonderful part of my life, and for being there for me.

Hum hain raahi pyaar ke, phir milenge chalte chalte!!!

On the Walk - II

Ego

The "I" consumes a lot more space in our lives than it should. Yes, I always say that happiness is what "I" want, and that still holds. But the ego is the darker side of I, and it comes into existence because of the ways of the world. A free world would be one in which there are no expectations of anyone. But our world doesn't fit into that definition.

How does expectation have anything to do with ego even remotely?

The way it works is this: Part of the life involves creating contacts - and there are some that are God-given - as we are "social animals". We do favours, and as a return, expect from people. It's very humane to expect for what we've done, although that's not what is right, even on accounts of declaring this act as humane. When the expectation is not fulfilled, there comes a time when my ego comes in, and I stop doing my part. There comes a time when I am so used to getting favours done for me, that I forget to do my part - assuming that I have all the right in the world to be treated in the kingly manner.

I also mentioned "the ways of the world" previously. The ways of the world have created tasks*, and have created certain people to be able to perform those tasks. If a man gets to think that a task is just not meant for him to do, there's nothing that you can do to get the man to accomplish the task, except try to break his ego.

There's also another reason for ego, which I haven't been able to figure out yet. A type of ego that couldn't be explained by either expectations or tasks... If any one can shed some light on another reason, it would be great...

And very funnily, the amount of ego differs between men and women - being so much more in men than in women. Women can forget it for a bit, but men will never do so. Men's pride** is their ego; it cannot be shattered by any living entity. The reason, for the difference, is probably a God's mistake in creation, and acts as another ingredient to the recipe of inequality-of-men-and-women... There's nothing for me to state as a possible reason for the difference.


Footnotes:

*Tasks here are not symbolic of the physical tasks. They' can be a word representing just about any activity, any possible verb.

**Pride is the end result of ego - an ego that swells so much that a person disrupts all contacts with realities, and creates a world of his own - he's the creator and the sole resident of his proud world.

Hidden Treasure

I just read "The Little Prince" written by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, and there are some beautiful thoughts in the novel. Here, I am listing some words that I really loved while reading:


Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.


And, with perhaps a hint of sadness, he added: "Straight ahead of him, nobody can go very far..."


If you were to say to the grown-ups: "I saw a beautiful house made of rosy brick, with geraniums in the windows and doves on the roof," they would not be able to get any idea of that house at all. You would have to say to them: "I saw a house that cost $20,000." Then they would exclaim: "Oh, what a pretty house that is!"


"You know- one loves the sunset, when one is so sad..."


It is such a secret place, the land of tears.


"... Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her..."


"The grown-ups are certainly very, very odd," he said to himself, as he continued on his journey.


"Where are the men?"... "It is a little lonely in the desert..."
"It is also lonely among men," the snake said.


"... Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."


"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."


"Only the children know what they are looking for," said the little prince. "They waste their time over a rag doll and it becomes very important to them; and if anybody takes it away from them, they cry..."


"The desert is beautiful," the little prince added.
And that was true. I have always loved the desert. One sits down on a desert sand dune, sees nothing, hears nothing. Yet through the silence something throbs, and gleams...
"What makes the desert beautiful," said the little prince, "is that somewhere it hides a well... "

On the Walk - I

Decisions

Decisions essentially depend on three factors in a non-ideal* world:

• The long term effect of the decision
• The number of people affected by the decision, and the intimacy** level with them
  
• The pros and cons weighed in a decision-balance***

One factor may be the dominating one depending on the circumstances. So the formula is finding the most dominating factor, and then analyzing accordingly. Simple, eh?

Confusion in decisions exist if the decision is really small or if it is a really big one. You'll mostly be fine for medium sized decisions. Think about it!


Footnotes:

*In an ideal world, a decision depends on one thing only - what is it that you want to do?
**Intimacy level with a person is a mixture of closeness to the person, the amount you care about the person, how much would it take to hurt the person.
***A decision-balance, is pretty much a beam balance, in which you place the pros of a decision in one pan and cons of the decision in the other pan. The side that is heavy would essentially make more sense.

On the Walk

It has become customary for me to go for a quiet walk on weekends when I am home. It de-stresses me, makes my lungs and body feel healthier, and ready for the week ahead. There's something in the air of Ottawa that reminds me of Dalhousie, India so much. It's such a similar fresh winter smell. It's the smell of the cold mixed with the smell of autumn leaves mixed with the smell of burnt wood smoke. And I love the amount of cold it is at the moment. And I love these walks.

