The Cleanup

And now it was the turn of her study room after her room's closet. She was cleaning up her study to determine which items she wanted to discard before moving out. She picked up one paper at a time from pile one and skimmed through its contents and then put them in the second or third pile depending on whether she wanted to keep it or discard it. She held the next paper in the pile, unfolded it and began reading "hmmm so the reply...". Immediately she froze adjusting her eyes to stare into the empty corner of the study. The paper had curved corners and the ink along the folds of the paper had almost washed off with time as well as multiple acts of folding and unfolding the paper. 2 long years and she still decided on continuing to read the reply. It was a two-page long reply that was never sent to the person it was written for. She had no trouble reading the washed off parts of the paper. With tears in her eyes as she read the last line of the letter, "Thanks for being there whenever you were", among other things she tried to think if things would have been any different had she sent the email. May be the agony of being in nowhere would have reduced for her for a couple of months and may be the recipient's agony of knowing the truth so bluntly would have increased for the same amount of time. She was amazed at how untrained and reminiscent her heart had been even now, after it had got a lot more love in the past two years and had loved too. Anyway, there was no point thinking about the right and the wrongs now, when life for her had taken a very peaceful and calm road. She folded the paper back again like it had not been touched in the near past and put it on top of the third pile and continued her chore of picking up the next paper from pile one and skimming through it. A short pause from reading and her glare returned to the empty corner of her present study room once again. While her right hand held the paper she was reading her left hand sneaked to the top of the third pile and slyly shifted the top of stack to the second pile. A deep sigh and the eyes got back to reading the paper in the right hand...

No wonder numerous move outs and move ins and ups and downs have not snatched the heart's ability to reminisce...

Dastak

aaj toh dil ka darwaza khol de
ek arse ke baad aaj andar aane de

yaad, tumhari hi dastak ka intezaar tha
tum aaogi, poora poora aitbaar tha

aaj tujhse teri haalat ka hisaab lena hai
ek arse ke baad aaj jawaab dena hai

yaad, mera ek sandesa le ke jana hai
khush rehna, bus itna hi kehna hai

The Echo

Song of the moment: Shaam se aankh mein nami si hai

It was like the dust was scratched off the top of the trunk of memories to reveal the lock; it all came back like the dark cloud from the Pandora's box. It's been a year. One goddamn year, can you believe it. It is strange how everything including the pain comes alive the moment you start talking about something. And it wasn't passive this time. As well. I am so amazed at myself for being yet so under the influence. 

And apart from the opening of the memory box, I am getting to hear extremely familiar phrases: 

"...kitni vehli ho"

"...sharam naam ki toh koi cheez hi nahi hai"

"...nakhre hi bahut hain"

Do you know what that means? I haven't changed! I am partly happy about it, but partly sad as well... I do not want to be me anymore... I want the me to disappear behind a smiling face forever to not to be able to be reminded myself about me... 

Song of this moment: Maine dil se kaha dhoond laana khushi... 

Zindagi (Life)

Kal ki hi sab baat lagti hai jab
Zindagi thi, mai zinda tha tab

Kisi ki muskurahaton se hi
Zindagi thi, mai muskurata tha tab

Kal hi tanhai mei yaad ayee jo, woh
Zindagi thi, mai aabaad tha tab

Woh saath-saath mei chalti hui
Zindagi thi, mai zinda tha tab

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all seems like yesterday when
Life existed, I was alive then

Someone's smile was the reason
Life existed, I used to smile then

Yesterday, the memory in the solitude
Was life, I used to be befriended then

What used to walk along with me
Was life, I was alive then

Nasha

abhi tak hoon choor main
ye kaisa nasha hai
utarne ka jo naam nahi leta

kabhi achcha lagta hai, kabhi bura
ye kaisa nasha hai
asar hi jiska samajh mei na aaya

dhundli deewarein dhundle darwaze
dhundli manzil dhundle hi raaste
dagmagaye ja rahi hoon main
kahin hai is nashe ka ilaaj yaaron
kya koi haqeem koi marham
koi haqeeqat, koi sa bhi barham...



Not-up-to-the-mark Translation:

I am still drunk
What kind of an effect is this
Which doesn't get off you

Sometimes it feels good, sometimes bad,
What kind of an effect is this
The after-effects of which are not understandable

Blurry windows blurry doors,
Blurry destination and blurry ways,
I keep on faltering
Is there a treatment for this drunkenness friends
Is there some doctor some medicine
Is there some reality, or any kind of false belief...

Memory lane

aaj chand de gaya khidki pe dastak
de gaya beete samay ki phir se jhalak
de gaya phir mann mei ik kasak

kyun rooth sa jaata saara jahaan hai
kyun toote patton sa mann bemanzil uda jaata hai
kyun dard raat ke rangon sa roz roz ubhar aata hai

sochti hoon kya kabhi ye jahaan phir apna lagega
kya kabhi mann udaan ko koi manzil milegi
kya raat ka rang bhor mein ghul ke ghum ho jayega

the moon, today, gave a knock on the window
gave a snapshot of old times
gave an ache in the heart

why does the whole word turn its face away
why, like broken leaves the heart flies without a destination
why, pain, like the colors of the night, rises every day

i am thinking will this world ever feel like my own
will the heart-flying ever get a destination
will the colors fo the night merge and get lost in the dawn

This first anniversary (of something) wasn't something I wanted to remember ... But unfortunately, it will not go away without reminding me of it. I am good with dates.

Introspection

Mood of the moment: Very sad
Song of the moment: Lambi Judai (Jannat)

There are the sunny days and there are blue days. There are happy moments and then there are the dismal moments. Why does life have to be this topsy-turvy?

It is usually these moments of introspection that I do not like at all - specially now - I'd rather love to have a vacuum in my mind. Or is it the heart? Well, it doesn't matter. I need vacuum around me. I want to breathe in vacuum now... Plus, these introspections do not lead me to anywhere. I am where I was... Sickly soiled in the sandy areas of the quagmire dragging me, with each passing moment, deep into its center.

raat jab paas se guzarne lagi
subah ki toh ab bhi koi surat na dikhi
aye subah kab tak tarsaayegi mujhe
ke teri aahaton ka intezaar hai kab se..

woh sucha moti jo hatheli pe ja tika
ab woh bhi rehna chahta hai mehfooz
ke hui uski kadar na kahiin bhi
kis ke liye baar baar tu barasa karta hai..

Bluffers Park - 11 May 2008

This was the place where I spent my weekend. Not as alone as I could have wanted to be, and not as accompanied as I would have wished to be.



It was colder than we thought it would be. Nevertheless, it didn't stop us from going near the scintillating waters of the Bluffers Park. The waves were serenading, and the wind was excited. Go take a look for urself!

The best part was the waves coming and hitting the rocks. And I was so close to the phenomenon - it often felt like the water from the wave would splash on me as well. I simply loved it.

I call to thee
Make me free
Free like thyself
Far from filth
Far from the corrupted crowd

I call to thee
Make me fresh
Like thyself
After injury on injury
From the unfeeling rocks

I wish...