D. It is written

I feel like writing; its been a very long time since i wrote last. After a long time, I'm feeling indifferent. I've always refrained from writing when sad, and been too busy to write when happy. Indifference, I like.
I've spent most of December with Shrey and Ashish, and some time with Satish. Now I am unable to construct sentences without swear words. This will change when school begins, and I interact with more members of the general population. Hope that happens soon..

Merry Christmas people! I have been too busy over the Christmas ... My holidays till now have passed faster than I had thought they would. Now, the speed has slowed down. I've had enough of TO by now :) . Very mean of me to say that, but well, it's just true... I am no longer excited for the coming New Year celebrations either... It is just going to be a regular day, which will fly by. I have reasons to be pissed off...

Apart from that, I had a great deal of fun on TO. I am almost ready for my next semester - charged up and all set to go back :).

Now that we're talking about New Year, it is but natural to talk about resolutions too. As I said somewhere last year, new year resolutions are like a fashion of the past. At least for me. I am past new year resolutions. I do not like to make them, and then break them anymore. Someplace just reminded me what I wrote on New Years last year ... "... I got to live once again"... And as the year 2008 is coming to an end, I've started doing that.

Looking back at 2008, I did not lose anything over this year, although I spent time repenting my losses. This year was a year of gains for me. Nothing more I could have asked, nothing more could I have done to make my life better. There have been downs, and a lot many ups... I am thankful to God for making the year 2008 a good year for me. It lacked nothing, absolutely nothing...

And finally talking about a new me, as RC, SB, SK wanted to see, I have changed, somewhat... I think they'll vouch for it too :). There have been some positive and some negative changes as well. But it's ok, I do not have any regrets :)

The year 2009 - I haven't thought about it, because I do not want to. I do not what to want and expect out of it. End of story.

That my friends, again is my story :) Happy New Year to all! May the coming year shower you with all the very best that life has to offer you :) God bless!!

Express it!!

General observation has led me to believe that it is easier for guys to express their feelings than girls. Be it Bollywood movies or real life, it is the same. Can anyone please help me understand the reason behind this? And yes, I am not talking about crying here :P ... Girls definitely hold the first place in that :).

I am talking in more general terms. Gentlemen find it easy to speak up their mind (or heart), but ladies do not. I think gentlemen reading my blog are not going to be of the same opinion as me. I would really like to know peoples' take on this topic!

Longgg time!!

I have been missing for the longest time now! And where have I been? In a world where all that I literally saw was a bunch of assignments, papers, presentations and exams... It sure is a crazy world! CRAZZZZZZZZZY!!
And finally, I am done with my first semester. Can you believe it? It has been a huge change in my life. And positive one at that. Yes, there are days when I go without food :) but I guess it's all good! There are days when I choose between cooking and working, and between sleeping and working. My health hasn't been fine for the longest time either, but I guess it's still all good! And I am luvin' it. I am all set to go home, take a month long break, and hopefully come back revived and refreshed. I really hope my trip home doesn't have any surprises, if you know what I mean! ;)
And the new year is fast approaching as well. 2008 wasn't necessarily a bad year for me. It wasn't. Part of it was, but overall, there have been worst times I can say. I've taken my time to do my part of learning. I am now taking time to do things I want to do, before life starts sucking again :)
A list of stuff is awaiting my attention before I leave for home - from laundry to cleaning to returning library books to filling some crucial number of forms to talking to my supervisor to filing claims to.... urghhh - it is stuff that hasn't been taken care of for more than a month now; I guess I need a to-do-list and start crossing items I need to get done one by one.
I haven't blogged for the longest time either. Call it lack of time, or some contribution of laziness, it will both be true. There were times when I had an urgent need to blog. There were times when I wrote stuff to post it, but haven't done so. My walks, although became infrequent, were still very much not affected by the cold whether (was due to the workload). I feel the need to walk, and Ottawa's cold weather still hasn't come in the way! Oh well, it's not even half as cold as Ottawa gets. It's decent - negative 7 is how far it is as of now and has just snowed two times till now. Ottawa's like my boyfriend - I am always praising it, regardless of the downsides =). Talking about downsides, well there's funnily none! I miss my friends in Toronto, and I miss home. I miss telling my family that my health has not been good and I miss their care, but Ottawa does seem to cover it all up!!
The Mumbai massacre left me in pieces, as it did to a humongous lot of people. And not surprisingly, I got emails about people taking pride in the "spirit of Mumbai" to move on. And about signing some form. Tons of questions I am sure walked around, some answered, some responded to with mugged answers, some, or most, left unanswered in a hope that they will soon drown and die out, as have numerous other questions overtime. It is sadly pathetic. A very bizarre thought comes to my mind - how come the extremely brainless lot of people are ALL being born in the Indian sub-continent? It's disastrous. The everyday humdrum doesn't however, come to a complete hault. Yes, Mumbai has to move on.
That, I guess is it about me! Wasn't that a potpourri? And ppl, I haven't heard from a lot many of you for the longest time as well. Please do tell me how life's been with you all :-).

False my life
False is the strife

False my action
False is the reaction

False my want
False is the wont

False my love
False The One above?


P.S.: No I do not doubt The One. Not again, yet! The question is for you :)

A peek at the University Campus

OK, that is the most beautiful part of my University!! It's sad that the winter's approaching so soon... How does it look?

I just love the sonance of flowing waters...

Ottawa's given me enormous opportunities to get the most beautiful pictures in the world, and to be able to enjoy these scenic views... I am in love again!!

Wait, don't think too much - I am in love with Ottawa :) :) :)

Love me, love me not?

Love me, love me not?
I am but mind with a fear besought...

Love me, love me not?
I am but a heart that's distraught...

Love me, love me not?
I am but a gently fading illusion...

Love me, love me not?
I am but the burnt wick of the torch...

Colors

One of the many magnanimous shades of the fall. I got this picture from a transit station. Fall presents the prettiest, if not the most liveliest shades.



As the autumn is drawing to an end, I am guessing these are all the "colors" of fall that I could gather :(. I have some more pics, but they aren't really nice. I wanted to have a post full of the different colors I saw in this fall. But anyway, as a bonus :) check these ones out -

Could you possibly count the number of colors these pics have?


Yes, these are very much clicked pictures, and have been taken by a friend of mine.

It's almost time for the winter to step in graciously. And from now on, all you'll get to see are white pictures on my blog :). It's going to white very soon!

Winter Sun

Spread the warmth in my life
The winter sun.
Smile, for that blesses me
Smile, for I need to smile too.

Come, let's walk together
Come, take me, take me away
To a land where
Sunshine is the only way

Missed you have been, winter sun
For the icy pathways of life
And the chilly winds alone
Have had me numbly frozen

The Echo

Song of the moment: Shaam se aankh mein nami si hai

It was like the dust was scratched off the top of the trunk of memories to reveal the lock; it all came back like the dark cloud from the Pandora's box. It's been a year. One goddamn year, can you believe it. It is strange how everything including the pain comes alive the moment you start talking about something. And it wasn't passive this time. As well. I am so amazed at myself for being yet so under the influence. 