I realized there's something that I am thinking during that walk, and have decided to try penning it down... as a series!! Let's see how far it goes (the winter's pretty close, so I do doubt it will not be a long series) :)!

Freedom

It is pathetic that, we, the inhabitants of this world, complain about not being free, where we are the ones who cover ourselves behind layers and layers of bondage, and continue to be bound... As I always say, we can, most often than not, choose. We choose worldly responsibilities, societal norms, over what's more important ... and as a result, suffer restraint. Sadly, I am one of this world as well...

It does not count whether the blue colored dress suits me more than the pink one; it doesn't matter what my neighbour would think if I have children that do not get married at "the right age"; it doesn't matter whether I loved and lost, or whether I loved again; it doesn't matter whether I cleared the GMAT test because my mum wanted me to. All that matters in this world is - AM I HAPPY DOING WHAT I AM?

Don't do unto others what you want them to do to you. STOP expecting. Do unto others entirely as you want to do with them. The book Illusions by Richard Bach gives a beautiful, very beautiful example of this. I'd recommend this book for anyone who's really looking at breaking free.

Another powerful and extremely well done book about following what you need to do most is The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho.

But I will be free, someday.

I strive for the day I would be free,
With not a soul to answer
With not a question in mind
With no hunger for love
And with no reasons, no pain

I will be the answer, the enigma
I will be free, someday

Incomplete

A bird without a nest
A success without a test

A glass without water
A talk without laughter

A symbol without a meaning
A magic show without cheating

Ah! what a paired world
And what a symmetric existence...

After effects

Everything in this world has after-effects. Think about the after-effects of anti-aging creams to nuclear bombs to pregnancy to love.

Let's leave the after effects of anti-aging creams, nuclear bombs and pregnancy for the more eligible class of scientists to explore and prove...

I am just going to take a plunge into the after effects of the non-scientific thing - love.

Pyaar ke Side-Effects toh dekhi hi hogi. So, besides that, well, the first serious after-effect of love is expectation. The world is witness to the fact that expectations in love are the basic cause for a majority of blunders in love.

The second serious after-effect of love is that the love-birds fail to keep track of their friends... Friends cease to exist - friends are no longer inhabitants of the lovers' superior planet.

The third serious after-effect of love is comparison. The comparison can be between times gone by, and the present; or between someone else's lover and your own.

And of course, there is the "heart-break" part of love. Govinda rightly said, "Oye Raju, pyaar na kariyo... dil toot jaata hai". People deal differently with heart-breaks. There are people, who WANT to cry for their entire life, and not think of the future, of their friends' and family's happiness... I use the word "want" because humans are made of a very strong and powerful material. They have the ability to choose what to do with themselves. They can either choose to drown in self-pity or can choose various ways to come out of situations. They can choose to forgive and forget, or remember and regret... Yes, sometimes we do not have a choice, but we pretty much know whether the choice is there for us to make or not. And as if to continue the train of thoughts forward, it appears that heart-breaks themselves have a history of after-effects. I am not willing to get to them at this point of time.

But remember, choose... Choose on the basis of reasons. It's like putting the fors and againsts on a beam balance and weighing them, and seeing which side of reasoning is heavier... Well, at least, that is how I do it. And I think it helps...

We, more often than not, have a choice.

Man and Wife

And now I pronounce thee Man and Wife.

Thus begins the endless saga of expectations, devastations, frustrations and adjustments. Thus begins the tale of a man who expects his wife to cook and clean everyday for him, and for his children some years down the road, and thus begins the tale of a woman who has to give in to her man's (reasonable or unreasonable) demands, and who has to sacrifice and get subdued, who has to be the quick-fix of the relationship, and who will be responsible for everything that goes wrong, always.

Why is the system so deeply infected by the so called male-dominance? Why does the woman have to be sober enough to give in to her demands and feelings, and always do what the man wants to get done? Why is the woman too much caring and feeling for others and why is it not a man's duty as well to understand and accept his lady's wants sometimes? And men have to act haughtily should the lady choose to dictate her will, and that too, as a suggestion!

What we like to say, on the one hand is that in today's world, both genders are treated equal. But sad as I am when I have to say it, it still remains true - that is not the case. Can you drill down to the expectations that you have for your life partner, if I may say, to see where the difference is. On the other hand, we like to say that it's impossible to survive without the other. It shouldn't be called surviving. It should be called sacrificing because that is what it really is. I hate words depicting deceit.

