The Change

It was for quite a while that everything in life was right or wrong for me. There was no third category where I categorized events - I tried to do things that were right and felt guilty for doing things that were in the wrong category. Most things in life are relative - so are right and wrongs. Things have changed now. The guilt has decreased for doing the wrong things now. As you grow up, the guilt takes a corner in the heart, or rather, we push the guilt to occupy one of the darkest corners of the heart. And once you are able to do this is when you lose your innocence and step into the world of adults.

Things are more "me oriented" now. I do things I "want" to do. Hiding is not lying. lol that is what I say to console myself... I do not know if that is a good thing or bad, but that is how it is now. Life is an ever continuing learning process, and I'm doing my part of the learning. And my part of the living as well. Oh well, the only thing that doesn't have place in my life is regrets, after cigarettes!!!

For the time being, people, listen to Delhi-6 (Masakali and Dil gira kahin par dafatan)... Masakali is amazingly mast and dil gira is an awe-filled song. Must listen I say...


P.S: @Satish, I haven't forgotten the post... I know it's taking a bit longer, but yea, trust me, I am going to get it done soon :)

The sun rose today!

I got a chance to see the sunrise today after countably many days!! I saw the dusk turn into dawn and the dawn give way to morning. On the west side of the sky was the moon waxed to its three-fourths and on the east side of the sky the sun was cheerfully spreading its lovely red wings and gracefully coming up past the horizon. An amazing site to see... the very warm sunshine wanted a part of me to believe that it was pleasantly warm outside, but good thing our weathermen have more impact on us to make us believe that despite the tricky warm sunshine, the temperature outside is -34 degrees. Yes, and it was very cold outside! After a meager sleep of 1 hour in the previous night, I couldn't enjoy the morning freshness for a long time :).
And I am very tired at the moment, however, not sleepy :) The insomnia is back!!! :)

Just Another Day!

I sit sharing my hot cup of large coffee with my loneliness at the Timmie's close to my home. Staring out of the Timmie's glass window has become my favourite, and in fact, the only past time these days. Everything's white outside, with the hillocks of snow been reducing in height everyday since the past three days - it hasn't snowed again since then in my part of the world. There's a transit bus shelter right outside the coffee shop which has been abandoned for more than a month now. One side of the shelter has a huge poster reading "Be part of the Solution - Take Transit". It couldn't get more ironic than this, specially at this given time when the public transit of my world has been on strike for more than a month and has crippled a lot of people and businesses alike.

A few cars are on the road - the area's quite and it's 9:40 p.m. on a Sunday evening. A very small bunch of people are out there too - it is minus 13 degrees with the wind blowing at 10 kmph afterall - either they must be bored or need urgent groceries and the transit's not an option. The Timmie's staff is busy doing their chores even if there are no customers in here except for me.

I like this time of the day because I am purely dedicated to my loneliness. We smile, we think, we talk. My companion loneliness hasn't left me ever. It's been there when I have been alone and when I have needed a friend. There have been times when it has been there with me even when I have been amidst people. I've grown so used to its presence and thank it for literally, always being there with me!

But anyway, I am done with the last sip of my coffee and realize it is high time I get to home and have my dinner. Good bye world! It is 10:00 p.m.


P.S. The photograph is not related to the place I was at! It's a picture clicked on the snowy afternoon of 7th Jan 2009 outside my house.

The Cleanup

And now it was the turn of her study room after her room's closet. She was cleaning up her study to determine which items she wanted to discard before moving out. She picked up one paper at a time from pile one and skimmed through its contents and then put them in the second or third pile depending on whether she wanted to keep it or discard it. She held the next paper in the pile, unfolded it and began reading "hmmm so the reply...". Immediately she froze adjusting her eyes to stare into the empty corner of the study. The paper had curved corners and the ink along the folds of the paper had almost washed off with time as well as multiple acts of folding and unfolding the paper. 2 long years and she still decided on continuing to read the reply. It was a two-page long reply that was never sent to the person it was written for. She had no trouble reading the washed off parts of the paper. With tears in her eyes as she read the last line of the letter, "Thanks for being there whenever you were", among other things she tried to think if things would have been any different had she sent the email. May be the agony of being in nowhere would have reduced for her for a couple of months and may be the recipient's agony of knowing the truth so bluntly would have increased for the same amount of time. She was amazed at how untrained and reminiscent her heart had been even now, after it had got a lot more love in the past two years and had loved too. Anyway, there was no point thinking about the right and the wrongs now, when life for her had taken a very peaceful and calm road. She folded the paper back again like it had not been touched in the near past and put it on top of the third pile and continued her chore of picking up the next paper from pile one and skimming through it. A short pause from reading and her glare returned to the empty corner of her present study room once again. While her right hand held the paper she was reading her left hand sneaked to the top of the third pile and slyly shifted the top of stack to the second pile. A deep sigh and the eyes got back to reading the paper in the right hand...

No wonder numerous move outs and move ins and ups and downs have not snatched the heart's ability to reminisce...

Random blah

Everything moves on, they say, with time. And what doesn't move on dies.
And I haven't entirely died. However, certain things do not die, and do not move on either. It's the nature of memories I believe. They do their task - come. I do mine - relive them and die with them.

There's not much I want to say.
Should I? Should I not?
Is it right? Is it not?
Is it needed? Is it not?
Is it expected? Is it not?
Is it wished for? Is it not?
Is it understood? Is it not?
Should I? Should I not?

Songs of these moments:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeypOvsY91Q
http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=7E1xbX-QSGY

Dastak

aaj toh dil ka darwaza khol de
ek arse ke baad aaj andar aane de

yaad, tumhari hi dastak ka intezaar tha
tum aaogi, poora poora aitbaar tha

aaj tujhse teri haalat ka hisaab lena hai
ek arse ke baad aaj jawaab dena hai

yaad, mera ek sandesa le ke jana hai
khush rehna, bus itna hi kehna hai

... and counting!

nth number of days since a particular event happened... umpteen number of days for a particular something to happen ... and today is the day when a certain something happened or when I am supposed to do a certain something...

I don't think the counting and tracking ever stops! And I am tired of it! Why am I unable to live 7th January 2009 as 7th January 2009 instead of as 7th January? Why am I unable to realize that 7th January 2009 doesn't exist in history, and that nothing of the past needs to celebrate its anniversary today... Is it the same with everyone :) ?

One day at a time is how anyone should live. There's no future that we are sure about. There's no past that we can hold on to and live. Intangible is the word, my friend!

Someone asked me today, HOW can you bear to hangout with Mr. X!!! And I was reminded of a very old and extremely favorite quotation of mine: Life is too short to love, I wonder how people find time to hate... This, somehow, doesn't go with the flow of what I was saying. However, I put this down to be reminded about this one-time-favorite quote of mine and to incorporate it into my life once more - to not to spend time hating, to live my one day at a time loving :).

I love you people. You all are very special in my life in the date of 7th January 2009. Do not leave me. Do not leave me counting... x days since u been gone, y days since we talked, z days since it's your birthday again and I do not know what to do... Thanks for being a wonderful part of my life, and for being there for me.

Hum hain raahi pyaar ke, phir milenge chalte chalte!!!