And apart from the opening of the memory box, I am getting to hear extremely familiar phrases: 

"...kitni vehli ho"

"...sharam naam ki toh koi cheez hi nahi hai"

"...nakhre hi bahut hain"

Do you know what that means? I haven't changed! I am partly happy about it, but partly sad as well... I do not want to be me anymore... I want the me to disappear behind a smiling face forever to not to be able to be reminded myself about me... 

Song of this moment: Maine dil se kaha dhoond laana khushi... 

Zindagi (Life)

Kal ki hi sab baat lagti hai jab
Zindagi thi, mai zinda tha tab

Kisi ki muskurahaton se hi
Zindagi thi, mai muskurata tha tab

Kal hi tanhai mei yaad ayee jo, woh
Zindagi thi, mai aabaad tha tab

Woh saath-saath mei chalti hui
Zindagi thi, mai zinda tha tab

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all seems like yesterday when
Life existed, I was alive then

Someone's smile was the reason
Life existed, I used to smile then

Yesterday, the memory in the solitude
Was life, I used to be befriended then

What used to walk along with me
Was life, I was alive then

The Zahir

I just finished reading "The Zahir" by Paulo Coelho on Adi's recommendation. And I now do know why you recommended me that book Adi. I can identify with each and every word written in the book. I mean it is a very strange coincidence - did Coelho write it for me, for I have the exact same questions as he does? Is Coelho the hero, or is Coelho me? No, well, the novel is written for the likes of me, and for the likes of him. It ended up telling me exactly why my Zahir wasn't disappearing from my life, and what I could possibly do to make it disappear. I have realized that it feels like exactly how I was feeling for what seems to be forever, when the life is occupied by something more correctly referred to as obsession, and when the Zahir takes over every moment and every space of your life. Zahir, the word in itself means "clearly visible". As Coelho explains in the beginning of his book:

Zahir, in Arabic, means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It is someone or something which, once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else. This can be considered either a state of holiness or of madness.

It did not take me quite a lot of effort to understand the Zahir. It did not take me quite a lot of effort to understand what I needed to do. What is taking a lot of effort was to understand how a person who talked about the freedom to follow our dreams could think of things like being affected by what people would think about him. Yes it is humane, but what his books refer to is not humane. You have to be above humans, or at least decide to go against the crowd. And if you decide to do so, why would you care in the least as to what people think - they would already think you are mad enough! Or is it that it wasn't him - it was one of his characters who was being bothered by the Zahir. I do strive to write sometimes, and I know that what a writer does is manipulates most of her own life and experiences and of those around her to come up with a breathtaking work of non-fiction. And if that is how The Zahir is born, I find it very hard to understand that the author and the lead character of the story is the very same, extremely humane person.

Apart from the confusion, The Zahir is an extremely engaging novel, something that I could not get my eyes off from ever since I started reading it. It teaches you to realize that there's stuff that holds you back, that prevents you from moving on, it teaches how everyone of us is capable of leaving our "personal history" behind, at the same time carrying with us just a story. It teaches you how love is not meant to be possessed, and how distance at times, is important to be able to rediscover love. It talks about the love minus humanism... I have no problems agreeing to the rupture of a variety of social taboos in the book. And I have no problems identifying with "sects". People in his novel are usually able to find people from whom they could "learn", if you know what I mean. Where can I find such a guru? Or such a sect? Why does it never happen to me that people talk to me about that Energy? or The Lady? or the numerous different ways of becoming closer to the One?
Perhaps it will be a while before I portray one of his characters in his book - remember, I hope to be free someday!

On the Walk - II

Ego

The "I" consumes a lot more space in our lives than it should. Yes, I always say that happiness is what "I" want, and that still holds. But the ego is the darker side of I, and it comes into existence because of the ways of the world. A free world would be one in which there are no expectations of anyone. But our world doesn't fit into that definition.

How does expectation have anything to do with ego even remotely?

The way it works is this: Part of the life involves creating contacts - and there are some that are God-given - as we are "social animals". We do favours, and as a return, expect from people. It's very humane to expect for what we've done, although that's not what is right, even on accounts of declaring this act as humane. When the expectation is not fulfilled, there comes a time when my ego comes in, and I stop doing my part. There comes a time when I am so used to getting favours done for me, that I forget to do my part - assuming that I have all the right in the world to be treated in the kingly manner.

I also mentioned "the ways of the world" previously. The ways of the world have created tasks*, and have created certain people to be able to perform those tasks. If a man gets to think that a task is just not meant for him to do, there's nothing that you can do to get the man to accomplish the task, except try to break his ego.

There's also another reason for ego, which I haven't been able to figure out yet. A type of ego that couldn't be explained by either expectations or tasks... If any one can shed some light on another reason, it would be great...

And very funnily, the amount of ego differs between men and women - being so much more in men than in women. Women can forget it for a bit, but men will never do so. Men's pride** is their ego; it cannot be shattered by any living entity. The reason, for the difference, is probably a God's mistake in creation, and acts as another ingredient to the recipe of inequality-of-men-and-women... There's nothing for me to state as a possible reason for the difference.


Footnotes:

*Tasks here are not symbolic of the physical tasks. They' can be a word representing just about any activity, any possible verb.

**Pride is the end result of ego - an ego that swells so much that a person disrupts all contacts with realities, and creates a world of his own - he's the creator and the sole resident of his proud world.

Hidden Treasure

I just read "The Little Prince" written by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, and there are some beautiful thoughts in the novel. Here, I am listing some words that I really loved while reading:


Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.


And, with perhaps a hint of sadness, he added: "Straight ahead of him, nobody can go very far..."


If you were to say to the grown-ups: "I saw a beautiful house made of rosy brick, with geraniums in the windows and doves on the roof," they would not be able to get any idea of that house at all. You would have to say to them: "I saw a house that cost $20,000." Then they would exclaim: "Oh, what a pretty house that is!"


"You know- one loves the sunset, when one is so sad..."


It is such a secret place, the land of tears.


"... Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her..."


"The grown-ups are certainly very, very odd," he said to himself, as he continued on his journey.


"Where are the men?"... "It is a little lonely in the desert..."
"It is also lonely among men," the snake said.


"... Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."


"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."


"Only the children know what they are looking for," said the little prince. "They waste their time over a rag doll and it becomes very important to them; and if anybody takes it away from them, they cry..."


"The desert is beautiful," the little prince added.
And that was true. I have always loved the desert. One sits down on a desert sand dune, sees nothing, hears nothing. Yet through the silence something throbs, and gleams...
"What makes the desert beautiful," said the little prince, "is that somewhere it hides a well... "

On the Walk - I

Decisions

Decisions essentially depend on three factors in a non-ideal* world:

• The long term effect of the decision
• The number of people affected by the decision, and the intimacy** level with them
  
• The pros and cons weighed in a decision-balance***

One factor may be the dominating one depending on the circumstances. So the formula is finding the most dominating factor, and then analyzing accordingly. Simple, eh?

Confusion in decisions exist if the decision is really small or if it is a really big one. You'll mostly be fine for medium sized decisions. Think about it!


