Un-expectations

I have been talking a lot about expectations, and about people failing to meet them. And today, I have been disappointed by not one but two people. Two people, who meant a lot did unexpected things - one spoke something I wasn't expecting to hear i.e. "Stop pretending", and the other has not spoken anything.

This first gentleman, "middle man" as someone named him, was what I thought of as an exceptional friend. He's what almost a six year old friend... Probably he was trying to show me a side of me that didn't exist or that he thought I was aware of, but hiding from him... Probably he thought that my best interest was to know that I should stop pretending and that he had come to know I was pretending... Probably it's the distance that does quite a lot of things to you... I wish he knew what pretense was. Pretense is hanging up on the phone, and blaming it on the network, pretense is knowing someone called you, and never calling back, pretense is gaining sympathy of people when you are at fault. Pretense is smiling every day and chirping the whole day so mum-dad are happy; pretense is running away from everything with the hope to really run away from everything. My life, what remains of it is what I trying to improvise. I do not need comments that make me sit on my thinking chair, and re-picture the worst phases of my life. I admittedly do that without the presence of those comments, and that is something I see myself refraining from doing in the near future. I do not need friends who do not believe me, and of course think I am pretending and also expect me always to take that first step. I am extremely hurt and extremely disappointed.

This other gentleman, oh well, I don't want to say anything about him. He's disappointed me far too much to say anything about him. I am waiting and watching... still. It feels dumb and ridiculous doing so. But I guess his speaking up or not doesn't affect me to the extent that the "middle man's" comment does. I do not need friends who tell me that they are closest to me but when it comes to their-facts-of-life, I get to hear that from other people ... But as I said, I am not hurt - just disappointed.

I've lost faith over love, I wonder how much more will it take to lose faith over friendship someday. I earnestly hope that never happens ...