Shifting gears

"Life is not a movie... Good guys loose.. True love doesn't win... And love does not conquer all...."

LOL! A reflection? A mirror image? A shadowed thought? An identification? And have all words been said there?

And yes, I meant to portray sarcasm in my laugh... is it the same-sun-sign effect? can't be, can it? who knows... or is it the jinx, that RA's been talking about these days? Or the rahu-ketu effect that Shrey's talked about?

but regardless, i feel pity and i wished i was worth more... and that i was able to help somehow. As a matter of fact I know little about the root cause...

Life is about choices and preferences. An optimist is a person with a blindfold on her eyes... A pessimist is a courageous man who has the guts to say the truth of life... And to quote someone who's been added to the list of nice-ppl-i-know, "Hope is certainly not the last thing that comes out of a man!"

And yet, the foolish optimist people like to go on believing on the wonders of hope...

I am missing people

I do not want to go to work tomorrow - nothing unusual about that. I am feeling low - nothing unusual about that too. I am missing tons of people in my life, at this very same moment. I do not think I wish to name all of them.

I so wish to talk to old friends, get in touch with them, find out what waters they are sailing in... I am not doing so for the fear of being questioned... "How's life treating you?"
Well... Period.

It is the awkwardness of that period and the silence after that period that seizes my want.

It's a lonely life, they tell me. And they tell me the truth. Can I bear the weight of loneliness on my frail shoulders? Time, someday, will tell. It's a long life, they tell me, no one can travel the journey alone. I do see a satire, a pun, an irony in there! There are two things - with and without, with referring to not lonely, without referring to lonely.

Rahul, Satish and Shaks are gone as well... Shr isn't here either. Someday, I will not be here too.

us musafir se poocha tha maine
jis raah jaana na tha, uska pata diya mujhe
main bhatak gayee, kho gayee thi
meri duniya hi tabaah ho gayee thi

raste se bhi poocha tha maine
kya koi guzara tha aaj yahan se
jhoot bolna usko bhi khoob aa gaya
bola arsa hua, koi yaha se jab gaya

Ifs and buts

The easy conditions. The easier blames. Sometimes just, sometimes just the easiest ways out. Make what you want of it - It's my life...I got my problems

Each one of us learns the language of ifs and buts - and pretty fast. And I just love the if else loops in programming so much. In conjunction with the if loops walks a conditional life of ours.

"If you do not drink milk for the first 16 years of your life, chances are you might not be as healthy."
"I drank milk for 20 years of my life but uncontrolled amount of oil caused heart attacks".
Did you notice the condition in the first sentence? An incomplete if else statement that is. Most of our life's conditions are deficient... They're buggy!
And the second sentence, an effortless blame... I did what I was told to! The requirements were not clear!
*Yo techie ppl, identify with me?*

How very very easy it is to discredit someone with the use of the tiny, tiny word if. If Mr X had done a certain something, we would definitely be out of this mess. The sayer might as well be doing the same thing consciously had he been in Mr. X's shoes.
*shrugs* Regardless, I am not in Mr. X's shoes.

And how can I forget relationships when talking about conditions. True that something called "unconditional love" is more of a dying myth on our planet now. (On second thoughts, did it ever exist???) But conditions have to be just and justifiable as well. How many of us will be forced to refer and revisit their relationships - past or preset - just by the mere mention of conditions in relationships being mentioned here? I've revisited my connections, but I wasn't the one at fault!

Oh well, who cares!
If only I worried about what I wrote, I wouldn't write what I've written!

Parting and Meeting

I wish I had a way with partings. I was never good with them. It doesn't matter I leave people and places or people leave me... it's just the same. Even people who are least important matter only during the parting time. I've parted physically as well as emotionally with tons and tons of people in the past some time. Surprisingly, I am not used to them even now. There's a favourite quotation: To meet and part is the way of life, to part and meet again is the hope of life.
For some, I have no regrets but happiness, for others I have no regrets but sadness prevails, and yet there are those others that dooms me to the highest level of regrets and sadness.

Anyway, with experiments comes learning, and with learning comes experience - if that makes any sense at all. With time comes the need to write all that you know, all that is there to say.

But somehow, there are times that do not allow you to say whatever you want to. There are things, that for your best, should be left unsaid. What and when is up to you to decide. I hereby decide to not to say something at this point of time. I choose, however, to say that I miss a lot of people. I miss the lovely warm moments that I have spent with a lot of people. I miss...

Can I choose to say that my voice trailed off at this point of time?