Footnotes:

*In an ideal world, a decision depends on one thing only - what is it that you want to do?
**Intimacy level with a person is a mixture of closeness to the person, the amount you care about the person, how much would it take to hurt the person.
***A decision-balance, is pretty much a beam balance, in which you place the pros of a decision in one pan and cons of the decision in the other pan. The side that is heavy would essentially make more sense.

On the Walk

It has become customary for me to go for a quiet walk on weekends when I am home. It de-stresses me, makes my lungs and body feel healthier, and ready for the week ahead. There's something in the air of Ottawa that reminds me of Dalhousie, India so much. It's such a similar fresh winter smell. It's the smell of the cold mixed with the smell of autumn leaves mixed with the smell of burnt wood smoke. And I love the amount of cold it is at the moment. And I love these walks.

I realized there's something that I am thinking during that walk, and have decided to try penning it down... as a series!! Let's see how far it goes (the winter's pretty close, so I do doubt it will not be a long series) :)!

The day that was...

And that day was really special. More special than what she had wanted it to be, more special because everything was so unexpected. It was the day that marked her arrival into this world, and every year but this she was extremely excited about it. This year the day was also to be "celebrated" as an anniversary. She had decided she would forgive everyone who forgot her birthday and wanted the minimum number of wishes possible - just because some of them are unavoidable. Despite no publicity and despite no want for wishes, she was actually very glad that people who meant a lot to her wished her.
Did she make a list of people who wished her? Yes! That was custom to count the number of wishes she got on her birthday. That was 39 sans belated and early wishes. Sure the number isn't even close to comparing to the erstwhile birthdays, but well, that's a biggg number for this time.
What made her more glad was that oh-not-so-close people wished her as well. And to top it all, some people she knew for just a couple of months arranged a surprise birthday. The surprise did pleasantly shock her, and it showed on her face. She is extremely thankful to these bunch of people for everything - from wishing her, to convincing her to come to the Dandiya/Garba so she doesn't feel alone, to organizing the surprise cake, above all, for making her forget her "birthday woes" entirely! She hadn't danced as much on any of her previous birthdays, nor had she ever been confronted with such a wonderful surprise.
Along side all the nice things that were happening, she was waiting. And hoping! She watched the clock strike 12 and after 24 hours she saw the clock strike 12 again. Can you believe it? The hope doesn't leave her side usually. And that does hurt at times. At times such as these. When it is more than evident that the wait is not going to be fruitful. And guess what? It wasn't fruitful. Why should it be? After all I am the bedard, ya?

Forgetfulness

"I am going home tomorrow :) "
"?? Where is home? Where are you? I thought you go home every day after work."


"You are not in hospital by any chance?"
"Go figure!"

"Canada? Vancouver? You are in States? You are in India. Oh WAITTT! You came to India a few months back! And you forgot to call me! Yea you are here :)"


**************************************************

"Nice pic!"
"Thank you :)"
"Where did you click it? Montreal?"
"No! Toronto" *Is doubtful* "You know where I am there days, ya?"
":) Yeah! That is why I said Montreal."



**************************************************

"I am coming to Toronto over the weekend :) "
"WHY?? WHAT is the need? Isn't that your home now?"
"HUHHH???"

**************************************************

The New Look!!!

:)

Changed the look of the blog and added some gadgets in the side bar! How does it look?
Good? Bad? Ugly? Better? Worse?

Well, I love it, for a change :) Whatsay?

An Ode to My Smile Fairy

Whenever he comes, he brings loads of smiles for me. And when does he come? When I need a friend the most. He makes you feel like he's right next door, but really he's miles and miles and miles away. You do not have to tell him you are crying, or upset - he just knows. And he knows exactly what to say to make you smile. The cutest of things, the most natural kind of humor, and the best advice is what I get from him. And he thinks I am a "poori saddist beauty"! And rightly, he thinks he is my Smile Fairy. He told me that I was the one who brings out this funny guy in him, but I do not think I believe him. He's such a natural.

No wonder he works with words everyday of his life! He weaves his dreams with words, and hopes and prays that one day they'll be a big reality in his life. He's the kind of magician who takes every day objects and turns them into the most astounding kind of poetry. Impossible to believe, but very true. He believes his words like no one else. His spelling mistakes are attributed to the fact that he's in love! I am so very sorry that he's angry with very few people in life, and one guy adds up to his list because of me.

So this, my friends is the story of my Smile Fairy, The Adee and Ant of Dee - Adi! Thanks for being such a wonderful person!

By the way, he also thinks if you call up a guy friend in the middle of the night and tell him you are missing him, the guy is going to love it and will talk to you atleast for the next half an hour, no matter whether he has a girl friend or not! What do you guys think?

Song of the moment: Kabhi socha hai kya, barish kyun bhaaye, kyun geet bewajah hothon pe aaye ... :-)

Freedom

Paani ki tarah beh jaane do mujhe
ki aazaadi ka doosra naam hoon main
roko mat, rokne ki koshish mat karo
chalte chale jaane ka hi ek naam hoon main
apna raasta khud dhoond nikalne ki
aadat si ho gayee hai mujhe
baandhon mein padha sadhne lagta hoon
haathon ki ungliyon se bhi nikal jaata hoon

(Like the water, let me flow away
For I am the other name of freedom
Don't stop me, don't try to stop me
I am the other name of going on
Finding my own way has become
More like a habit to me
I start rotting in dams
I escape from between fingers as well)

What an irony!!!

Song of the moment: Jaane kya chahe mann, bawara, ankhiyan mere saawan chala ...

Life is beautiful!!

Been a while since I last blogged... Had been busy with first, trying to adjust, second, a short trip back home, third, work, fourth, life!!

And talking about life reminds me of the quiet walk I had yesterday near the Rideau Canal. I am posting some nice pics that I clicked... And do you know what these pics tell me? They tell me - yes, it does get lonely at times, but loneliness has the nicest of colors... Don't believe me? Take a look for yourself!





Does this look like our world at all? My world's all tumultuous, but remains no longer so, when I become a part of this world! Amazing!!


I love the angular view in this pic ... This is such a serene picture ...


Too late for a pic I guess, but nevertheless, worth a try! The lovely Parliament Hill is what you see up here!


Another shot of the Parliament Hill... If you liked them, and want some more, go to my Facebook acct :)

Wake up! and blog!

Sab jag soye, hum jaagein, taaron se karein baatein .......
Chandni raatein

Yesterday, as I was lying in bed, I had this very strong urge to get up, and blog about something. It was something that I cannot define at this moment as, precisely, I do not remember, but I can gather from faint memory that the characteristics of it were very philosophical. It was as if I really needed to give some treasured piece of advice to the world. And I lay tossing in bed trying to avoid waking up to "blog" at 2:00 a.m. in the morning. And I managed to stay in bed. The result? Well, the world is devoid of some treasured words! :)

Song of the moment: Main jahan rahoon, main kahi bhi rahoon, teri yaad saath hai....
Mood of the moment: Tired and sleepy (if there is such a type of mood!)

Freedom

It is pathetic that, we, the inhabitants of this world, complain about not being free, where we are the ones who cover ourselves behind layers and layers of bondage, and continue to be bound... As I always say, we can, most often than not, choose. We choose worldly responsibilities, societal norms, over what's more important ... and as a result, suffer restraint. Sadly, I am one of this world as well...

It does not count whether the blue colored dress suits me more than the pink one; it doesn't matter what my neighbour would think if I have children that do not get married at "the right age"; it doesn't matter whether I loved and lost, or whether I loved again; it doesn't matter whether I cleared the GMAT test because my mum wanted me to. All that matters in this world is - AM I HAPPY DOING WHAT I AM?

Don't do unto others what you want them to do to you. STOP expecting. Do unto others entirely as you want to do with them. The book Illusions by Richard Bach gives a beautiful, very beautiful example of this. I'd recommend this book for anyone who's really looking at breaking free.

Another powerful and extremely well done book about following what you need to do most is The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho.

But I will be free, someday.

I strive for the day I would be free,
With not a soul to answer
With not a question in mind
With no hunger for love
And with no reasons, no pain

I will be the answer, the enigma
I will be free, someday

Incomplete

A bird without a nest
A success without a test

A glass without water
A talk without laughter

A symbol without a meaning
A magic show without cheating

Ah! what a paired world
And what a symmetric existence...

Nasha

abhi tak hoon choor main
ye kaisa nasha hai
utarne ka jo naam nahi leta

kabhi achcha lagta hai, kabhi bura
ye kaisa nasha hai
asar hi jiska samajh mei na aaya

dhundli deewarein dhundle darwaze
dhundli manzil dhundle hi raaste
dagmagaye ja rahi hoon main
kahin hai is nashe ka ilaaj yaaron
kya koi haqeem koi marham
koi haqeeqat, koi sa bhi barham...



Not-up-to-the-mark Translation:

I am still drunk
What kind of an effect is this
Which doesn't get off you

Sometimes it feels good, sometimes bad,
What kind of an effect is this
The after-effects of which are not understandable

Blurry windows blurry doors,
Blurry destination and blurry ways,
I keep on faltering
Is there a treatment for this drunkenness friends
Is there some doctor some medicine
Is there some reality, or any kind of false belief...

I, Me, and Myself

I've often had people saying, "your blog is so much about you." There, you said it - "your blog"! Well, yea, it is MY BLOG, and I write about me, about stuff I hate, stuff I love, or stuff that has anything to do with me or my thoughts... If anyone has problems, I'd really like to confess I am not changing the way things are written on this blog; you might want to start liking it and continue reading it, or you might want to take a break for all this me-stuff, and blog surf elsewhere!

It is MY blog and will remain so FOREVER...

Memory lane

aaj chand de gaya khidki pe dastak
de gaya beete samay ki phir se jhalak
de gaya phir mann mei ik kasak

kyun rooth sa jaata saara jahaan hai
kyun toote patton sa mann bemanzil uda jaata hai
kyun dard raat ke rangon sa roz roz ubhar aata hai

sochti hoon kya kabhi ye jahaan phir apna lagega
kya kabhi mann udaan ko koi manzil milegi
kya raat ka rang bhor mein ghul ke ghum ho jayega

the moon, today, gave a knock on the window
gave a snapshot of old times
gave an ache in the heart

why does the whole word turn its face away
why, like broken leaves the heart flies without a destination
why, pain, like the colors of the night, rises every day

i am thinking will this world ever feel like my own
will the heart-flying ever get a destination
will the colors fo the night merge and get lost in the dawn

This first anniversary (of something) wasn't something I wanted to remember ... But unfortunately, it will not go away without reminding me of it. I am good with dates.

Did you know?

Did you know where the Governor General of Canada and the President of Canada live? Did you know that there was at one point of time a one dollar bill in Canada? Did you know Rideau river merges into the Ottawa river? Well, I now do know this, and a lot more! Today we had this fantabulous bus tour of Ottawa event sponsored by the Graduate Student Association for welcoming new grads. The bus took us around Downtown, Ottawa and showed us a number of places of interest, and also gave an idea of popular restaurants, pubs, etc. in Downtown... There's soo much water around Ottawa, and it's surrounded by three beautiful rivers - Gatineau river, Ottawa river and the Rideau river... There were so much greenery. We also got to take a peek into the Gatineau region - essentially a part of Quebec. I loved it absolutely. I think the events being organized by GSA are a great way for people from outside Ottawa to merge into the walks and ways of Ottawa. And the good part is that they continue till the end of next week :)

And the dreaded weekend is here. I'd be bored to death if I stick to staying home for both days... I donno where I can go... And I don't really know people yet...

I still haven't settled down quite for getting into the mood of studying... I should, though! My mum's glad Ottawa puts me to sleep early, and makes me wake up early as well! I am not too glad with that...

Where are you from?

OK, the most common question that anyone is most likely going to ask you in your first communication with them: Where are you from?

What do I say?

• Toronto? - that's where my parents are, that's what's been "home" for the past 3 something years
  
• India? - that's where my roots are ... that's where I belong ultimately, but that is not where I am "coming from" at the moment.
  
• Coming from Toronto, originally from India? - that's too long an answer for a question as short as "Where are you from?"

What do I say??

The beginning

I am extremely tired. I know I haven't written anything sensible in the past some days. I haven't really been in the mood yet. Plus everyday I get so tired... I wonder why Toronto wasn't this tiring ever... And I haven't started studying as well... Grad school doesn't give vibes like those of an undergrad school... It seems much harder. There's stuff that I really need to get done ASAP, but I cannot even get to start them.

Anyway, besides the tiredness, there's so much that I want to talk about. I am missing Toronto a lot, specially today. It's one of those days today... I am so glad RA's been talking to me really really frequently, and listening to all the crap that I have to say. I am so thankful for having him around. I wish I made friends fast...

I think people in Ottawa a lot more friendlier and helpful than they are in Toronto. If they are unable to help you with reaching some-building, they feel so sorry, as if not knowing and not being able to help you was all their mistake (I experienced this a couple times...). They talk more, and smoke less... and they are not allowed to smoke in the approximate distance of 10 m from the entrance doors to uni buildings, which I think is absolutely amazing. The roads do not seem as simple and straight as Finch E or Finch W, and Yonge N or Yonge S. It might be a while before I get to understand the curves and turns. And yes, I am not saying Ottawa is better than Toronto - it isn't; it lacks my family and friends yet...

There was this trip to the Art Gallery that was organized by Grad Student Association today, and I went there. This Art Gallery is soooo much better than the Art Gallery of Ontario that they have in Toronto. There's also this bus tour of Ottawa tomorrow, which I may attend.

Coming to studies, well, honestly, I am most likely going to sleep right after posting this. Gawwwd give me some more time... Where is all the time one has as a student??? It will be a while before I adjust to everything...

Good night world!
11:12 p.m.

Mood of the moment: Homesick
Song of the moment: Hum rahein ya na rahein kal ...

Update

I have moved to Ottawa finally. The sinking feeling is still lingering on. It is probably because I do not really have anything better to do at the moment. And it being a holiday today doesn't even allow me to get to someplace. I finished setting up my room last night, configured my shelf, setup my printer, woke up early this morning (well early, in my dictionary means 8:30), and went for a walk, made my breakfast, got my phone number changed, changed my address at a number of places. Wasn't I productive enough for two days?

There's a window in my room, that faces west and lets sunlight in after 2:00 p.m. till whatever time the sun is visible. Yes, room gets relatively large amounts of heated sun. But I am praying for the days to be shorter so that the winter sun from the room would look good :)

I have some stuff to buy, which I'll probably do tomorrow. And I still have the whole evening to pass... urghhhh

After effects

Everything in this world has after-effects. Think about the after-effects of anti-aging creams to nuclear bombs to pregnancy to love.

Let's leave the after effects of anti-aging creams, nuclear bombs and pregnancy for the more eligible class of scientists to explore and prove...

I am just going to take a plunge into the after effects of the non-scientific thing - love.

Pyaar ke Side-Effects toh dekhi hi hogi. So, besides that, well, the first serious after-effect of love is expectation. The world is witness to the fact that expectations in love are the basic cause for a majority of blunders in love.

The second serious after-effect of love is that the love-birds fail to keep track of their friends... Friends cease to exist - friends are no longer inhabitants of the lovers' superior planet.

The third serious after-effect of love is comparison. The comparison can be between times gone by, and the present; or between someone else's lover and your own.

And of course, there is the "heart-break" part of love. Govinda rightly said, "Oye Raju, pyaar na kariyo... dil toot jaata hai". People deal differently with heart-breaks. There are people, who WANT to cry for their entire life, and not think of the future, of their friends' and family's happiness... I use the word "want" because humans are made of a very strong and powerful material. They have the ability to choose what to do with themselves. They can either choose to drown in self-pity or can choose various ways to come out of situations. They can choose to forgive and forget, or remember and regret... Yes, sometimes we do not have a choice, but we pretty much know whether the choice is there for us to make or not. And as if to continue the train of thoughts forward, it appears that heart-breaks themselves have a history of after-effects. I am not willing to get to them at this point of time.

But remember, choose... Choose on the basis of reasons. It's like putting the fors and againsts on a beam balance and weighing them, and seeing which side of reasoning is heavier... Well, at least, that is how I do it. And I think it helps...

We, more often than not, have a choice.

Un-expectations

I have been talking a lot about expectations, and about people failing to meet them. And today, I have been disappointed by not one but two people. Two people, who meant a lot did unexpected things - one spoke something I wasn't expecting to hear i.e. "Stop pretending", and the other has not spoken anything.

This first gentleman, "middle man" as someone named him, was what I thought of as an exceptional friend. He's what almost a six year old friend... Probably he was trying to show me a side of me that didn't exist or that he thought I was aware of, but hiding from him... Probably he thought that my best interest was to know that I should stop pretending and that he had come to know I was pretending... Probably it's the distance that does quite a lot of things to you... I wish he knew what pretense was. Pretense is hanging up on the phone, and blaming it on the network, pretense is knowing someone called you, and never calling back, pretense is gaining sympathy of people when you are at fault. Pretense is smiling every day and chirping the whole day so mum-dad are happy; pretense is running away from everything with the hope to really run away from everything. My life, what remains of it is what I trying to improvise. I do not need comments that make me sit on my thinking chair, and re-picture the worst phases of my life. I admittedly do that without the presence of those comments, and that is something I see myself refraining from doing in the near future. I do not need friends who do not believe me, and of course think I am pretending and also expect me always to take that first step. I am extremely hurt and extremely disappointed.

This other gentleman, oh well, I don't want to say anything about him. He's disappointed me far too much to say anything about him. I am waiting and watching... still. It feels dumb and ridiculous doing so. But I guess his speaking up or not doesn't affect me to the extent that the "middle man's" comment does. I do not need friends who tell me that they are closest to me but when it comes to their-facts-of-life, I get to hear that from other people ... But as I said, I am not hurt - just disappointed.

I've lost faith over love, I wonder how much more will it take to lose faith over friendship someday. I earnestly hope that never happens ...

At First Sight

"At First Sight" by Nicholas Sparks is very captivating, and is the latest book that I finished. Last night I couldn't keep the book down before I actually finished it. It is an amazing story of the ups and downs of relationships, and of love at first sight, and of how that love sustained. I would recommend people to read that novel. It's not an unrealistic romance. And the twist in the end was, I guess so unpredictable. They were focusing on the unborn baby and anxieties of the parents to be, that ABS (amniotic band syndrome) may be a potential danger to the baby, and the baby may end up born with physical deformities, and the extreme rare case, the baby may die! But who was to believe that, when a healthy baby was delivered, the mum would die because of what is called amniotic fluid embolism, and surprisingly, the two diseases are not related.
Another surprising thing was Doris being able to accurately judge the gender of an unborn baby way in advance, and also whether the baby would be miscarried. And her ability to judge so for 93 women under "controlled settings". It was pure intuition, but hey, it worked, always!!

The book mentions that somethings are inexplicable if trying to base their explanation on Science. I guess I have learned to believe that over time. Some things are just meant to be. But even after reading the novel, I do not know whether my belief for "love at first sight" has increased a percent more than what it was earlier or no. You can't have reasons for why you love a person if it was love at first sight. From my experiences in life, if love exists "just because" and there is just no reason why you love a person, you will end up not fighting for that person you love, you will end up not supporting that person. The mind needs a reason for everything, and it's those times when there is no reason that people oftentimes end up walking out of love. On the other hand, knowing why you love someone has you have a reason for wanting the person in your life and of course, fighting for the person's presence right where she belongs. It's plain simple as that. Yes it worked out for Jeremy and Lexie...

I am searching for a good book to read. I may as well read when I can :) Any suggestions anyone?

Mood of the Moment: Doubtful, Questioning

Song of the Moment: Ae ajnabi, tu bhi kabhi aawaaz de kahi se (Dil Se...)

Khali dimag = shaitaan ka ghar

19th August 2008
1:47 a.m.

My first day off work is over. As RA said, "unemployed"! I missed work somewhat... and got bored and well, it's seems like it's been forever since I was actually idle for some time at a stretch.

Just finished watching Singh is Kinng. It was nice and fun, for a change, and for remembrances as well...

People come and people go, but only few leave footprints on your heart...

Aaj jaane ki zidd na karo, yu hi pehlu mei baithe raho
Haaye mar jaayenge, Hum toh lut jaayenge,
Aisi baatein kiya na karo

"What's the limit of true love?"
"Its like the limits of the ocean - limitless."
"Ah ah! There's borders that separates two of them; there's a limit to the ocean - it's not visible to the focuses of human eyes blinded by the vast expanse."

tanhai ki tasveer bana di kalakaar ne
zara mai bhi toh uski parchhai dekhoon
kya woh mere jaisi hai
kya saath mein do ghariyan bitayegi
ya sab ki tarah chhod chali jaayegi??


Translation:
(The artist made a picture of loneliness
I should catch a glimpse of its reflection
Is she like me
Would she spent two moments with me
Or would she leave live the rest?)

And by the way, the title literally means "An empty mind is the house of the devil!" Figured that already, didn't you!!

when the going gets rough...

August 15, 2008
1:07 a.m.

Happy Independence Day India!

We're celebrating our independence by killing our tenants to prove that we can actually shoot as well as Abhinav Bindra - the guy who got us a gold medal in the 2008 Beijing Olympics. And by fighting over religions that actually teach us all paths lead to The One. How amazing can that be? It may seem ironical when I am writing about this from Toronto, and when I actually don't and can't do anything about it. It's the nationalists, the patriotics, that are responsible for the doom of a country.

But anyway, the world's turning an evil place with each passing day. And how people marvel at fooling themselves that the world is still good, and that not every one is a liar. It's the fact that I actually tell people upfront, "Every one on earth is a liar", and they cringe and think, "Oh my good Lord, she thinks like this about me!" I mean come on, we all know the truth deep down, why am I out of my mind when I say it?

Let me leave aside the political turmoil of life, and settle for a bit on the personal turmoil. It's my last day at work tomorrow. Well, actually today. I have mixed feelings. You are utterly comfortable in a niche for a while, when all of a sudden you plan to plunge into an altogether new world, new people, new everything. I have been there for a total of 17 months now, and have gotten used to the environment, people. This describes my state of mind better. Except the voice trailing off portion :-).

Anyway, it had to come, I guess. Better now than ever. And I had to do it this point in time... But yes, I am nervous, excited, sad ... and many more things at this very time.

"This too shall pass!"

Anatomy of arranged marriages

I do not know whether there's any point in my exploring the dark and exceedingly diminishing world of arranged marriages. Dark because it's really, really dark out there. No one really knows what one has to end up with... Diminishing because, thankfully (some) people of my parents' generations have begun to accept the idea of a mutual understanding and feeling of love between the people getting married rather than a burdening alliance between two families.

It's two people unaware of the presence of the other on this earth, unaware that the other is going to mean their life for the rest of it, who meet over a cup of coffee, and decide whether this other is the person they really want to spend their rest of the life with. It's two people who come together not because they were attracted to each other because of so-and-so similarities, or not because they were attracted to each other because of their personalities differing like the north and south pole; it is two people who come together because their families are alike in status, money, and fame, and maybe, because they have a common connection to a third family responsible for the alliance. It is two people who decide to walk besides each other no matter what. And it turns out that in arranged marriages, no matter what" literally means that.

True that arranged marriages (usually) are more successful than love, but what that tends to mean is that people bound in arranged marriages are not divorced, and nothing above and beyond that. That is all the statistics count, isn't it? For one, there are no expectations from each other in arranged marriages just when the blissful years of married life start and thus, since day one, you take to observations and recording of reactions. It's most philosophical to claim that people with least expectations are the happiest. For another, there is also no comparison between the pre-marriage and post-marriage outlook of the other person, which I think avoids a fair amount of hassle. Those two reasons specially hold strongly against people who are tied by the strings of love marriage. In the latter case, there are mutual dreams about the post-marriage life, and definitely there are those expectations and comparisons.


At times, an arranged marriage drags on unhappily, for life, just because the word divorce was never introduced in our dictionaries... What a shame it is that two individuals (or at least one) are let to suffer for life because of mistakes made by their elders. And sadly, they have to endure it all - yes, quietly definitely works best. The world pities them, but no one really dares to take a step forward and free them of the superfluous binding. I mean, I am a believer of Dalai Lama's quote "The purpose of life is to be happy". What exactly is any one getting by torturing those poor souls and robbing them of THEIR life? Guys, you cannot benefit out of their lives!


Anyway, that was an extension of a semi-personal episode, which I have become familiar with recently. Every person should be responsible for what they do, and they should be given enough freedom to live the kind of life they want, and bear the consequences of their actions. People who get married aren't kids anymore dammit! And people who mistreat their "better-halves" should be screwed.


Not that I am against arranged marriages, but I am definitely not for them. They're extremely flawed. People who are responsible for these marriages' going hay-wire will never take the blame for it. And people who are not responsible, are the miserable sufferers. Other than that, life's more of an adjustment for ever, and there's actually less of the substance called life that remains when it turns out to be an adjustment...

For the sake of writing

Song of the moment: Pehli Nazar, Atif Aslam

OK, an insomniac is once again back. It is 2:32 a.m. the 2nd of August. A friend from India tells me it's Friendship Day tomorrow. I was a fan of all Archie-made-days during the good old times in India. I miss the exchange of cards with the most intense feelings and quotations on them. But now, these days just make me realize what I lack, instead of celebrating what I have. The Valentine's day, needless to say, arouses a feeling welled with a dearth of love and well, the Friendship day, a dearth of (true, if I may say) friendship.

So anyway, I finished watching Kismat Konnection half an hour ago. Nothing special in there, except the regular Bollywood lucky people... Do I need say more :-) ?

It's the long weekend, and guess what? I have no plans :). I am almost at the end of the book Two Lives by Vikram Seth. I wasn't much impressed by the author's writing style. I felt it probably needed a better finishing. However, the contents kept me hooked right to the very end. As I was reading the novel, I had been thinking about whether Vikram Seth was married or not. Well, the book mentioned quite a lot about him as well, but didn't pick on the topic. Don't bother too much about this comment about Seth's marriage - it just came to my mind out of nowhere!! And the next book in my queue is Adventures of Tom Sawyers. I am actually dying to start that one. And then, comes Shakespeare. I hopefully would be able to finish these two before I get actively engaged in my future project.

Talking about music, my brother is of the opinion that I have lost my taste in music. Well, I have times when music annoys me to the extent that I don't want to have anything to do with it. But generally, I am pretty much in touch with what's going on in Bollywood music lately.

That seems like quite a lot of insensible jabbering. It's 3:04 a.m. on 2nd of August. Good night world!

Wishing everyone a Happy Friendship Day. May you get *TRUE* friends in life...

Song of the moment: Bakhuda Tumhi Ho, Atif Aslam

Of promises and trials

Have promises broken your heart? Empty and un-kept promises? Promises that the maker knew she would be breaking at some point in time? Promises you believed whole heartedly on? Promises and words that meant so much to you that you actually failed to see the reality?

Have people ever told you how selfish the world is and how they hate selfish people, and have the very same people acted as the most selfish people on this earth?

Life sucks - sure it could suck more than now, but you know, human nature. It compels me to complain about the things that ought to have carried a different course than they actually did. Yes, even after reading about the Holocaust.

I realize how my writing has started to suck as well. There's no rhythm, there's no meaning any more. And poetry has been running away from me, as if there never was a relationship between us at any point in time. See how people and things run from you, run from the relationship, run from realities and brutalities? Nevertheless, it's like my fingers urge to kick the keyboard of my laptop and my mind forces me to jot down my thoughts on this piece of modern paper.

But yes, I am trying. I am trying every single way I can. And I cannot help but fool myself by running blindly behind the extremely bright streak of light left by hope, by believing that some day, one random day, I will be a happy soul with no regrets, sorrows, resentments, and dejection, offered as the gifts of life to all blessed souls...

Man and Wife

And now I pronounce thee Man and Wife.

Thus begins the endless saga of expectations, devastations, frustrations and adjustments. Thus begins the tale of a man who expects his wife to cook and clean everyday for him, and for his children some years down the road, and thus begins the tale of a woman who has to give in to her man's (reasonable or unreasonable) demands, and who has to sacrifice and get subdued, who has to be the quick-fix of the relationship, and who will be responsible for everything that goes wrong, always.

Why is the system so deeply infected by the so called male-dominance? Why does the woman have to be sober enough to give in to her demands and feelings, and always do what the man wants to get done? Why is the woman too much caring and feeling for others and why is it not a man's duty as well to understand and accept his lady's wants sometimes? And men have to act haughtily should the lady choose to dictate her will, and that too, as a suggestion!

What we like to say, on the one hand is that in today's world, both genders are treated equal. But sad as I am when I have to say it, it still remains true - that is not the case. Can you drill down to the expectations that you have for your life partner, if I may say, to see where the difference is. On the other hand, we like to say that it's impossible to survive without the other. It shouldn't be called surviving. It should be called sacrificing because that is what it really is. I hate words depicting deceit.

Thankless??

The Holocaust was so terrible - I didn't realize that until I read the personal experiences of people who underwent the pain. It was in the simplest of words, the most inhumane thing that must ever have occurred on earth, and it was truly the worst and the most disgusting of things that I have ever read. It made me sick and I felt like I should not continue reading "Two Lives" any more or at least, skip a few pages overwhelmingly filled with trauma. But regardless, facts seldom change.

And ironical that it's people like us who complain at the smallest of things that happen!

Oh, I have to wake up early to go to work, and I hate doing that!
Oh, I had to skip a meal today because of blah blah!
Oh, I have to cook food for my family everyday; I so hate doing that!
Oh, I felt hot in the office today - I wonder why they can't lower the AC temperature.

Imagine waking up every day not knowing whether it is the last day of your life or you still have to live with God-knows how much pain before a day is proclaimed as your last day. Or imagine living on a one time diet of very thin soup for a number of days, that too at the mercy of some people. Or imagine not knowing what's being done to your family and where they are, worrying about them each passing second. Imagine an endless craving for being in peaceful and happy times with your loved ones around you, cooking, eating, cleaning, laughing together. Or imagine having to sleep on the coldest of grounds with bare minimum clothing... My heart shudders to think about all this, and I really feel thankful for everything that I have.

What I've mentioned here about the conditions of the Jews is probably a very tiny speck of their endless misery during the Nazi rule in Germany. If you still feel like you have more to complain, I urge you to go find some material on the Holocaust and go through it - you'll probably find much more to be thankful about. And I think "Two Lives" is not an entirely detailed account, although it sheds light on some personal details.

And we say, ours is an adjusting life...

Two Lives is a book written by Vikram Seth, an account of a very interesting life of his uncle, whose wife is a German, and had family who were killed by Nazi atrocities.

Shifting gears

"Life is not a movie... Good guys loose.. True love doesn't win... And love does not conquer all...."

LOL! A reflection? A mirror image? A shadowed thought? An identification? And have all words been said there?

And yes, I meant to portray sarcasm in my laugh... is it the same-sun-sign effect? can't be, can it? who knows... or is it the jinx, that RA's been talking about these days? Or the rahu-ketu effect that Shrey's talked about?

but regardless, i feel pity and i wished i was worth more... and that i was able to help somehow. As a matter of fact I know little about the root cause...

Life is about choices and preferences. An optimist is a person with a blindfold on her eyes... A pessimist is a courageous man who has the guts to say the truth of life... And to quote someone who's been added to the list of nice-ppl-i-know, "Hope is certainly not the last thing that comes out of a man!"

And yet, the foolish optimist people like to go on believing on the wonders of hope...

Popcorn, Movie & Masala

I am writing today because I feel like it. I watched Jaane Tu... Ya Jaane Na today. Cute movie. And oh well, I did feel like Rondhu, when he mentioned he *too* wanted someone in his life, just like Jai had Aditi and Aditi had Jai.

And do I identify with Amit? His best friend, his sister had found other friends, and went too far away from him... I absolutely loved it when Aditi's brother advises her not to marry Sushant...

Everyone's parents were so cool - Jai's not rich at all - no vehicle, not even a cell phone, but Aditi's parents had expected him to marry Aditi, way before he or she even admitted to themselves that they loved the other. Yea, I know what you are going to say - it's a movie. Anything can happen. And to quote something I haven't forgotten, "Aisi baatein movies mein hi achchi lagti hain".

OK this is not to be taken as a review for the movie... Just a collection of my thoughts together with my emotions.

Soch zara jaane-jana tujhe hum kitna chahte hain,
Rote hain hum bhi agar teri aankho mei aansu aate hain
Gana toh aata nahi hai, magar hum phir bhi gaate hain ...

I have been reading "Magic Seeds" by V.S. Naipaul. An average kind of tale, darker than his "Half a Life", and somewhat broken. It seems like the author had no clue with what to do with Willie's life - he had wasted a majority of Willie's life! But I did learn this big word from there: phantasmagoria. The meaning - go figure!

On a side note, I wonder when Rahul would post something on this blog. And talking about Rahul, I hope these Athenian(?) guys are having a good deal of fun!!

Trying this from Firefox Add-on

Ok I got this cool Mozilla Firefox add-on called Scribefire, that actually lets me write to my blog without actually going on to the Blogger website...

And on a side note, I am loving Ubuntu, except the everyday bugs that one comes across.... like the inability to resume properly after sleep =(

And from the toolbar it seems like it is going to let me add images directly from flickr and also youtube!

ok, that's it for now... 1, 2, 3 post ....

Forgotten words.

ok, hi!
.
...
.....
...
.



Bye!


There was something I wanted to say. but like a lot of other things, let's leave this unsaid.

I am missing people

I do not want to go to work tomorrow - nothing unusual about that. I am feeling low - nothing unusual about that too. I am missing tons of people in my life, at this very same moment. I do not think I wish to name all of them.

I so wish to talk to old friends, get in touch with them, find out what waters they are sailing in... I am not doing so for the fear of being questioned... "How's life treating you?"
Well... Period.

It is the awkwardness of that period and the silence after that period that seizes my want.

It's a lonely life, they tell me. And they tell me the truth. Can I bear the weight of loneliness on my frail shoulders? Time, someday, will tell. It's a long life, they tell me, no one can travel the journey alone. I do see a satire, a pun, an irony in there! There are two things - with and without, with referring to not lonely, without referring to lonely.

Rahul, Satish and Shaks are gone as well... Shr isn't here either. Someday, I will not be here too.

us musafir se poocha tha maine
jis raah jaana na tha, uska pata diya mujhe
main bhatak gayee, kho gayee thi
meri duniya hi tabaah ho gayee thi

raste se bhi poocha tha maine
kya koi guzara tha aaj yahan se
jhoot bolna usko bhi khoob aa gaya
bola arsa hua, koi yaha se jab gaya

Valentine forever...

He wrote his name on a piece of paper that lay besides the old Linux machine in the Computer lab that he was using to jot down a rough draft of his proof for the Math question. She read it, pronounced it very slowly. She looked at him after finishing, and he had a disappointed look in his eyes at the same time as he was nodding his head as if to say "Yea!".
"Oh! I guess I got it all wrong! I am sorry. How is this pronounced?"
"No ... it's okay ... It's just that ..."
"No what is it?"

How in the world could I have guessed that the letters "ll" together could ever be pronounced like "kh" and not "ll", she thought.

Oh she actually cares, he smiled sheepishly as he thought.

What she didn't think was that he would take her gesture to be really thoughtful, and what he didn't think was that was just her nature ...

That was the first meeting of these two vividly opposite individuals - Him being not-so-quiet not-so-intelligent-but-hard-working short-statured guy and her being the smarter, taller, shyer kinds. He was from England - the part where "ll" is read as "kh", and she was from America, where "ll" written is taught as "ll". Regardless of these minute differences, the Math course provided the medium for them to interact, for her to teach him stuff that she felt so at home with, and for him to pretend that he didn't know stuff so he could spend some more time with her - her continuously talking and him, well, disappearing into his magical world, sheltered by the cocoon of her words. He was well aware of the state of ecstasy that he was in when he was with her, and the intolerable pain of the time he wasn't. He was in a fix as to whether he should tell her about those inexplicable feelings? Was she in the same boat as him? After all, she cared how she pronounced his name; she put effort teaching him the Taylor's series and the Chi Square test; she made him not miss home as much as he would have otherwise.

It is weird how a human being - one single entity - holds two different opinions about one thing at the exact same time. He was going back to Wales at the end of this semester regardless of whether he told her or not, and regardless of whether she accepted his proposal or not. He did not want to miss the one chance of asking her to be with him for their entire life.Given the assumption that she accepted him as her life partner, would he move to US or would she move to Wales with him? After much debating, when being with her and controlling his emotions was proving to be no less agonizing than the desire of possessing her, he decided to throw the ball in her court, and let her take control of it.

It was almost the end of the term, and he had about a month before he was leaving for Wales. She was heading towards the library after the class ended at 4:00 p.m. He invited her for a coffee. December approaching, there was a warm kind of chill in the wind. She was blabbering about how the Vietnamese Math TA of her section was a meretricious guy when she noticed him unexceptionally quiet and thoughtful. She calmed down, and waited patiently for him to talk.

"I am going back on 20th December."
"Hmm. All set?"
"Uh. Umm."
Her eyes did the questioning for her this time. What is it?
Gravely came the reply, "Will you be my Valentine forever?"
She went blank for the longest two seconds of her life. How? Why? Now? I mean, isn't he going away for what's called forever? Was I supposed to tell him?
His voice cut through the voice of her mind. "You do not have to answer this. It's okay.I have been thinking about you for a while now, and the feeling of being so much in love has forced me to walk upto you and ask this question. I do not even know that if you choose to say yes, what vision should I hold of our future. It's just that I felt like asking you and ..."
"May be I ought to have told you, or I thought I did tell you - I am sorry if I didn't, I am married."

Halka Halka Suroor ...

Song of the moment: Ye Jo Halka Halka Suroor Hai (Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan).

I've always found this one singer absolutely amazing. And now I find him convincing. I realized the amount of liveliness he brings to love. The love's worth the pain, he tells me.

This sensational Qawwali of 23 minutes and 4 seconds is one of his many wonders and one of my many favourites. I am sure he'd not fail you if you chose to listen to this one.

tera naam loon zuban se, tere aage sar jhukaoon,
mera ishq keh raha hai, main tujhe khuda bana doon

(I speak thy name, I bow my head in front of thee,
my love's advising me to make thee my Lord)

And what's even further fantastic is that majorly the additional ingredients he uses to prepare the "soulful" music are the Tabla and Harmonium, and ofcourse, the wonderful, wonderful raagas... I cannot just stop tapping the table or anything at hand when I listen to him.

tera naam mere lab par, mera tazkara hai dar dar
mujhe bhool jaye duniya, mai agar tujhe bhula doon

(Your name's on my lips, every door thus, has my mention
Let the world forget me, if I choose to forget you)

This Qawwali ends rather beautifully, as Nusrat ji goes on to highlight (I guess) that love doesn't really have a happy ending...

... Mei kehta reh gaya khata-e-mohabbat ki achi saza di
Meri dil ki duniya bana kar mita di

(I kept saying that you've given me a good punishment for committing the mistake of loving,
You made my heart's world and shattered it as well ...)

Sheer amazing beauty. I wish I had a chance to go to this man's live concert...

Mood of the Moment: Romantic

Ifs and buts

The easy conditions. The easier blames. Sometimes just, sometimes just the easiest ways out. Make what you want of it - It's my life...I got my problems

Each one of us learns the language of ifs and buts - and pretty fast. And I just love the if else loops in programming so much. In conjunction with the if loops walks a conditional life of ours.

"If you do not drink milk for the first 16 years of your life, chances are you might not be as healthy."
"I drank milk for 20 years of my life but uncontrolled amount of oil caused heart attacks".
Did you notice the condition in the first sentence? An incomplete if else statement that is. Most of our life's conditions are deficient... They're buggy!
And the second sentence, an effortless blame... I did what I was told to! The requirements were not clear!
*Yo techie ppl, identify with me?*

How very very easy it is to discredit someone with the use of the tiny, tiny word if. If Mr X had done a certain something, we would definitely be out of this mess. The sayer might as well be doing the same thing consciously had he been in Mr. X's shoes.
*shrugs* Regardless, I am not in Mr. X's shoes.

And how can I forget relationships when talking about conditions. True that something called "unconditional love" is more of a dying myth on our planet now. (On second thoughts, did it ever exist???) But conditions have to be just and justifiable as well. How many of us will be forced to refer and revisit their relationships - past or preset - just by the mere mention of conditions in relationships being mentioned here? I've revisited my connections, but I wasn't the one at fault!

Oh well, who cares!
If only I worried about what I wrote, I wouldn't write what I've written!

Parting and Meeting

I wish I had a way with partings. I was never good with them. It doesn't matter I leave people and places or people leave me... it's just the same. Even people who are least important matter only during the parting time. I've parted physically as well as emotionally with tons and tons of people in the past some time. Surprisingly, I am not used to them even now. There's a favourite quotation: To meet and part is the way of life, to part and meet again is the hope of life.
For some, I have no regrets but happiness, for others I have no regrets but sadness prevails, and yet there are those others that dooms me to the highest level of regrets and sadness.

Anyway, with experiments comes learning, and with learning comes experience - if that makes any sense at all. With time comes the need to write all that you know, all that is there to say.

But somehow, there are times that do not allow you to say whatever you want to. There are things, that for your best, should be left unsaid. What and when is up to you to decide. I hereby decide to not to say something at this point of time. I choose, however, to say that I miss a lot of people. I miss the lovely warm moments that I have spent with a lot of people. I miss...

Can I choose to say that my voice trailed off at this point of time?

Trip to Central Island

This was the place we were at over the last weekend. Centreville Island. There's a ferry that takes you down to the island from Toronto. It was thankfully a bright warm and sunny day. There's an amusement park on the island, tons of picnic spots. And yea, beaches on the meeting place of land and water.



A view of the Toronto City from amid the lovely island. The CN tower really stands out from everything else that constitutes Toronto.


Now, now, can you get a better picture than this? This was from the ferry on the way back to Toronto.



A view of the amazing beach on the island. The water was comfortably cold and the sand comfortingly warm. It was perfect.